I hate Asperger's

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I think things are more fun when you're NT. Things are fun for Autistics too, but that depends on what symptoms you have. I mean, if you're like me, extremely shy, unconfident, socially anxious, nervous, and giving off unapproachable vibes whilst doing every approachable move in the book like smiling and eye contact, life really sucks for you.....depending on how much isolation affects you. If isolation makes you feel depressed, lonely, separated - then having AS is no fun at all.
You go to work and will always have something offish about you, no matter how many social skills you learn and how much you think you fit in and how nice people are to you. You've got to face these people nearly every day or every other day, and you worry like hell about making a social faux pas. People are nice to me at work at the moment, but so were the people at my volunteer job I used to go to, then after a couple of years or so some of them began to dislike me and act a little hostile. And I thought volunteers would be a little more open-minded, being so they don't have to be there, and you do get all sorts of different people volunteering, so I thought they would have been more tolerant. We did have a few adults with special needs that went there, not necessarily Autism or Asperger's, but other conditions that make them different from the norm. I wasn't nowhere near as severe as them, and they weren't, like, severe severe.
Also going on holiday (or vacation. In the UK we call it ''holidays''). Usually when people come back from a holiday abroad (or anywhere, for that matter), they show us photos of them with some friends they met there, and someone always meets a boy/girlfriend there, even if it doesn't last it still flatters them during their holiday. Whenever I go away, whoever I may be with, we never seem to meet any friends. Nobody even talks to us, as though something about my ugly impression frightens people off. Surely that can't be the Asperger's, I mean, when my mum went to America she said there was a young man with diagnosed Asperger's Syndrome in their hotel with his mum, and they were all friendly with each other and nobody got frightened off just because he had Asperger's. Nobody even knew he had Asperger's until his mum said, and nobody knows I have it just by looking at me because my symptoms aren't obvious. All I do is look a bit shy, but then so do some NTs, and there isn't an awful lot I can do about it. But it makes me feel like it is bad to be shy.

I just hate having Asperger's so much. Why do some brains have to be wired this way? Why oh why oh why????????????

I eat incredibly healthy and I don't mean "Subway" healthy. I know this day and age eating "healthy" can mean a lot of things but I am very well educated on nutrition. The majority f what I eat is mostly vegetables, salmon and fruit. I do this mostly to maintain my weight (I like to stay within the 120's) and for general well being.

Attack! Don't be passive. Try to make 1 or 2 changes for the better. Time will help. But you need to take action. For me action means finding other ASDs to interact with. This site is great, and i mean to find a few ppl 'in real life' too. What would help you i can't say, but please try something and persist persist persist.

You know, when I'm watching a good story unfold there's always one common theme that's shared throughout all the stories, the protagonist is always vying from a position of great weakness, he's never strong, never too wise or powerful, but weak.

But it's because of that weakness that his story becomes all the more compelling.

Aspies are NO different from that, all stories would become boring if it was just complete and utter domination, but it's for the fact that we're disenfranchized that we can gain the perspective to really move the heart. A priest said something the other day that I thought was really wise, he said that it was the people whom are disenfranchized that will bring balance back to the world. That perspective is a power that aspies share, we're disenfranchized but that is what gives us the insight we need to fulfill our calling, which will make things easier for not only future aspies, but for NT's as well.

I find, for me (don't like to speak for anyone else here), that Asperger's is madness. It makes me insane, and also the people around me insane (if they are familiar enough). My mum has three other siblings, but she's the only one out of them who has the most ailments through stress what built up over the past couple of decades, and she's also the only one out of them who has been hitting herself in the face because of stress and self-doubt. And I know that's because of bringing up an Aspie daughter. Her three siblings all had NT children, and although they have had stress and strife with their kids too, they still haven't done mad things like my mum. Also I don't think my (NT) brother would be so emotionally insecure and depression-prone and nervous of the world if it wasn't for having me as a sister.

Whenever I think of that I just want to be dead so that my family would be better off. This f*****g Asperger's has let myself and my family down. Makes me feel like Asperger's has made me a bad person.

Joe90, you are not a bad person so don't feel like one. I really wish you were a happy one.

i am extraordinarily compassionate. I know that I have relieved pain, at least temporarily, for a huge amount of people. Were I not autistic I cannot see myself as compassionate as I am. Life would most likely have been easier, but there is a very good chance that I would have followed the herd in inflicting suffering on others who are "different."
I think there are reasons we have been sent here, and that loving and alleviating the pain in others is a big part of it. Autism has made so much of life difficult but if I were able to trade it away I do not think I would because I have no idea whether I would have a positive impact on the world [ and yes, there are so many starfish struggling and I can only help a very few of them] but being me, complete with my autism, I know I am making my small positvie difference.

Very inspiring. Love it.

Good. Then you'll understand what I say when I share it.

To me, "normal" has become sub-par. I may have issues, and be perceived as unemotional and rigid by some, by damn if I can't mentally run circles around those people and solve their "complex issues" like they were asking about 1+1.

I have my problems (and I have to say that the right drugs have made a HUGE impact on my being able to manage my day to day life) but I am me. No one else can be me, and no one else can do the things I do, quite in the exact same way that I do them. Sometimes, this is a drawback, sometimes, this is an exceptional advantage.

