I don't understand. An explanation please.

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Could it be that they themselves don't know that you do in fact know
I got dragged over the coals for this, because if I told somebody how to do something, it would usually be an older person asking me for help and I will help them. Now I take that same approach and use it on somebody younger, then they would say: do you think I am stupid?

I was merely trying to help, like I help everybody else. I have a tendency to not help younger people, but I also find myself guilty of thinking that other people think I'm stupid. So I guess as a coping mechanism, I usually let them finish their talk and then I would say... well this is how I do it. Which will hopefully indicate that I do know something about it and that I do not make them feel like an idiot for talking about when I already knew. I also try to fish for what they already know, but that backfires when people think you have ulterior motive or doing the invasion of privacy thing.

Sounds like Theory-of-Mind to me.

To me, there seems to be a split between people and half operate on an ultra conformist, tribal mode all/most of the time and the other half are free-thinking individuals who do not take their cues from the group. I have come across more of the second type among neuro-diverse people ie people who have things like an ASD, dyslexia, Tourettes, bipolar.

The first type are more likely to be nasty as they are the majority 'type' and thus feel more dominant.

When I was at school I did join in with some of this tribal, nasty behaviour towards a teacher so it shows that environment and whether you are having to mix with a group does have a big impact on this type of behaviour.

There is also a type of nasty behaviour the second group people do more and that is getting revenge on the former groups' nasty behaviour eg school shootings but generally the displays of nastiness are rarer as people in the second group are often on their own/not in a group and hence far more vulnerable to a reprisal attack hence they keep more to themselves.

Group behaviour fosters nastiness against out-groups as there's safety in numbers plus it's a show of dominance.

That's exactly why I said SOME PEOPLE.

Doesn’t everyone have a mean streak? I’m no angel, I sure do. Even more so as a child and teen, but not devoid of it in adult age either.
Of course no one is nasty all the time.
There can be lots of reasons why I’d be mean or nasty to someone, or be perceived as nasty.

Sometimes it’s unintentional.

Sometimes, as Chloe33 pointed out, debates can turn heated and I can say things in affect that I don’t really mean, or at least would have worded more neutrally if I hadn’t been in an emotional state. Same goes for quarrels.

I love teasing people and can take jokes far, which means sometimes people more sensitive than me can get upset. I’d be lying if I said that people who can’t take a joke don’t annoy me.

Sometimes my honest opinion comes across as abrasive and harsh.

Other times it’s intentional. And that’s what this thread is really about.

I could be mean to someone I liked. In elementary school, in 4th and 5th grade, there were two girls I liked and wanted to befriend, but I had no idea how to go about it, so in one case I’d knock stuff off the girl’s desk, in the other case I’d intentionally bump into the girl during recess and kick pebbles after her. The latter one would always smile at me, which made me happy but I didn’t know how to respond after that, so I ran away shyly. I might have been infatuated with her. (I’m bi). It got me attention from them, and I didn’t know how else to play it.

If I’m in a bad mood, I can snap at people, (family, acquaintances and stranger alike). It’s usually not in order to provoke a fight when I’m simply in a bad mood over something. But when PMS rages in me and makes me all nuclear, I do hope to provoke a fight (not of the physical kind).
If I’m in a slightly less bad mood (but still on the bad mood spectrum) I can be more selective about who I snap at, and go for those I don’t like, or like less. The snapping can be either deliberately giving a nasty reply or making a sh***y comment to them (without them having approached me first).

If I am provoked, I have no problem being confrontational.
One example from my midteens: I was going down the stairs to the tube station when I tripped over a cord. An old woman saw it and said “Why don’t you watch out?” She sounded annoyed, which made me annoyed (and I was already annoyed at having tripped over the cord in the first place), because I was the one who nearly fell, it would only have injured me. She was small in height, slightly lower than me, and I walked up to her and stopped too close to her and asked in a rather low voice: “What the **** did you say?” (I deliberately violated any sense she had of personal space, and I find low angry voices scarier than loud angry voices, although I didn’t give it any thought when it played out, I just did what felt natural). She looked down and away and mumbled: “Nothing.” I replied: “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” And continued on my way, feeling pretty satisfied with having had her submit and sort of retract the statement.

I can also be mean to get even. The first time I was 4 or 5, and I stole a toy chopper from a younger boy who always was a pain. Our babysitter looked after both of us and when I tried to play with his toys (he had one in particular that I was interested in), he’d always rip it from me saying “Mine!” Well, it was his , so what could I do? He was only half my age so I couldn’t do what I wanted to do because I had been taught to never hit anyone smaller than me and that made sense to me. I’d pick up a new toy and he’d rip it from me and go “Mine!” When I gave up and just stood by the door, he’d pinch me and pull my hair. I had to go to the living room (where the sitter was) to be left alone. So when the sitter brought him to my place, I pushed his chopper farther under a chair where she didn’t see it. I made sure to grin at him so he’d understand. He went wild and had a go at me and the sitter pulled him back and I really enjoyed that! There were other incidents in my childhood and teen years when I got even for different things. I think the last time I got even for something was when I was in my mid-20’s, about 10 years ago. I didn’t plan on it because I it wasn’t a big deal. In PE (this was my 3rd attempt at high school) one guy kept hitting the volley ball to me because he knew how terribly bad I was at volleyball and I was almost guaranteed to miss or hit it in the net. Not long after in English we were doing a simple task (but because I am slow at doing things it still took time), and the teacher said that I could help (insert name). I said I wasn’t done (which was true), and she was surprised, as if good grades equal speedy work. I thought me help him ? Yeah, a snowball’s chance in a hot fiery place! When I was done (and I took my time), I asked him “Do you need help?” in the most standoffish tone I could muster. I didn’t wanna ask at all but the teacher was watching and I thought maybe I could make him eff up his answers and just say I slipped if asked. He said no.
Later I came in from lunch with a bottle of soda in my hand. There was no one else around and I noticed that guy’s locker was unlocked. I still wanted to send him a message, so I looked inside. There were only a few items there and I spilled some soda to make the shelf sticky, but I made sure to avoid his items because quite frankly it wasn’t that much of a deal and I only did it because I had an easy opportunity. Destroying something felt like way too much for something that minor.


