Special interest destroyed!

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Dragoness
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09 Feb 2013, 11:58 am

WorriedWife wrote:

Ok guys and girls - I am the destructive, abusive wife you are all refering to.

First of all let me say that I TOTALLY agree with you all in saying what I did was disgusting and hurtful. I too though am a human being and although wired very differently to Aspies can also only handle so much.

Our relationship had been in turmoil for many years almost the entire time we have been together. I suffered sexual abuse as a child/teenager as well as physical and sexual in my first marriage. This is by no means an excuse for anything. It happened and I have been to many psycs who have labeled me with many things pretty much every mental health disorder there is. Thus I have been on loads of medications and no one could figure out why none of it actually helped. Final Dx was PTSD which was a result of the constant abuse.

There were times of the month that I would loose my temper over the slightes thing and in finding an amazing south african doctor a little over a year now found that I had a MAJOR hormonal imbalance PMDD - which at the wrong time of the month caused me to behave in no other way to describe it as ROID RAGE.

So with that and my husbands undiagnosed Aspergers our life has been full of turmoil. My husband has cheated on me a few times during this time because as he puts it I was treating him like crap. During the years he has also taken off many times and emptied the family bank account leaving the kids and I with no money or car in some instances.

Recently he worked away for 5 months and in that time I was left to take care of both our children and be financially responsable for the kids and I. I managed ok as it was tough as I am only casual and because of child care could only work school hours. My husband had no bills to pay in that time as his accommodation and food was all supplied as a part of the job.

I rensented him for not helping support his family but it was something he needed to do in order to prove to himself he could look after himself. In the time he was away I became a lot stronger as ihad to deal with everything myself. not sure if that was a good or bad thing.

Since returning home in November He has progressivly got worse. We are still on my casual wage and it is very tough but just managing. He still has no access to my bank account because 2 weeks ago I trusted him to do the right thing and transfered ALL the money we had into the joint account. He then proceeded to spend it then took off fishing ( i did tell him to leave the house until he had calmed down) He drove 6 hours to go fishing - depleted the bank account and sold his guitar. ( rational behaviour?)

Most times he takes off he sells someting - recently it was MY amp for my drum kit. While he was claiming to try and leave the house last night to go cool off he forgot to mention that he was also packing up all his things........ the KIDS computer included.
If he wants to take his things and sell them then fin but I dont understand why he would take from his kids. It really hurt and upset me.

The past month has been the most difficult to come to terms with - The man I thought I married tells me he was just pretending all these years to be NT - So in a way I feel lied to. I feel like I have lost something I thought I had. It is very hard to exlain - sort of like grieving. He has pointed out to me many times in the past few weeks that he has been dealing with NT all his life - but you know what I have not and have no idea how to deal with Aspies.

I have gone to the library borroewwed every book i can - joined numerous support groups - trolled the internet for info.

No I dont fully understand how his mind works but I am willing to try but it is not going to happen instantly. And when I am met with so much anger recently it makes it very difficult.

When I get messages like this - play it your way jodie. u think the last few weeks hav been difficult? well i am gunna start acting up now.
and just remember one thing... im emotionally very strong (on the account of not really having any) so i have on hell of an advantage already

What I did was totally inexcusable and in no way am i trying to justify it. As for replacing them I have no problem with that at all BUT logically there is no way we can afford it JUST yet......... Me I have put it in this order - rent, car payment, food, electric bill as it is already over due and we will have no electricty. I understand the importance of the planes but also need to point out he can not fly them as yet as we can not afford the membership to the club where he is allowed to fly them.

So to me LOGICALLY it comes down to money in verses money to cover cost of living. On only MY wage it already makes things very tight.

So if he must leave me because I am abusive then so be it. I love him with all my heart and he has told me an AS/NT relationship can be amazing and I have sked for him to show me but It is still very unclear toy me.

I am trying all I know how to do but I also need to remember I am only human and cannot do everything.

It seems like there are problems on both sides, and I don't really know what to say. A marriage counselor might help - if you can afford it. But whatever happens, I hope you two can work it out peacefully.

Dreycrux
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09 Feb 2013, 12:39 pm

As a person who flys radio controlled aircraft I am very upset by your post.

Flying RC is an expensive hobby.

