Someone was in my bedroom today while I was at therapy.

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It seems like you have decided on a lock, I remember it can be very hard to live in a shared house.

Can you make a statement to everyone in the house,

"I just want to remind everyone of the agreement we have, ........."

This could help re-establish your confidence without actively confronting or blaming one person.

Do you have any proof who did it? One should not make accusations which are unfounded.

briankelley, XFilesGeek. Jinks, and neilson_wheels: Thanks much. Advice and commiseration appreciated.

Jinks, I understand what you are saying, but my sense of privacy is not irrational when having it violated causes the reactions I (and apparently other autistic people) have. It is simply an accommodation of my needs for people to acknowledge that my space is my space and no one should enter without an invitation. I do not enter anyone else's space without an invitation, after all.

I do not see the point of accepting the NT perspective that it is acceptable to enter my room if one really thinks they have a reason to, because that is not my perspective, and it seems to me that I am expected to adapt to others' needs in various ways with very little adaptation for my own.

CyborgUprising: I'm not going to confront or accuse anyone, but there's really only one person who could have or would have done it.

I sleep right next to the door every night too; a neighbor had broken into my house when I was 16 several times (stole small things for drug money, he was same age & I knew him) and then he tried again while I was home with my 3 year old sister. He didn't know we were there. Called the cops, everything was fine he never got in, but I had a fear of people breaking into my house before this happened, and ever since it has been horrible. Got even worse once I moved out on my own. Now I sleep on the couch most nights next to the door with the tv on (for light mostly) b/c it's the only way I don't wake up in a state of panic 4+ times a night, think I hear someone outside my bedroom, and have to get up and check the door & every closet. I'm 26. It's not fun, but my therapist convinced me I shouldn't feel shame for sleeping in the living room if it makes me feel safe & allows me to function.

As long as you are an adult and you keep your room clean, nobody should go in there if you don't want them to. I would be furious and definitely say something. What is the worst that can happen if you do? If they wouldn't kick you out of it, then I say confront them. I would say something to everyone, so it doesn't seem like you are pointing fingers. Something like "Somebody went in my room while I was gone. While it may not seem to be a big deal to anybody else, it is to me. Do not go in my room again unless it's a life or death emergency. I mean that!" Whoever went in there will probably think you are overreacting, but so what? Lots of people are picky about their privacy and you have every right to be. Let them know you are mad about it and tell them don't do it again.

Why not just ask why your medications were on the floor? That could be a good conversation starter with very little potential conflict. I would be careful how far you take this, I agree its very stressful when someone takes things from your personal space, I have gotten very very upset and felt extreamely violated when my own mother goes into my room and borrows something as simple as a music CD of mine to play in the car and should she scratch the cover or place it in a volnerable place she is asking for a meltdown. Same goes for things like my garage, toolbox, workshop etc. Those stickres about not touching my tools are literal for me. That reaction comes off very disrespectful and uncalled for to them and in the long run is rarely good for either you or them. I don't know the agreement you have I would ask or at least tell before installing a lock as modifying someone elses house may make them feel much the same way you do now, I agree you need one though. I think the best way is for you to try to understand the NT position, for them to try to understand the autistic position and to come to some sort of reasonable middle ground both of you can live with, nothing will come of a stand off other then a cold feeling household and those are the worst kind of all no matter how much you are left alone. Damage is easier avoided then repaired.

My guess is that they went in for some reason (collecting laundry, maybe? looking for something?) and knocked them over. Apparently they figured that your not wanting them in your space was not important enough a thing for them to obey. NTs do this sometimes--the less empathic ones, anyway. They figure that because they would not mind something, you should not mind it either and therefore their going against your desires is a very minor transgression if it is one at all. It is, ironically, a lack of theory of mind on their part. (And even more ironically, autistic people tend not to do this because we are less likely to assume that other people are exactly like us, having had it proven to us many times that they are not.)

So from their perspective, it might seem very minor; from yours, it is a violation that deeply disturbs you. And it might not be possible to convince them otherwise.

I agree with your decision to get the lock. Do make sure to keep an extra key somewhere, so you don't lock yourself out. That can really ruin a person's day.

do you have a pet? I hate when someone comes into my room when I am gone. I actuallt bought and installed a lock on my door to prevent that happening

Thank you. I appreciate you didn't include conditionals regarding my privacy in your post.

I try to be fairly careful with keys.

I bolded what is probably the best possible way to bring up this subject.