I’ll be perfectly honest with you. I can be mean just for the f of it. Sometimes it’s caused by something as simple as me not liking someone, or it can be that I simply am in the mood to push someone’s buttons (that is, want to mess with someone).
One example that comes to mind: In 7th grade (first class of junior high at the time) there was a boy in my class I couldn’t stand. Once when he was reading out loud in class, he mispronounced a word. I snickered. I didn’t find it funny, I just wanted to embarrass him and make him feel stupid because I couldn’t stand him.
In elementary school and junior high I could do something to someone, like taking their tuque to make them come get it (because the boy in question held his head a certain way when he did and I liked how that looked because he made me think of rhinos) or shoot eraser bits at someone (to make him blush, because he was cute when he did, plus it was fun to make him react). To me those interactions were more of a sensory game than anything else (although I did find it fun to get a reaction out of them), not that much different than spinning the wheels of a toy car or watching water, or playing a certain sound over and over. Of course they wouldn’t agree with that! Once I saw it I was pretty much done with them (for now).

The worst thing I did to someone as a child was participate in the bullying campaign against a girl in my class; this was in 5th and 6th grade. The first two times, although not nice, felt more like pranks to me. I’ve mentioned them before in the thread about bad things you did in school in random section. Someone took her tuque and it got tossed around and someone threw it at me and I filled it with snow and kicked it. It landed on the lowest part of the roof. The other one was a girl suggesting to me that I sling the skipping rope poorly when that girl jumped to make her fail, and I thought that sounded like a fun idea so I did. I could have done those to anyone, but since it was her again, it must have been experienced differently from her POV. She was bullied more than I ever was and over a way longer time. To me those two incidents felt like fun, like pranks or a bit mean teasing at worst.
The third time was at her birthday party. I wasn’t paying attention when another girl told me that the birthday girl had said something. I can’t recall what it was, but it was something so incredibly ridiculous I stared at her and said “You don’t really believe that, do you?” She remained silent, just looked at me, then away. I exclaimed “er du helt på jordet?” (literally ‘are you in the field?’. An expression here that means ‘are you stupid?’ ). One of the other girls tried to smooth things out and said “It’s cold in the fields now”. I just looked at her, she sounded almost as dumb as the birthday girl. It was an expression and although I understood what she tried to do, it just made her sound lame and the girl who had said something needed to be told better, and I went back to a short explanation of why she was wrong. I wish I remember what she said in the first place, but that’s gone now. To me, that was a correction and reaction anyone would have gotten from me, while to her it must have been more of the same and the reason the other girl made me aware of it was to have me have a go at her as well of course. I didn’t get that at the time. I just reacted to what I saw as unbelievable ignorance.
The last time was also mentioned in that other thread in Random. During recess once in 6th grade, a bunch of my classmates chased that girl yelling “sheep” and “baah” (because her hairdo made her look like a sheep). On impulse I joined the chase and yelled “sheep!” at her. (Not important here but it came close to backfiring). No one tried to make join, it was entirely my decision. I did it on a whim but I knew exactly what I did. Two years earlier I had gotten the same treatment. I knew what I did, I knew how she felt (she was crying after all). Why? On a whim. How did it feel? It made adrenalin surge through me. I felt strong and powerful, I enjoyed having the power to make her react like that (although it wasn’t me alone) and right there and then it was fun. It was a rush. I felt extremely aware and conscious and focused. I think it could rightly be called “the thrill of the hunt”.

Shocking someone (usually by saying something) can also be enjoyable. Especially people who easily react.

Someone coming off as too weird can make me nasty. As a tween I both laughed at and was afraid of a woman with CP, the same with a man who always walked with a stone under his shoe. He’d shuffle along with the stone under his shoe and when the stone was stuck behind, he had to go back to get it. It was a comical sight.
I think as a spontaneous reaction that could happen at any age.

Negative emotions can also make me act out against someone. Jealousy in particular comes to mind. The most serious in newer time took place when I was 22-23, 13 years ago. There was a woman a few years older than me who I was jealous of for one reason and feared for another reason (not going into either one here; suffice to say she had done absolutely nothing at all to me, it was all my reaction to things she was an innocent part of). While I felt that way, I’d throw her mean looks and gave her the finger. One day I came home in a bad mood she was outside and my mood dropped even lower and I said something to her that I in retrospect really wish I hadn’t said. It was a slur, and I picked it because it was easy. At the time I hoped she’d retort so I could really let her have it, but she didn’t say a word, just stared at me. I was too angry to feel anything but rage. I wanted to get to her. I got no joy from what I did to her. A few months later the jealousy disappeared and the fear seemed uncalled for, so she went back to not being important to me.


This isn’t a complete list but it might give you an insight to how and why. In short the reason someone is nasty to anyone is that it gives them something. Relieving negative emotions. Kick. Fun. Power. Spontaneous reaction to someone.
It can also strengthen the bond between someone. Even just disliking the same people (without acting against them in any way) will do that.
I guess for some it can also be about positioning and fear of them becoming victims instead. Neither of those have ever motivated me.

Just for the record, having the capacity to be nasty doesn’t make me (or anyone else) do/say nasty things all the time or to everyone. But sometimes I do. I have a dark side, and I really thought most people did. Am I really the only here who have been deliberately nasty to someone??

I've been on the receiving end of it more than I've done it to others.