Do you have problems socializing with family?

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I have trouble socializing with everybody, my immediate family are the only people I really have any relationship with. I don't have anything to do with the extended one on either side

My entire family of origin (and much of the extended family) is either likely on the spectrum or would be deemed just short of the needed criteria, but having many of the contributing issues. But in our case, the expectation of being "social" and "respectable" - usually relabeled as "popular" and "well mannered" or some such is so embedded in their micro-subculture that mental illness or even difficulty or anything diagnosable is considered shameful.

I've sorta taken a wrecking ball to that tradition at the holidays when we visit. My origin-family now knows that my kids just might need to stop socializing and go read or draw or whatever in another room. And my children know how to recognize when they need to do so and to excuse themselves. They also know that my spouse and I are okay with it because we'll often ask them if they want to go for a walk when *we* get overloaded.

So, we used to have a lot more trouble socializing with my family of origin, but now we've taught them how we need it to be if we are to all get together. And it's working out...okay. Still takes a full day to recover from the stimulus, noise, etc.

I've never socialized too much with family. They're decent people though.

Ohhhhh yeah. Big time.

As a kid I never did play with my younger siblings... I didn't really do all the "silly" stuff that younger kids do. I was serious most of the time. My siblings of course decided that I spoiled everything and we never really got along. I preferred to be plugged into our computer or a book and be in my own little world.

Holidays always tire me, And even if its not a lot of people, I've got like an itch to get back to a quiet zone thanks to a talkative step-mother. I can handle social interaction, but for too long and it starts to get annoying. When it goes on long enough (I.E. a week+ on end) I tend to get really desperate and I tend to lash out at pretty much everything.

Depends on who the family member is. Very close and comfortable around a very select few. Contentious with a few others. Outright animosity with the rest.

i thought i was the only one my family is always teasing me and being rude, its just not fair how they can get all along except with me, two days ago i tried having a conversation with my mum, and my sister decides to interrupt, and my mother chooses her side and im stuck by myself, i walk out of the resturaunt until the rest of my family comes out and we can finally leave that place and go home where i am usually all the time because my friends never want to hang out adnd play on a stupid gaming console all day...

I don't really socialize with my family much, its not that I don't like them or anything its just something I've always struggled with. I'm terrible at these family events, I usually last about half an hour before I slip out when nobody's watching and chill out in the car for the rest of the day

I prefer to be alone, although I don't mind talking to my immediate family. Family gatherings though, are a different story. I always try and leave as soon as possible. People always try and talk to me but I can't talk back more than one or two word answers, I get too panicked and just freeze... I wish I had more confidence.

Family for me is more aggravating than anything. I do like to be around my family, but it can be trying. They're about the only people I can stand to be around for any length of time. But, it gets straining. And, I definitely prefer to be alone. Love my wife dearly, but do need time away from her too. Thank goodness she's really independent and does not have difficulty with me staying home when she wants to go out and do things. My problem with family and wife seems to revolve around length of time spent around them. The longer the time, the more effort required to continue the facade of giving a damn about the stuff that I'm not interested in and it doesn't take long for that to start wearing down.

And, my problem is not the one or two word answers. It's the opposite when I get 'cornered' and have to speak. Something happens and I get too verbose. I also feel compelled to give answers when asked and that bothers me.

There are two families that I know and love, the immediate one that I'm really close to, and the other which is a very complicated family that we here in Scotland call a Clan.

My immediate family consists of my Father, Mother, and Siblings.

For years my family severely downplayed the debilitating nature of my Autism, to avoid the Clan incarcerating me in a Psychiatric hospital, as the Clan had done with other Clansmen. My family never gave up on trying to find the truth behind my mental illness, and for a long time permitted all manner of Doctors, Psychologists, and Researchers to run their tests on me. Until at long last, their eternal vigilance had been rewarded, and I was revealed to be a Little Engineer (which would later be re-classed as Little Thinker, then as Little Dreamer, which is subclass of Little Philosopher) which was considered one of the many types of Little Autism Spectrum Disorders.

Getting back to family.

I remember the first time my family had "The Talk" with me, which they broke up into "phases". Phase 1, which I like to call the "We love you know matter what phase." took place at the kitchen table someday during the summer the preceded my first year of high school. Both my Parents were there, though my Father did all the talking, a rare event in and of itself. He gave brief a generalized talk about our Clan, it's history, and how progressive the world is now, and how quickly things changes compared to the times from way back when, so on and so forth.

