Anyone else think they would “outgrow” their social issues?

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OddButWhy - Thanks for the reply.

Your story sounds very familiar. I experienced difficulty fitting in my entire life at both school and work.

Like you, I started my career as a programmer. I could not imagine doing that for 30 or so years. So, I spent the next 20+ years going from position to position. Later, I tried the consultant path. That was a disaster (because I suck at networking and connecting with people).

My life also had been driven by a long list of SHOULDs. Fortunately, learning about Aspergers and going through a formal diagnosis has been liberating. I no longer feel obligated to listen to those SHOULDs. I just need to decide where to go from here.

Rocket123,

Yes, where to go from here. The most consequential decision I've ever faced. The hard part (well, one of the hard parts) is sorting out the "shoulds" so they CAN be put aside. I'm so accustomed to thinking, "yeah, I can do that if I try harder," or, "that shouldn't be any trouble," or, "I can figure it out / deal with it / overcome it," that I don't really know myself at all.

When you tried being a consultant, did you have any particular goal in mind? Like it would force you to develop your people skills? Or that you might find a compatible permanent position by being exposed to different office environments?

OBH

OddButWhy – My goal was simply to work in an area of interest, where I could do the work that I am reasonably good at without experiencing the downside of working in a social environment.

So. One of my special interests has been computers and software. This goes back to when I was really young (my Mom took me to the Lawrence Hall of Science, where we got to play games on their computers). I even took my first computer class as a Freshman in High School (which was pretty rare, back in the late 1970s).

Anyways, I had always liked working in software product development – doing analysis, design and implementation of computing systems. I knew I had some talent in this area (not only because it was a passion of mine, but also because I have a very logical, detailed-oriented mind).

But, I had issues working in the working world:
- I had social issues (with both co-workers and those in authority). Most of my social issues seemed to be “political” in nature. And, quite simply, I was ill-prepared to handle the politics of an organization (still am). I was constantly on the wrong side of political maneuverings. And, often got into trouble for it.
- I had issues with my work style. I am very detailed oriented. And my work style demands that I collect and organize lots of information before doing anything. It ends up taking me a lot longer to do things, but the things are done correctly. Unfortunately, it’s unclear if that is actually valued in the neurotypical world. At one job, the manager asked me to do only an “80% job”. I couldn’t comprehend what that meant (still don’t).
- I tried to overcome my individual shortcomings by similar thoughts as yours (i.e. "yeah, I can do that if I try harder”). So, I tried to compensate by working longer and longer hours. To the point of exhaustion.

So, I had met a number of contractors during my career. And, one of the key selling points (from their perspective) was being able to focus on the work and not get involved with the politics. So, I figured – this is something I should try.

So, I have been “trying” contracting for 4 years. It’s been OK – sort of. I had one long gig with a former employer. That gig worked out nicely as I could focus on my work and not get involved in the politics. However, that contract ended (many months ago) and I have had issues finding a new one. While I have above average verbal skills, I interview poorly (I am way too honest about my experience, my limitations, etc.). I am simply unwilling to do what others are – which is stretch the truth and/or blatantly lie. Also, I suck at networking.

So, I am thinking that probably it’s time to try something new. I am not certain what though. I do want to deploy my talents for doing something positive in the world.

This sounds so familiar. We had an Apple II when I was a kid so I learned BASIC programming in the early 80's, followed up with Assembler and COBOL while still in high school. I was good at it so followed the skill into college with a computer science degree.



I started having trouble right away. In retrospect it was because of the loss of the structured world of academia. The first programming job was frustrating because there was no witten documentation of how the system worked. Very few in-code comments, either.

It didn't help that I was extremely hesitant about asking for assistance. After all, I was a smart guy, I should have been able to figure it out. Asking for help was a sign of weakness.



Yeah, an initial attraction for me too was the absence of office politics. I could just concentrate on my work. Little did I realize the importance of networking! So it became a long downward spiral. In the end,I was doing on-call tech support by phone, remote control, and on-site, and losing my mind because there was absolutely no day-to-day consistency. When I finally gave up and walked away from it, swearing, " never again!", I would have been happy to take up ditch-digging as a career.

I'm bad at interviews, too. I find it impossible to gloss over deficiencies, or think quickly in response to something unexpected. i am honest and naive to a fault. When I saw a career counselor to try to get a job hunt on track, and before I had any suspicion of aspie-ness, I tried describing my interview difficulties to him and got the response, "what the h___ happened to you to make you feel like such an imposter?!?" He hit the nail right on the head. I do many times feel like an imposter.

OBW

Sometimes the lack of day to day consistency is good, but not to the extent that you're describing.

Whilst I have outgrown certain aspects, I would say they have given birth to equally socially unsuitable quirks.

I used to be so useless at communication that I came across as sullen and moody, along with my good Baltic looks, this at least gave me the occasional access to Women and their bodies for a while, (I tended to end the relationship before long, before they realisied I wasn't a bad boy, I simply couldn't connect).

Now however, and especially since SSRIs cured my social anxiety, I am free to expose the real and lovely me to the world, whilst however this might make me quite liked at a superficial level, it is now plain to any possible romantic interest that I am totally weird and so to proceed no further.

I feel maybe it would be better if I just kept my mouth shut like I used to have to do. at least it made me appear mysterious and hid the real me from the world.

For me, I like day to day consistency in some areas (e.g. I have my share of rituals).

Ultimately, for me, I think it's a question of control. I desire to control my environment and myself. I don’t like change, unless I can prepare for it and control it (or unless I initiate it). I vehemently dislike people trying to control me.

The last one (“vehemently dislike people trying to control me”) is yet another reason I wanted to try the contracting route. Because I felt like I was in more control. As I was “selling myself” by the hour instead of being an exempt wage slave (subject to the contemptuous demands of corporate management).

Is it common for aspies to become quiet and introverted when they realize they don't recognize others' "I'm bored with your monologue" signals? (I have plenty of those moments in both the distant and not-so-distant past.)

Last edited by OddButWhy on 15 May 2013, 4:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes. Well, that and the social exclusion that often follows.

Hmm. Yeah, that too.

<processing...>

I never thought I had any social issues.

I'm ok, around lowkey people, but have come to realize that I was much happier, alone. I am still looking for a situation, in which I can be physically comfortable, have nice things, with minimal interaction.

I am of the type, who would offer practical assistance. I really try hard to pay attention to nuance, but get alot of overt anger and misdirection.

If I had isolated myself, for what is called self-care, I would have spent my time more productively and been less flustered.

Before proof reading, some of these lines were typed, more than once. Alot of stuff hasn't gotten done. Happens around other people's big events.