You gotta learn to find the good aspects where you can find them,and do those things more often. Life isn't some great, big, fantastic design where you win a nobel prize and change the world. In real life, we do the best we can to make a little change in the right direction every day. That's all most of us can do.

I also had a sibling that was very impacted by my behaviour. She now goes out of her way to be the complete opposite of who/what I am. I felt guilty about "not raising her well" for a very long time (because of a large age gap and my mother being a single mom with several jobs). I also decided never to have children myself because of my anger towards myself regarding my own poor judgment on how I had raised my sister.

But I love her. And I love who she is, despite the fact that she is the complete opposite of me in every way and we can hardly stand to be in the same environment for more than a day without having it out... she is a good person.

We can't agree. I did some bad things when we were young. I was a bad example. But she's a good person.

No one is happy all the time, that's unnatural and can't be expected of anyone.. but to say that someone is a good person, with strong values and a very strong sense of right and wrong... you can't really ask for much better than that in the end..

I thought about this for like three days before being able to post about it.

I wanted to say I like the optimistic viewpoint but, "optimistic" sort of perhaps implies something that may not really come true. I do really believe what you are saying though so I have to say I like the upbeat nature of it.

Actually, I think Aspies are just part of normal human nature and by understanding Aspies better, we will understand humanity. I say this as an NT.

Anyway, your post is more relevant to me than the Shakespeare I had to read to get through school. In fact, it's a lot better than much of the literature that was forced on me. I guess I am more reality based.

Hey look, all your family wants to do is see you do well. It's not like you have to get elected president either. They have a sense of who you are and any little things you can do will give them optimism and relief.

Asperger's changes over time doesn't it? That is my understanding. Most people do.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Life isn't easy when you don't have the same instantaneous social clues that you can rely on to guide you even if you have no idea about what to do. It's not like you chose Asperger's because you are lazy and are taking the easy way out.

Honestly, if you are doing your best, I mean really doing your best; then what more can you do.

Like seriously just find a really good cookie recipe and make it sometimes and no matter what your family will always have that good memory of you. We NTs have pretty selective memories sometimes and maybe that is what they will mostly see. Or clean up the house if you don't like to cook or do whatever to give them a way to think about you positively. Trust me - you don't have to be perfect for your family to love you very much.

No, there is nothing good about Asperger's. I just want out of this f*****g pathetic life. I hate my job, I hate my life, and I hate who I am. Of all the things in the world I have to have f*****g Asperger's. It's the most cruelest non-life-threatening thing ever. The isolation caused by such vivid shyness is dreadful. The double standards I see every day of my life are frustrating. The unfriendly stares I get from people in the street, all because I look a teeny bit nervous, otherwise nothing else but normal. What the f**k is wrong with people?

And my lacking social skills. It is really starting to f*****g cause problems in every area of my life. It's even interfering with my job. But I am not ''disabled'' enough to not work, yet work is so daunting for me. It's not fair being caught in this trap. It's not Asperger's itself what is the issue, it's the way Asperger's affects me, and it affects me in the most awkwardest ways. I think the more social skills an Aspie has, the more the Aspie is going to struggle, because it makes the Aspie self-aware and have a strong desire for friendships and get more depressed the more they feel isolated, and it all just affects them more. I think an Aspie is better off when they aren't so self-aware, not hypersensitive to what other people think of them, is comfortable and happy with having no friends, and can just focus on a special interest for hours alone, and can receive disability benefits so that they can only work, like, a few hours a week or do volunteering or just help out somewhere remote and solitary like a farm, with somebody who knows them well, like an understanding relative. I can't do that. I've got to do everything the NT society way, which to me is the ''hard way''.

Then I become self-loathing because I worry that it's not anxiety what is holding me back from working, but is laziness instead. But then, when I do work, I'm very self-sufficient and willing to get the tasks done thoroughly, and I am very reliable too. So that proves to myself that it probably is not laziness, but just lack of motivation to go into work, especially when the job involves some stressful tasks. It's tasks what involve being loud and assertive to people what stresses me out, but I don't want special consideration from the managers either. I just want to be safe in a job what doesn't involve being in awkward contact with customers or any other client type where assertiveness is essential. I just want a non-stressful job. But is there such a thing?

I f*****g HATE Asperger's.

I also feel so lost in this world and i used to be fine when i was about 16 but now im 25 and aspergers has never been worse and idk i think its like some sick cruel joke from god sometimes.... Its like i really am from a different planet sometimes and i blend like a chameleon but feel nothing like a rock??

What's your favorite food? I'd think of the texture of that food when looking at them.



I can so relate to that.




I have to be loud and assertive sometimes too. Only I am getting older now and don't have the energy. What works really well, a little mechanical trick I somehow learned, is to practice deep breathing. On the in-breath, I will use my stomach muscles and sometimes tense my arms and chest muscles to get a really strong and long in-breath, then I relax and use different stomach muscles and tense my hamstrings and backside to really get a push out. I do this when waiting for a bus or even walking down the street. I think it is pretty much invisible. Then when I do need to be loud, it's easy physically as I've built up that capacity by "exercising". I used to love running but having no-time and no-energy and pollution stopped that.

Anyway, these are two tricks I use. I am NT but really do relate to what you said about self awareness. I'm in a foreign country speaking a foreign language and the better my communication skills get, the more I realize how bad they are.

Last edited by realityIs on 25 Oct 2013, 7:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.