When people start to dislike you, is it gradual or sudden?

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I live in an intentional community, so the whole social infrastructure is flower-scented, hand-holding, candy-coated "diversity and acceptance." (Nothing like an asperger's person to tax this contrived credo.) Community has a more accelerated transient populace than average workforces and neighborhoods -- yet the max population at any given moment is exceedingly small; these are essential factors. Generally, everyone is (superficially) embraced from go, then the social microscope goes to work. Imagine hippie high school forever. So, in my instance, gradual is the process. Gradual but inexorable. One-on-one interactions work fine for me (usually) but, in community, it doesn't take long to find the person who doesn't navigate combinations well. "Community" is all about conformity. That's why I live here nocturnally: sure I love my fellow humans -- I love them best when they're asleep. And although they treat me like a weirdo, they rather fancy how my autism permits me to do so much repetitive work (making hammocks) without supervision. There's a lot of things I like about community (flexible work schedule, health benefits, job security, rent control, no need to drive) but those are things, not people. All in all, I don't need to be liked, just tolerated.

Roughly this and also what Cinnamon said. Some people start to treat me like a child or a dumb person and explicitly start to metacommunicate (communicate about communication) about social etiquettes during conversation. For example: "Hans, don't interrupt other people when they are talking." Maybe a way of blocking me off, but that also has consequences in my work: my work sometimes requires to talk with other colleagues. But... on the other hand, when I am talking with someone, I am interrupted by a third person or by the person I am talking to. So they themselves break the rule that they were teaching me.

Other point is that people become (very) friendly, more friendly than they are towards other colleagues. I start to suspect that the friendliness is fake and they may gossip behind my back.

Last edited by hans66 on 20 May 2013, 7:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

Vanhalenkurtz writes....

"Community" is all about conformity."

In a nutshell this is very true and why we are not commonly accepted as we have trouble conforming and following the "unwritten" rules.

I have had the exact same experience (also with teachers who I respect in the same way and feel validated by)- one in particular very recently. Usually with me, it's gradual- she's been acting 'off' with me on and off for a few months, but a couple of weeks ago she completely stopped communicating with me and I have no idea why. Like you, I'm avoiding the situation by not going anywhere near her and avoiding classes/groups she'll be in. She won't reply to emails and walks past me if she sees me. It's really horrible because I really looked up to her and respect her.

THIS. It's so frustrating!!

I think people automatically dislike or feel uncomfortable around things they don't understand. And given how our brains are wired totally differently, it is very easy to do so. I feel it takes a very strong and wise or bighearted person to move past this or become aware of how they react and why.

I find that one of the pluses of my AS is that although most people hate me, my NT friends are some of the wisest, kindest people of the NT world, people I am honoured to be friends with. The others are too shallow to see beyond their knee-jerk, id-driven disgust.

Last edited by aspieMD on 21 May 2013, 12:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I suspect is has always been gradual, but I only notice it when it's near complete...so it appears to be "sudden."

I agree. I think that they think about it for a while and then something I do becomes the "last straw" and they've reached a point wheren they have had enough and just give up. It seems like a sudden decision, but it wasn't.

Usually gradual, and often times I can't pinpoint the turning point in which all of a sudden I became a bad guy. That frustrates me more than the like/dislike part; not knowing what happened.

Definitely. I really hate the horrible don't-know-what-I've-done, uncertain bit where you feel 'yucky' but don't know why and can't seem to fix it without making it worse.

Sudden, because I'm usually the one that calls out on something hypocritical they're doing. They don't hate me until I'm honest with them.

Other than that, I seem to get the opposite affect with people. A lot of my good friends right now started out hating me, because they thought I was a know-it-all (definitely not true ). Then they gradually get to know what I'm really like, and end up liking me.

Agreed.

I was wondering if a person I have been spending time with is now my friend and my wife looked at me as though I were an alien and said, "of course he likes you! It's obvious." This was the first time it occurred to me that NT people actually sense when they have established that kind of relationship. I am always a bit anxious about relationships because I don't have any sense like that and I am trying to use other information to infer the status of the relationship.

Not having that sense means I may think someone is a friend when they are more of an acquaintance and I may think the relationship is good when it has soured--so the moment when it's obvious seems sudden to me, but I really have no idea.

It works the other way too: I may think that someone is just an acquaintance or even an enemy and then realize that they are actually a friend or ally. That can seem sudden, too--but I think there is always some period of development and I have been oblivious.

It seems to always be sudden. With acquaintances I can usually pinpoint a moment and a facial expression that means they've "caught" me, they've realized I'm not normal and not worth their time. The trouble is I can't see any pattern to what causes it so I can avoid it. Once in a while I realize what was wrong with whatever I just said or did, but usually I'm completely in the dark.

With friends it's also sudden. I've had a few pretty good friends in my life, but they all suddenly got mad at me and dropped me without explanation. I had one friend who didn't do that, but instead she became condescending and started treating me like a charity case or "fixer-upper" project, so I dropped her. I have one friend right now who has recently started treating me that way too, so I'm probably going to avoid her as much as possible and hope she'll leave me alone.

In romantic relationships it has been very different. I've usually been the one who left, because the relationship caused me more anxiety than it was worth or the guy was too controlling.

Exactly!

Usually, their "last straw" is my first inkling and the severity of their behavior doesn't match the current incident so at first I'm shocked and then I figure more must have been going on before this that I wasn't aware of. Pretty much happens with everyone I interact with at one point or another. The only difference is some people come back around after I explain myself and we come to an understanding or they just go away.

This!! !! This entire thread represents everything that is wrong with my life. Brought back a lot of hurt.
Also the charity case one mentioned earlier... Too true. Also in 4th grade when my two best friends since kindergarten told me they don't want me around anymore... That hurt. I still have no idea what I did wrong. That makes me feel so vulnerable and powerless.

I think it is mainly the frustration with us for ignoring their social cues. That is what sets the alarm off for them. Eventually their cues become more ronounces but by them it's the last straw.

I hate those condescending people who talk to me like I'm a ret*d five year-old. Ugggh that is the entirety of my med school class. Also the teacher thing... Welcome to my entire life!! !

With me its usually gradual. In my experiences the people usually want to be with me or hang out with me less and less until they start to distance themselves. With me I will get to know about someone before I judge them.