How much money did you loose to damages? Is she going to pay you back?

morslilleole
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09 Feb 2013, 2:52 pm

You have my sympathy as well. Don't really know what I would do if something like that were to happen to me.

I also agree with the other people here in that you deserve someone who understands you better.

Moondust
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09 Feb 2013, 4:26 pm

I know from my own experience that when 2 people frustrate each other out of their minds constantly and continue living together, they end up destroying each other with acts they never thought they'd be capable of doing. I got up and left after 1 year of marriage, hard as it was, and I thank God for it every day, because who knows where it would've ended. I'd say don't live together if you make each other crazy. If you love very much, lead your lives independently from each other and date each other. At the same time, seek professional help to learn a healthier kind of love that is not professed precisely to a person that brings out the worst in you.

I sometimes see my ex husband around the neighborhood. He seems fine and hasn't killed his second wife. That means she doesn't bring out the worst in him as I did. It was good for him that I left him.

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bumble
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09 Feb 2013, 5:12 pm

thingsthatfly wrote:

Quote:

Can't you salvage any of it to some extend. How much would it cost to fix some any or all of it.

Without getting into too much technicality - sadly no - there is major structural damage. It would cost more to repair than to replace - as is often the case with items that are pre factory built. The electrical components are salvageable as are the motors and servos. Even if I could make some repairs, with damage this extensive, they are precision crafted machines and even a weigh difference of a gram across the wings could spell aerodynamic disaster... there is twisting, leading edge damage, the mounts for the wing onto the airframe are completely demolished.... so replacement would be about $400 (I dont cry - but i came close to it as i was cutting back covering to survey the extent of the damage...) - so I'm not saying it has to be done all at once but I felt sacrifices needed to be made to rectify it. (Also to clarify a few more issues - electricity bill isn't even due yet so we are months from being 'cut off').... Jeez - is nothing sacred any more.

Whilst I don't condone what she did, in all fairness it seems as though there are problems on both sides.

I appreciate and understand the importance of a special interest but the electricity bill, food and rent should really be paid first and foremost, unless you want to put your planes together in the dark or by candle light.

Not that I have never bought equipment for my hobbies out of my bill money, I have, but I usually make sure they will accept a delayed payment first (usually...it depends if it has been a while since i bought anything hobby related). Either way it's not always a good idea to get too far behind with the bills as it can cause much unnecessary anxiety. You both need to sit down and sort out how to replace the planes in a way that if financially possible without going without basic amenities.

One of you says the bill is overdue, the other than it's not due yet...obviously someone needs to check to make sure exactly when the payment needs to be made. If you have children you don't want them to go without food, light and warmth.

I can understand how you feel about having your planes destroyed as I would feel similarly if someone did the same to my cross stitching kits or study supplies (I'd be heart broken, upset and very angry about it). However, being a woman, I can also understand severe PMS, growing up in an abusive environment (although sexual abuse was not involved) and the difficulty of trying to keep everything afloat financially when you have children to raise.

It sounds to me as though you have had an argument that has gotten out of control on both sides.

I hope you get it resolved in an amicable way.

Chloe33
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09 Feb 2013, 5:36 pm

That's horrible of her to destroy your special interests. She had no right to do that and i likely would have physically tried to stop her from doing so. Then again, god forbid you touch her she might try and claim abuse on you.

That's one of the worst things someone could do is take anothers special interests and destroy them. It is so disrespectful it's like they are wanting to destroying the person as well.

Sometimes if someone has to "physically" get it out, can you all pick an random (NOT special interest) object like a washer or drier machine to beat up. Those are sturdy we use those. Last time my wife got so made she went at it at the dryer machine. I was proud of her.
It doesn't damage the dryer and saves me or things that are special.

Verdandi
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09 Feb 2013, 5:54 pm

answeraspergers wrote:

Verdandi wrote:

And what you said is not necessarily unpopular, but that's because in modern culture it's acceptable to trash women because misogyny is not particularly seen as bad, from men or women, regardless of neurology.

Nonsense. If this fellow gets divorced see what happens to the kids and assets.

This has literally nothing to do with what I posted, and MRA nonsense is MRA nonsense. In situations where the wife has more assets and income than the husband, the husband receives spousal support/alimony. However, it seems that it is more likely for men to make more money than their wives.

