The difference between genuine social skills and faking NT

Post Reply New Topic

I think there IS a difference. For me "faking it" is when I mimic other people and try to blend in so they don't notice anything too obviously strange or different about me. You could say that is a social skill in and of itself, but it is a limited skill.

Using real social skills is much more than just mimicking other people, or having good manners, or following a script, or learning what to do and what not to do in a particular situation. It is more dynamic. It means you can use a lot of different communication skills in a cohesive way. And it means being able to handle the unexpected and make adjustments as you go along.

From what I understand, NTs learn social skills instinctively. They don't have to put a lot of thought into it, they just do it naturally. That doesn't mean that they all develop perfect social skills - far from it. They can still be oblivious to themselves, or rude, or shy, or have difficulty empathizing with people who are different. They are very likely to have trouble relating to people who have cultural differences.

But being NT means whatever skills they have, they are able to use in a natural, instinctive way without having to think much about what they are doing...AND they have a consistent ability to use those skills. They may freeze up a bit at times when they are stressed or nervous, but they don't totally shut down over random things.

The difference for those of us who are not NT, is we have to learn those skills deliberately and put more thought and concentration into how we use them. And because of that, in the long run, many of us may actually end up having BETTER social skills than NTs in some aspects.

But I have noticed that although I may have a particular social skill, or life skill, or talent or any other kind of ability, I am not always able to USE that ability. Sometimes I am just not able to do something, even when I know how and I have done it before. That is what it means to be disabled. Disability doesn't necessarily mean you have a lack of skills, it can also mean you are unable to freely use the skills you do have.

"Faking NT" means I am trying to disguise my difficulties and disabilities.

And "faking NT" has nothing at all to do with "being fake."

@Jermaine Thank you for posting that link. It's a very helpful way to describe what we are after.

@ResilientBrilliance It's a weak metaphor, I'll concede that. I forget that there are people in the world who place value judgements on body modification. I think the link by Jermaine and Adamantium got to the heart of my point with out cluttering it with poor language use.

I don't if it makes a difference as to when a person found out they were Autistic, but in some ways it seems like to me that it does.

I went for the majority of my life knowing I was different, but not knowing the how or why. In order to fit in, in order to find a job, in order to survive I had to do all the things that were, quote unquote expected of me. I learned how to do those things, but while doing them it felt like they were not my way, it always felt as if I were fighting myself in doing them, in simple it always felt to me as if I were going around with my shoes on the wrong feet, my shirt was three sizes too small and I was always ten minutes too late. But I never had any choice. The bills would be coming due, I had to buy gas to put in the car to be able to get to work to earn money to pay for the gas to put in the car to get to work to pay for the rent and the groceries and everything needed to survive. I never felt I was faking it to fit in, I was doing what I had to do to survive but the doing of it always felt fake as I went about it. I always felt that someone somewhere would discover what a fake I was and then it would hit the fan and there would go the job and then how to pay for all the things needed? So to me, faking it never had a right or wrong component to it, when it is a matter of surviving there is no right or wrong. You do what you have to do in order to survive.

Earlier on the only answers I could find to how I felt about myself was that it had to be some sort of mental health issue. I never thought about possibly being autistic, the only image I had of autistics were those people who were so locked up in them self they were unable to cope at all in the real world. So I had to be crazy. The only possible answer. And crazy people got locked up. I did not want to be locked up.

So now I know about the spectrum, about Asperger's and suddenly a lot of things make sense that never did before. But all that time having to learn how to make myself fit in now works for me. I am an odd duck, I am different, but the people I know and who somewhat know me, I can get along with all right. I have developed a repertoire of phrases I can use when needed, I can make small talk even if it drives me a little crazy inside, I can respond in ways that most people find acceptable. It still seems fake to me, inside, but now I simply see it as camouflage. It is simply a matter of blending in, of giving people what they expect in order that I can go on about my business and do what I want the way I want to do it. It is a matter of conning the con artist.

The so-called normals have developed all these things that most times they never seem to really see or realize in order to go about getting what they want, to act in "civilized" ways in order to keep the wheels of society moving along, to reduce conflicts and open fighting and so on that they mostly never think about. They never notice that there is an infiltrator in among them, who is only pretending to be like them. They are happy in their ignorance and I am happy in that I can now go ahead and be myself whenever I am not around them. I am not bucking the system, I am using it to get what I want. They are happy because I don't stand out and they can think they are right and doing things the "right" way. It doesn't change me, I don't change them. And more or less we all get what we what.

So, to me it is simply a matter of acquiring the camouflage needed to be able to go on about doing what I want to do.