Hate getting a haircut - how to make it less traumatic?

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I hadn't planned on being externally anxious. Hadn't planned on being internally anxious, either, until I was told I was probably going to fail and how bad of an experience this was going to be repeatedly, which I admit made me quite nervous. But I figured I'd try to not change his routine too much from normal. It'll just be the two of us, we'll go play at the park a little, and I'll try to make this as normal feeling of a thing as possible.

Do you guys think it would be good if we got to the hairdresser's house ahead of time and just let him play with her dog (she has a HUGE sweet dog) and watch some TV and just get comfortable with the environment first.

But, yes, I'll tell him (using the phrasing Ashariel suggested, thanks so much!). I'll tell him I know haircuts hurt and are bad, so we'll be getting a trim instead (the experience I'm describing and the experience of the past are so different that different words are probably applicable) and it's still probably not going to be fun, but it will be better than a haircut (because, seriously, in what world could this not be a better experience?) and they won't use the big loud clippers.

My fear is that as soon as I say the word haircut, he will start getting stressed and stimming (that's right, one of his verbal stims is no haircut because it is just that traumatic of an experience for him) and not capable of listening to me tell him this will be a trim and different. Should I just not use the word at all? Or would that feel disingenuous, because even though this will be very different from his haircuts of the past, hair will still be cut.

I feel I should add here, guys, his parents aren't bad, they're doing this because they're trying to be good even though it's a painful experience for them, too (the mom and dad tell me they both cry every time they take him). Social norms are just weird, and they are a very socially normal family.

I didn't realize it was socially normal to repeatedly traumatize your child for no apparent reason. NTs are weird sometimes.

If it upsets the kid and upsets the parents why bother doing it? It's not like it's something that is important for his health. Maybe when he gets older he'll be more willing. Eventually he will be too big to hold him down and force him.

That is a very valid point. My folks only took me to the barber once as far as I remember.
And they would not bother with clipping my hair if it upset me too much.
Would probably pull it into a pony tail after it got to a certain length and give a single snip.
If this was a girl, instead of a boy, this would not even be an issue. Why must boys have
short hair? I like mine short, but it's not a requirement with my folks.

Probably but maybe not. I had a friend in grade school whose parents made her get short haircuts. I think it was because of head lice but I had long hair and I never got head lice.

I agree guys, social (and gender, I think it's a combo here) norms are weird and the desire to fit them even when it causes pain (and remember, I said the parents are in pain, too) is hard to understand, but something people do all the time.

The short haircut thing isn't just a boy thing. My sister had one, too. She hated the short haircut, but hated having her curly hair combed even more. Now that she's older and in charge of her own hair, though, she keeps it long because a, she likes it that way, and b, people were such jerks to her about her short hair and teased her and called her a boy.

More importantly, though, because I only have a few more hours before I go get him...

Would someone mind helping me with this? I'm torn between a fear he might feel I misled him and a fear that he's going to get himself so worked up that the haircut is destined to go badly no matter what.

Gah. You guys are right, I'm stressing way too much about this. It's just going to be an errand we're running and that's how I'm going to think about it and treat it. Hopefully that will help.

I just had another idea - could be a good one or terrible. How about letting him hold the clippers? Maybe get a cheap pair of clippers, take the blade off or put the protective guard on, and let him hold them. You can show him how to turn them on and off, and let him get used to the vibration. This doesn't need to happen on haircut day, maybe a few minutes a day here and there before the big day arrives. And encourage him to do it, but don't force him. If he still freaks out after a few days of trying, then maybe you have your answer about why haircuts are so scary - he doesn't like the clippers. If he's okay with holding them, then maybe when he goes to get his haircut, he can hold his own clippers at the same time, or then on the clippers for the stylist and feel a little bit more in control of the situation. Just a thought!

If it's just being scared of the clippers then cutting only using scissors may be something he can tolerate.

When I was a kid buzzing noises scared me. I wouldn't even play operation with the batteries in because of this.

