Have you ever wondered if Aspergers is just an excuse?

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God I hope not

I'd be afraid to start, cuz I'd not want people to start thinking that I don't have a valid reason for not being able to do something because it would stress me out.

Sometimes I get the feeling that certain people think I'm using it as an excuse. This happened at work. Then the manager started acting like an as*hole which persuaded me to do the task. I can't handle people being pissed at me.

There are SO many times that I will take something on the chin because I want to keep my Asperger's secret from people. Because I know if I tell people that they can blame some of my faults on Asperger's, I know they'll think I'm using it as an excuse. So I just let them think I'm a ret*d or an a-hole or something.

Even with my own family. I try so hard to not use Asperger's as my excuse. Even when I so dearly know that Asperger's is the reason why i'm so dysfunctional. When I do something caused by Asperger's, I will tell my ex-wife, who I still talk with and see on a semi-regular basis. The other day I point out something and she tells me "I'm sick of hearing about Asperger's."

Legitimate or not, people just do not want to hear excuses. And I can't blame them. I don't like excuses myself. So I try to not even give them. Even when my excuse is legitimate.

The other downside of Asperger's is that when you're trying to educate people why something that happened can be balmed on Asperger's, it helps when the person you're talking to is knowledgable about the syndrome. If they're not then I don't even talk about AS. I just take it on the chin...

I do seem to be changing. I have always been keeping my diagnosis secret, but now I've been a bit more outgoing about it.

They wish to place me on a phone at work and talk with customers. This will be the first time I ever speak out but specifically, I'm going to discuss my inability to communicate well (while providing no reference to 'aspergers'). My evidence is the fact that when I come into the office, I sit down without a single word. As well, I say absolutely nothing throughout the day so I've lots to back it up. I've stressed that I need things visually versus someone just barking words out to me.

To be honest, today, I've limited my communication to less then probably 10 sentences. Its 3:10 pm and my office is totally open. People walk by but I dont look at them. Everyone around me talks (well, except the programming department, looking over there, I relate to a lot of them).

Maybe some Aspies do use it as an excuse to not even try to get a job.

The excuse depends on the situation. Asperger's Syndrome is no excuse for misbehavior at a formal dinner, but it might be at a party. It depends not only on our courtesy and self-awareness, but also on our tolerance. Would you like it if someone reprimanded you for every little mistake you made, telling you that your particular imperfections are no excuse for your behavior? I didn't think so.

Here on WrongPlanet, a safe internet community, I feel that we should be very understanding of each other. We should not insult or dismiss the feelings of those of us who write angry posts, but should try to be as sympathetic as possible. After all, Asperger's Syndrome can make life very difficult and sometimes almost unfair.

Hello,

I have a 7 year old son who has been diagnosed with PDDNOS. His doctor ( psychiatrist ) believes he may have Aspergers although not very bad; if that term is correct? What I am trying to find out from those of you who can help me is would Aspergers cause my son to act badly for no apperant reason or to become very angry over something that seems so trivial? His mother and I are wondering if his actions are uncontrollable or not? We have never sat down and talked with him about his diagnoses, as we didn't want him to use it as an excuse. He is taking Risperdol and the very smallest dose of Ritallin for school. Sometimes he acts as if he were a 2 year old again with his actions and his talking. He can be so loving and effectionate one day and the next he seems to be so off base. Sometimes this happens within an hour or so before school. He is very talented in music and does well in school when he wants to. He does have some problems keeping his hands to himself at times though on the playground. Sometimes at school he will roll around on the ground, stand on his head and do other things that are not acceptable. He has an IEP and the school is doing a fine job. The meds have decreased these problems to a great degree. I guess my main question here is as a parent, how can I determine what he can and can't control and how to correct him? We are never sure what to hold him accountable for? He does have some tics that may be related to Tourette's Syndrome; however, the doc is not sure it's a full blown case. Thanks in advance for any and all replies,

Some person on a message board said "Quit using the fact that you have Asperger's as an excuse." or something like that. That really offended me. I called her something I shouldn't have in revenge and in return someone created a whole site about me saying I had "Ass buggers" Syndrome and it's "symptoms which were things I said on the message board.

