What movitates or motivated you to stay alive

Post Reply New Topic

So other people don't win. They'd be winning if I killed myself.

No, not really. In fact, that is an idea I have been obsessed with for over two years now. I feel like Adam after the fall. I feel like I have gained too much self-consciousness to really become a child ever again, which is a shame. It is hard to explain, sorry.

because I like being alive, I can't create art from a grave, or listen to music or any of the things I enjoy if I'm rotting in the ground.

But most of all I don't want to leave my kids without a dad, or miss out on any part of them growing up. I've never been suicidal anyway, but the thought of dying and the effect it would have on my kids really upsets me.

Can I ask you why you feel that way? Because life is basically a competition?

You and I have the same feelings about life. I don't have a desire to have a job, friends, husband, house, kids, etc. I don't have a special interest that is something I can make a career out of either. I don't know why I'm alive. I guess the only thing that keeps me alive is whenever I've had a near death experience I've freaked out and wished to stay alive. What crossed my mind is "I'm lucky to have my life that I have. I have nice parents, I live in a nice house, I don't have to work or go to school and my parents are capable of supporting me." And then for that brief time I feel lucky and high on life. It eventually disappears and it's a cycle of not sure why I'm alive and then feeling high on life and lucky again. Hopefully one day you and I will find a purpose in life.

Hindus think that if you suicide, you come back to a very similar situation. I'm mostly hanging on in hopes of helping people to understand each other. I see patterns that others miss, leading to mistaken conflict and blame. I once did some great engineering, but business wasn't interested in stuff that increased consumer independence.

I guess I'm stubbornly hanging on hoping my lot in life will improve in the near future.

https://facultystaff.richmond.edu/~bmay ... ma_NYT.pdf
If your antidepressants aren't helping you and you're starting to feel suicidal and homicidal, it's time to ditch them. What you're experiencing could be BECAUSE OF the antidepressants, not in spite of them.

But to answer your question: things like food, the enjoyment of games, enjoyment of learning and real-world puzzles, the enjoyment of sharing ideas and knowledge and experience with others, sleep, music.

The only one of those things I know I enjoyed when I was suicidal was food and sleep and music, and the one of them, sleep, I felt I never got enough of. I probably enjoyed the other things too, but it was that I felt that I couldn't enjoy anything that made me suicidal. I had responsibilities that overwhelmed me, and I felt ashamed and guilty because I wasn't succeeding at them. It overpowered all the good such that it didn't matter that I had things I enjoyed. I also think I had medical issues causing my depression.

I work on my hobbies a lot. I used to desire a more outgoing and upbeat lifestyle but realized that I was feeling guilt for not doing what people around me were doing. I partied and did drugs and drank like people in their early twenties do and found that it just wasnt for me, but that's just who I am. I'm a person with Aspergers and it will take me a little longer to get to where I want to be. But that's okay, you know? People have obstacles.

When I felt suicidal I learned to cut myself a little slack. No one is perfect and there are always people out there going through s**t, just like me. Don't invest time in hating the people around you, everything is temporary and how well you learn to adapt to the temporary changes that life with throw at you every day will help you in seeing past the 'nowness' of a situation.

Keep up on your hobbies, maybe talk about getting your meds changed as well.

I promised someone I would never leave them like that.

No, it's not a competition to me. Others probably think it is. I made that post because throughout my life, people have tried to make me seem worthless and inferior to them. Killing myself would make it seem like they were right and that I am indeed worthless. I disagree. Comtinuing to live will sort of be like fighting back.

First of all, I'm scared of dying too soon.

Second of all, I may be bad, but I'm not THAT bad.

Third of all, I have people who love me and care about me and would be devastated if I did that.

Finally, I'm only young, I have so much to live for, even if I'm not quite there yet.

What motivates or motivated me to stay alive?

The burning desire to NOT give any satisfaction to the b_st_rds who said that I would amount to nothing.

my sister would miss me if I ditched her before my [and her] time.

Like most people, family is the main factor. Most of my friends have more or less moved on with their lives. Online friends might never found out if I did it. But my family would be greatly affected by it.

The other reason is I enjoy somethings. I enjoy thinking about the possibilities the future might offer.

^^^
at least, I wanna live long enough to see what pluto looks like in the flesh, as it were, when the new horizons space probe sends back those pics at long last.