I also bolded what is probably going to be the next source of conflict and where things may blow up badly for you. If you install a lock without their permission or worse yet against their wishes, they may let it be but they may also remove it and/or kick you out. It all depends on their personalities (assuming multiple other people) and your existing relationship/your legal claim to the room (is it a legally shared property? e.g. a house inherited by you and other siblings?). If the relationship has long been a positive one and this is the first trouble, there may be no problem in you installing a lock. If the relationship has long been strained, this may be a tipping point that ends very badly for you. This is something to weigh carefully before going to the hardware store.

If you do get a lock, I recommend that you get one that only requires swapping out doorknobs. A lock that does not require any new drill holes in the door or doorframe is most likely to be acceptable to the homewowners. If you are not one of the homeowners (by shared inheritance or other means), it does really need to be acceptable to them or you risk being thrown out or at least having the lock removed and a far worse relationship that could lead to trouble worse than what just happened. I have changed many locks on my home (as I am the homeowner) and have bought both those that only require swapping out doorknobs (the one you should get) and also ones that required new drill holes. I recommend the ones that require only swapping out the knobs.

edited to add: I am a homeowner. If a niece or nephew/sister or brother/cousin/friend installed a lock on a door that I did not have a key to, I would be very furious. If it was nephew/niece/cousin/friend I would kick them out. If it was my brother or sister I would let them stay but remove the lock. The only one I would let have a lock that I did not have a key to would be my daughter. I can't possibly be the only homeowner who feels this way (although other homeowners would have their own way to parse their response). So if the intruder is not your mom, be very careful before installing a lock. I'm not trying to be threatening. I'm just letting you know what sort of fury you may encounter if you install a lock without permission and the possible repercussions of that fury.

I had previously discussed installing a lock on my door with my mother (who owns the house). The thing is that she is the most likely candidate for the intrusion.

Considering the things my sister and brother-in-law have done to the doors without being kicked out, however, I suspect installing a lock is comparatively much milder. I haven't destroyed any doors, removed them from their hinges, etc. Getting kicked out is unlikely.

I was only looking at a doorknob replacement. I can handle that kind of mechanical complexity with the tools available. I have no desire to drill holes in anything.

Thank you for the perspective and advice.

Do you live in a house or what ?.

I mean surely nobody is crazy enough to break into an apartment :O

Thats the number one reason i live in an apartment, because atleast here in denmark, very very rarely do you hear about buglaries in apartments, because again so many other people that has door out on the stairwell. So you would have to be really crazy or have some big balls to start breaking into to an apartment.

Also its very nice to know that there is one way in and out, nobody can come anywhere else, we even have a door that is locked to even get inside the stairwell.

If you live in a place that has been broken in to, imo if you can i would personally move. Gonna be very hard to feel safe there again. That is what i would do at least.

I sympathize.....that would really creep me out. Try the lock and maybe a sign asking people to "please keep out, no offence, am a very private person" or something to that affect. If it keeps happening after that then put a camera in your room, get proof as to who's doing it and then confront them. At that point you'd have explicitly informed them that you didn't want anyone in your room so it'd make sense that you were upset about it.

It'd make sense, but somebody working under the assumption that you "shouldn't" think of it as a privacy violation because "I live here too" or "this is my house" wouldn't see it that way--they'd just see it as you overreacting. You can't reason with irrational people.

It's not like this is a big heavy door with a deadbolt. An interior lock of that sort can often be popped open, or the door taken off its hinges, or just knocked down. In the event of a fire, anybody getting in just needs to put their shoulder to the door and they'll have it open. So this lock is more of a reminder to them than an actual physical barrier.

You do probably owe them an explanation, something along the lines of, "I like to have privacy, and I want to be able to lock my door so that people have to knock first and can't just randomly wander in." Most neurotypicals will understand that you would not like your family to walk in on you while you were changing, for example--quite an embarrassing incident. That you want your door locked while you're gone as well might be harder to explain in a way they will understand, but maybe you could compare somebody rummaging through your room to somebody reading your diary. You're a private person, you want your room to be the place where you can relax, and you'd prefer it to be your space alone.

Your room, your stuff, they should not have been in there without permission.

The only exception might be if they had permission to go in and clean any time but it doesn't sound that way.

Another exception might be if they share the house or own the house and think your room is too dirty and want to see if you had anything in there that could draw bugs in. You mentioned the dirty plate. Don't leave dirty plates or cups in there, maybe they will stop. I would also tell them it bothered you.