Thats all Ive heard my entire life! That phrase instantly puts me in a rage. Adults get "disgusted" with me because I cant communicate well and all I want to do is yell " I have AS you b****" The problem with people is that they cant see past their own noses. They assume your stupid and can see your easily brought down and do so to make themselves feel more powerful. Its hard to deal with society sometimes.

It is not an excuse. It is an answer. An answer to a 34 year old question: why am I different? Why don't other people see what I see? Where are others like me? Why am I different? Why?

I would never use AS as an excuse for a failure. That's really what we are talking about, yes?

My son also has AS. He gets very upset over trivial things and hyper etc. I also teach autistic children for a living. My advice to you is this. he is very smart and he knows what is expected of him. The worst thing parents do (as they so often do) is spoil there child because they have the same question as you. Do not do this. The one thing I do let my son get away with is crying or being upset over something I dont think he should. Why? Because you dont want to invalidate his feelings. then you can softly explain to him or show him why its "not that bad". However, as for discipline. Every child needs it or he will get much worse. Again, he KNOWS what is expected of him, and he is very capable of learning it if he doesnt already know. Be understanding, but be firm. At school we do "hands in pockets" or "hands to self". We use timers as well so they can see how much time they need to be calm/quiet for. We use other phrases such as "quiet voice please" and thats "not ok." Hopefully this will help.

Also-music 101, is he violent? Acting "badly" consists of what exactly? Saying inappropriate things or hurting others? It depends on the severity of AS if its not severe as you suspect then no...AS kids usually dont exhibit violence unless they are physically or verbally thrashed and feel they have no other alternative. AS kids have hearts of gold. They dont "mean" to hurt others.

Whether it's an excuse depends on how it's used. If someone says "I do that because I have Asperger's and you're just being mean for being offended that I said something upsetting to you!" then yes, it's just an excuse.
If you say "I'm sorry I don't talk a lot, my social skills are lacking, please don't take it as dislike." or "I'm sorry if I bother you, I'm not good at picking up on social cues, so I have a tendency to talk at the wrong times, please tell me specifically if I butt in when I shouldn't." then no, it's not an excuse; it's an explanation. An excuse is when somebody doesn't care who they hurt. An explanation helps the person hearing it, too.

I usually use my AS traits as a request for feedback. Most NTs will try to be "nice" by not saying anything when they're offended by something. Other NTs can usually pick up on that and adjust their behavior accordingly even though nothing has actually been said. Since I'm almost never able to do that, I request that people don't try to be subtle like that with me. I need them to tell me.

But this is the first time Ive ever vented about it! lol! I try not to talk about it much because I hear the same thing over and over..."your more than capable, your just lazy!' "why does everything have to be YOUR way!?" "you dont care about anyone else but yourself" "ya, aspergers, everyone on the planet must have Aspergers then!" "Why dont you think!?" blah blah blah, it just gets to the point where it would actually be easier if I were in a wheelchair. That way people could SEE it. I always have to defend myself anyway and try to "convince" others that i have it....I get so frustrated because they want answers...like I have any! All I know is that since I can remember, Ive been different. Ive always felt that I didnt belong here. This is everyone ELSE'S world and I was just put here by accident. I didnt understand why I was being yelled at by adults or when I was being teased..as an adult now, I still feel that Im that little girl around other adults. I turned into a social butterfly for a while, i loved people! I loved other peoples point of view, then I began working, at a job. Im 32 and havent been able to hold a job longer than 6 months. Someone always ends up not liking me personally or I make a mistake because i didnt understand something and their tired of my "reasons"aka excuses.I dont understand why I dont show love to my children the way other moms do. I love them, but Im more pre-occupied with have I have to do for them than showing them physical affection.Why cant I sustain a relationship with the opposite sex? They always find something wrong with me. My father manages my money etc...Im just me and although I get depressed because statistics are Ill never be able to sustain a relationship with a guy...Im ok. Just have to keep going...

My family unfortunatly...which is sadly ironic because I'm convinced that they're more aspie than me. Had my parents been more NT I think they would've been more obvious and open to the fact that I'm clearly not normal and that my social limitations and such CAN NOT be fixed with some parental discipline.

This is the downside of having parents who are just like you...They become too convinced that they know you better than you know yourself.