Should Marriage Be Our Ultimate Goal?

Post Reply New Topic

I realize that different people have totally different values. Many people seem to think getting married is one major goal for everyone. So people keep asking me when I'm getting married etc. Some people are so miserable because they don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend as if that made them worthless. So in their eyes, I must be looking like a total loser. I can't help wondering how getting married could be so important. I'm not happy about my life in general but not being married has nothing to do with my unhappiness. I'm not happy mostly because of my underachievement. I think each person has its own idea of happiness/good life etc.

I once had a very successful career, making loads of money as a professional sculptor.

But I was empty inside because I had no-one to share all that success with. I was so lonely and sad that it made me depressed, and I eventually lost interest in my career because it seemed so shallow and pointless. It got so bad that I became a recluse, never leaving my room and not caring about my personal hygiene / appearance. At the time I thought why bother if there is no point to life?

Eventually I broke myself out of that cycle and forced myself to socialise. It was very difficult and fraught with stressful setbacks, but eventually I met a lovely, kind and understanding woman.

Now I earn a pittance giving private art lessons, but I'm married with two fantastic children of my own and one teenager from my wife's previous marriage. My wife is now also my carer, and I couldn't cope without her, just as I would be lost without my beautiful children.

Even if I spend most of my time in my own room doing my own thing, its such a reassurance to know my wife is there when I need her. And spending time playing with my children helps me to feel good about myself in a way no career could ever do. I especially enjoy time with my Autistic son! We can sit together and quietly enjoy each others company without feeling the need to mindlessly babble for no reason. The bond between us is way better than anything I could get from the outside world, and is worth more than any amount of success to me.

I love my life now, I still have many problems because of my autism, but I cope better being in my family than I would if I was alone again.

So no, marriage is not the primary goal of a successful life, nor should it be an automatic expectation or duty. But at the same time, if you can find the right person, it can make life much fuller and happier!



Oh and I agree that children need good and well defined parents to develop properly. Not just any parents - I wouldn't wish my violent and abusive father on anyone, but stable and caring parents. Raising kids by committee just isn't a workable option, as anyone who has actually raised kids will understand.

It is enough, if it is enough to satisfy you.

A person should try to cap their life with marriage, if they want to be married. If they are willing to pay that price in exchange for companionship. But that means living 24/7 with another human being, having them make about 50% of 100% of your decisions, giving them a controlling stake in your life. It means having to deal with their pathologies at the same time that you try not to leave them stuck dealing with yours. It's not a nice party and a big cake, nor is it romatic notions of "to have and to hold" and never being lonely again. Those things are bait. I love my husband, I swear I do, but marriage is one of the lonliest and most disempowering things I have ever experienced. Maybe it's different for guys, but-- DH thinks of himself as and tries very hard to act as a liberated, open-minded, egalitarian male, and a decade and a half of married life has shown me that I am still chattel.

Again, a person should try to cap their life with kids only if they want kids. Do you enjoy other peoples' kids?? Do you like playing with them? Do you sort of enjoy setting them straight when they do something messed-up? Do you think you could swat one on the bottom, or stuff them in a chair (possibly repeatedly), or stuff them in a bedroom (possibly repeatedly) without getting all emotional about it or losing your own leash and hurting them? Do you think you can spend the next 18+ years co-building a human being-- one that has it's own very firm, sometimes right and sometimes wrong, beliefs about what it should be??

Can you love it and embrace it no matter what it does, and still be logical enough to tell it when it's wrong and try to set it right (you get more experienced, but it also gets harder as the human gets older)?? Again, can you deal with another human being 24-7?? Can you admit when you are wrong?? Apologize??

Kids are great. I love my kids. For all they drive me crazy, they are my light and joy and reason for living.

Kids are kids. They are NOT a capstone or a crowning achievement or a jewel for a crown or a human obligation or any of the rest of that crap. They're kids.

If you want to raise kids, have kids. If you don't, then don't. They're too much work to have for any reason other than the desire to do the work.

No I'll never get married and I don't like kids there noisy and dirty.

Traditional marriage is not all that it is cracked up to be. Although it is an improvement over a single Mother trying to raise her kids nevertheless it does not offer complete protection for the children. In this capitalist economy it is all too common for the both parents to be out of work and once the house is foreclosed the children will end up homeless. The advocates of traditional marriage want the end of welfare as we have known it which means no food stamps , no unemployment insurance, no housing assistance and no health insurance.

Hmph! Well, not me. I think marriage is a good thing, and I believe in communities helping each other when they are in trouble. I get food stamps, and I work at a food pantry to give food to others who need it, so I'm on both ends of it, and I've never yet seen a situation where I would not give food to a hungry person. No matter how lazy they supposedly are, how are they supposed to work if they're too hungry to think?

I'm not getting married myself, nor am I raising children, but I think the family in all its many forms is the best environment for a child to grow up in. If we're worried about people who lose their jobs and the situation endangers their kids, then we should help them find jobs and make sure nobody starves in the meantime. People are supposed to watch out for each other. Family ties support the members of the family; community ties support the families.

BTW, yeah, I agree a single parent can be successful. Having one person who loves you is enough. But community support--things like decent, affordable child care and the presence of other trustworthy adults that the child can depend on--will make it much easier.

Getting married is a personal choice, though, and it's not an absolute must even if you do have kids. Like with my mom: She thought kids HAD to have a dad, so she married the first guy who paid attention to her. Twice. Turns out they both liked beating up on little kids. We'd have been much better off growing up with her as a single mom, especially since we also lived quite close to my grandparents. There are situations that work just as well as marriage, like with a gay/lesbian couple who can't get married in their state, or when a child is raised by one parent and extended family. The important part isn't the legal document, but the long-term commitment, the stability, the presence of people that a child can depend on.

That is one of my main goals but I have work to do before I could contribute in a marriage. Even though I am an atheist, I think it symbolizes the "icing on the cake" of a relationship. Plus marriage is separate from religion.

I think the environment we grew up in greatly influences our opinion on this topic. I grew up in a stable, middle class home. Those who have lived in a negative and chaotic family environment are more likely to have a negative view on marriage.

No one should be scorned or forced into something they are uncomfortable with. People do not need marriage to have happy, fulfilling lives. In the same token people should not be bashed for choosing to marry.

I consider marriage to be an optional thing. I don't consider it to be a must for a successful life.

As with all life decisions, it would depend on the individual person. I personally, could see myself having a family, however I do not believe I'd make a good father, nor that I could support a family if the decision were to be made.

At my age, I still question these things, and so I do not believe I will have a family of my own, even if the "right person" were to come along.

Married twice. Autism definitely the reason #2 failed. Dad got replaced w/ proper breadwinner. I used to believe in the line, but soulmate is toothfairy. Divorce is the new marriage anyway.