Cultural misogyny is a big reason why women tend to make less money than men while working at the same jobs. Cultural misogyny also includes the assumption that women should take care of the children (which also tends to heavily impact income), and thus women are more frequently awarded primary custody of the children.

Quote:

Thats not really confirmation bias. Most people with grey hair are usually over 40. Confirmation bias occurs when you use bias to confirm something that is not true just because you believe it.

I wasn't talking about gray hair. I was talking about concluding that all NT women are horrible because of one person's bad experiences. That's the confirmation bias. Trying to compare it to "most people with gray hair are over 40" was just a really bad attempt to validate that confirmation bias.

I can see what would cause that confusion as I quoted the bit about gray hair, but that was not my intention.

GnothiSeauton
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09 Feb 2013, 6:17 pm

For f**ks sake, your kids come first. If you want to perpetuate this sickening cycle of mutual abuse then go ahead and disregard all reason for the sake of your own selfish passions. Whatever happened to people talking to each other in order to resolve their differences? Aspies are stubborn as*holes when it comes to their "special" interests. NT's are stubborn as*holes when it comes to their "general" interests. Absolving yourself of your responsibility to that which you create is a coward's way out. If you create life, you better stop being a child with regards to it. Material things don't have feelings, so stop fussing about your material loss and start thinking about the emotional gap that has developed in your relationship. Don't people talk to each other any more? This whole f**cking society became a narcissisting s**thole. I've done worse to the people I loved and was able to learn from that. What I learned was the fact that life is too fleeting to absolve yourself of all responsibility for it. I'm sorry if I come across as insensitive ( :lol: ), but it's the truth. Stop whining and work on yourselves. Is everyone a total sissy these days? Our kind used to be the world defining breed of warriors (wizards) for justice. True psychopaths made us into a bunch of whining children. Show some will and courage.

Nonperson
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09 Feb 2013, 6:59 pm

Verdandi wrote:

Ok, I really wanted to drop this but I've got to respond.

You assume it is confirmation bias, but you have no basis for that except your own bias. You can't point to the wonderful NT women I have encountered and ignored any more than I can; you just imagine they must be there.
Misogyny? Please. I spoke of NT women as an autistic woman; from my perspective they are extremely privileged. I have been abused by NTs all my life (like most of us) and an abuse victim gets wary. NT men are often abusive and NT women are nearly always so. Why? I imagine it is socialization: NT women's "subculture" values social skills above all and views those who lack them as morally deficient and therefore abuse of such people as justified. Women in general (myself included) are also less likely to recognize abusiveness in our own behavior because of stereotypes about abuse. I'm not saying NT women are worse in all things, but when it comes to harshness toward those on the spectrum from what I have seen NT women are the worst offenders. I'm sick of seeing aspies get mistreated by them, often on the assumption that they are the only women out there, or that they will be nurturing and take care of the aspie. For that matter, that is a sexist attitude: the idea that NT women are the only/the only real women. I'm tired of hearing things like "an aspie community would need NT women for demographics". I'm tired of hearing about the "extreme male brain". I'm a woman. NTs are very much shaped by their social roles, and therefore NT women are quite different from NT men, something that isn't quite so true of aspies. Yes, I generalize. I'm going to dispense with the disclaimers. The fact that I don't cite references should make it clear I'm expressing a personal opinion.

But this is all beside the point. I think we can all agree that the OP's wife's behavior was abusive. I think we can probably all also see that this abusiveness would probably not be fully recognized by NT society, where the issue of the "incorrectness" of a grown man placing that much importance on a hobby would overshadow everything. Heck, it doesn't even matter what the special interest is: mainstream culture will see it as illegitimate. I don't doubt she felt she was justified, and her friends probably thought so too. It makes me sick.

InThisTogether
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09 Feb 2013, 7:02 pm

Nonperson wrote:

I always said NT women were generally horrible people. :evil:

Hey...

Were you guys fighting? Why were you trying to escape?

Unless others know more about you and your relationship to your wife than I do, I think it is premature to say you need to boot her. Even NTs can be pushed to rage and can be pushed to do something that they regret. I have a friend who slashed his wife's running shoes to shreds. I know someone else who broke every plate in the house. All I am saying is that there may be more to the story than meets the eye.