Then he gave the speech that I think every Father should give to their son. He told me that both he and my Mother love me with all their heart, that no matter what happens they'll always love me. Whether I believe in God or not, whether I want to love boys, just girls or both. If one day I decided that I didn't want to be a boy anymore, or that I never felt like I was a boy, and instead felt I was girl. Even if I wanted to leave our homeland, turn my back on my family, and on my heritage. No matter what, they would never stop loving me.

It was at the moment that my father reached out with his right hand to hold my left hand, his eyes welling up with tears. It was the first time I'd ever seen my Father cry, a hard working many my Father, like the old castle rock, he's the foundation that supports are family through think and thin. My Mother, who had sat their in silence, was already overcome with tears, I hadn't noticed until she'd slowly reached out for my right hand with both of her own, smiling through her tears, she held my hand tightly, they both did.

At that moment my own eyes game way to tears, and we sat there in the kitchen, around the table holding hands and crying in silence. It was after that day that I truly knew what love was. I'd heard the words all my life, and at times even given voice to them myself, but I never really knew, but after that day, I knew, and I wept great tears of joy.

I was going to tell you about the other phases, but it got a little emotional towards the end there, so I'm taking a bit of a break to cool my head, and wash my face.

Last edited by Idealist on 24 Dec 2015, 10:29 am, edited 2 times in total.

Struggles with family seem to be part and parcel of having Autism/Asperger's.

It almost always seems that way with NT's as well.

Families are just....a struggle.

But I'm glad Idealist has had good experiences with his family....and everybody else who's had good experiences with their families.

It's worth mentioning that NTs may have their issues with family get-togethers, too.

Like if the uncle is a pedophile, and several people are drunks, liars, and sociopaths - or simply boring.

But getting back to us autistic folks ... When my father was very elderly, and a long distance away, I felt obliged to visit him every couple of years, and that always provoked a big family do. Now that he's gone (and my mother passed three decades ago), I feel no obligation to spend that money on plane tickets; but I rather miss the relatives on that side, not enough to buy plane tickets though.

My sister's family has an immense amount of dysfunction that has carried down to the next two generations, and so not only is it a big expense on plane tickets, but I'd have to really steel myself for it. I feel badly because I'd like to be in touch, but nothing can really right the wrongs and you always feel as if you are forced to choose sides.

I tend to get this way a lot too. It's not that I dislike my family gatherings per-se, but usually they consist of a lot of very loud people and it gets very overwhelming very fast. I consider myself lucky, because even before I was diagnosed with NLD, I would scoot off elsewhere into a quiet spot by myself when things got to be too much -- which actually happens all the time in these situations -- and stay there for the majority of the occasion; so my family is generally understanding of me doing this and don't really question the behaviour so much by now.

Ha! Try having a family get together when your father, your brother and yourself are all aspies. I'm the only one that withdraws. I'm just so tired of being run over by my brother and father with stuff. I'm the one that goes into solitude mode. And they won't even admit their behaviour. They just take over, "My way, my way!!" or "everybody else is nuts and I'm just fine" type of attitude from them. My brother is not as bad but my father is really losing it.

There are two patterns of “socialization” I am OK at:

Pattern #1: When I am able to observe a conversation (between others) and occasionally add a comment, thought or opinion when I have something to say. Where the other people (involved in the conversation) are responsible for “carrying” the conversation and are not counting on me to say something to carry the discussion.

Pattern #2: When I am able to “discover” a topic of mutual interest that can be discussed at detail (particularly, without having the “topic switched”, which I am not really good at). As an example, the other day I was with family members and we had a good discussion about the latest Star Wars movie (which I had just recently seen). I was obsessed with Star Wars when I was younger (the original movie debuted when I was 14). And, the latest Star Wars movie rekindled my interest. We discussed the Star Wars movie several times (e.g. at lunch, at dinner), which was quite satisfying.

These patterns don’t seem to change from person to person or group to group. Given that, I would say it’s easier to socialize with members of the family, as there are often multiple topics of mutual interest to discuss (e.g. how are the kids doing?, how is my mom doing?, etc.).

Rocket, the two patterns and observations about family you describe closely matches my own experience.