At any rate, and regardless of any back story, I am very sorry this happened. It must have been devastating to you

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thingsthatfly
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09 Feb 2013, 7:56 pm

Quote:

Since returning home in November He has progressivly got worse. We are still on my casual wage and it is very tough but just managing. He still has no access to my bank account because 2 weeks ago I trusted him to do the right thing and transfered ALL the money we had into the joint account. He then proceeded to spend it then took off fishing ( i did tell him to leave the house until he had calmed down) He drove 6 hours to go fishing - depleted the bank account and sold his guitar. ( rational behaviour?)

Okay - lets deal in some fact here.

FACT: Since returning home in November I was employed at the same place as my wife. Following the Christmas break my employment was discontinued at her request (she is senior staff) as she did not think it was a good idea that we worked at the same place.
FACT: Two weeks ago a sum of approximately $250 was transferred into a joint account that I could access. This money was used for grocery items for the family, for me to get my hair cut, I purchased one shirt I liked for $5, credit for my mobile phone, fuel for the car. There was approximately $80 left of which I used to sustain myself following being thrown out during a meltdown, those costs being for food and extra fuel during that period (I left the house to get away from it and slept overnight in the car - driving helps calm me.)
FACT: Things at home are very turbulent and after getting 'kicked out' again with no money, I sold my guitar in order to give me some access to cash. I drove. I landed up six hours away. I drove home.
FACT: Regardless of any attempts made to rationally talk about what has happened, my wife has failed in making a commitment to a specific time frame to replace my aeroplanes. She uses the fact that we cannot afford it as her justification for this.
FACT: I do not have any idea of our financial position. All our family social security payments and my wife's wages are paid into her personal account to which I have no access (she actually earns a fair bit - or should be based on the amount of hours she says she puts in at work.)
FACT: When I asked to see the statements for the account so that I could satisfy myself that we are doing it as tough as what she says, she refused. She has failed to supply a logical reason for this refusal.

I GUESS: She wont let me see the account because she is hiding money from me? I dunno.... this is driving me nuts - all I want is a fairly normal (as much as an NT/Aspie can be) relationship... is that too much to ask for? Am I really being abused here? I don't want to jump the gun - finding a relationship is hard enough without throwing one away prematurely ...

Nonperson
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09 Feb 2013, 8:09 pm

She had you fired? Doesn't let you see the bank account? Yeah, that sounds abusive to me!

InThisTogether wrote:

Hey...

ADD isn't NT!

InThisTogether
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09 Feb 2013, 8:11 pm

thingsthatfly wrote:

Am I really being abused here?

To me it sounds as though both of you hold your fair share of "blame" in this set of circumstances. Whether you are able to hold it together or not is going to hinge largely on both of your abilities to stop focusing on how the other is to blame and to start focusing on your own role in the problems and working to fix your contributions to the mess. As long as both of you are focusing primarily on how you have been wronged by the other, I can pretty much promise you that it is only going to get worse from here on out. BTDT. 20 year marriage kaput.

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InThisTogether
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09 Feb 2013, 8:12 pm

Nonperson wrote:

She had you fired? Doesn't let you see the bank account? Yeah, that sounds abusive to me!

InThisTogether wrote:

Hey...

ADD isn't NT!

Well...yeah...there's THAT!

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Matt62
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09 Feb 2013, 8:39 pm

And so the old cycle continues. Abused become abusers. Sadly, its the common experience.
From everything said, yes, the gentleman is being abused. If that account is correct, he is also being controlled/isolated. This situation needs to change *YESTERDAY*. He needs to get out, her past cannot justify her behavior. And as for children? its better to be from a broken home, than to live in one. ( Personal experience!) Let us not create the next generation of abusers.
Until this women accepts her behavior for what it is, it would be far better if they lived apart.

Sincerely,
Matthew
PS. We also need to drop the tangential argument that has developed here, it certainly has nothing to do with the main issue here.

thingsthatfly
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09 Feb 2013, 8:49 pm

Quote:

PS. We also need to drop the tangential argument that has developed here, it certainly has nothing to do with the main issue here.

Yes its presence does have me a little confused, although it is rather interesting..

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Special interest destroyed!