I know it's not your call since you are not his parent. But I think the haircuts should STOP. He is traumatized by it and there is no earthly need to cut his hair. He is not going to die or starve or suffer in any way because of a lack of a haircut. He IS however going to continue having trouble trusting people who force him to get his hair cut when he doesn't want it.

pddtwinmom, the clippers idea was a good one, but unfortunately haircut day is today (again, not my control), so no time to prepare like that as much as I'd love to. Instead, we'll be using scissors instead of clippers. And you guys who say haircuts should stop, I completely understand. And maybe I'll advocate with the parents more about that if this doesn't work. But they are the parents and I don't think they like it when I, their employee (more social norms), try to convince them of things.

SUCCESS!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

You guys have NO idea how happy I am. Okay, so maybe you have an idea, and maybe now that I'm finally off work I'm more exhausted than anything, but at the time I was just RIDICULOUSLY happy.

It took two hours, and a whole lot of patience and kindness on the hair dresser's part (and mine, but that's expected), creativity, and a LOT of bribery. But we did it. It took two whole hours, but at no point was he restrained or forced.

If anyone else is having problems, this is how we did it.

1. Patience
As I said, it took two whole hours. And we weren't pressing him, we didn't set a time limit, nor did we try to push to get it done quickly. When he needed breaks, we gave him breaks.

2. Kindness
The hairdresser sat down with him and watched him play iPad and talked him through his game (which he LOVED). She moved very slowly towards the haircut, never devalued his feelings, and was incredibly compassionate.

3. Creativity
We tried everything we could think of. One of the things that helped breaking down the barrier for him was giving me a 'hair trim.' (At no point did we call it a cut, since that's associated with such traumatic feelings for him, and what we were doing was very different from what he's used to so I felt the new word applied.) That's right, the hairdresser cut a little of my hair and he helped! She got him to comb my hair and tell her if she was cutting the right place. (I ended up getting layers out of the experience, lol.) This showed him I thought the hair trim was fun and it didn't hurt. Then she progressed to getting him to comb his own hair (which we got him to do by giving him Skittles, see the bribery section), and then she convinced him when she combed his hair that she'd actually cut it. Realizing that the "cut" didn't hurt and wasn't bad, he let her actually cut his hair (again, we also used bribes to achieve this).

When it can time to use buzzers near the end, we felt him out to see if he was okay with it, and let him put the buzzer on first the hairdresser's hand and then his own to show him it was safe. Eventually, with more bribery, he acquiesced to have it put on his head.

4. Bribery
I am not ashamed to admit, we bribed that little boy so much! We had a Skittle payment system. For every snip that was taken, he got at least two Skittles. Around the ears and the neck he got three (or as many as it took, near the end). This style of haircut has now been dubbed a "Skittletrim" and is what he'll be getting from now on instead of haircuts. He had also been promised the whole time that if he got the trim we'd take him to see The Lego Movie AND give him a Lego cup from McDonald's.

Is this the ideal situation for a haircut? Of course not! But it is infinitely preferable to the alternative, and I'm hoping/thinking that haircuts (AKA Skittletrims) from here on out will be much less traumatic now that he knows this isn't a terrible thing, or at least not nearly so bad as it was, and that he has control over the situation and nothing will be forced on him.

All in all, it was an incredibly productive day. Exhausting, but awesome. Thanks SO MUCH to all of you guys for all the advice and support!

Well done!

That is awesome news – I'm so glad it went well! You are such a great Big Sis to do that for him!

Hmmm...well, I haven't read all the responses, but I do have a couple ideas.

When I was little, my mom would take me to this hair stylist who really liked kids and knew how to make haircuts fun - or at the very least, tolerable. In one of her drawers, she had a bunch of the little plastic "California Raisins" toys (you know, the ones they used to give out at Hardee's in the 80s and 90s) and would give them to me to play with while she cut my hair. The California Raisins did such a good job of distracting me, that I was often disappointed when the haircut was finished, but the stylist always promised me that I could play with the Raisins when I came back for a haircut next time. Does the little boy you look after have a favorite toy or two that would keep him occupied while his hair was cut? (Preferably a plastic one, a plushie might get hair clippings all over it and need to be washed)

Also, their used to be these haircut places especially for kids (I think they used to be called "Cookie Cutters") where there was actually a small indoor play structure, some toys for sale, and cool-looking seats in the shape of cars and rockets, and you could even choose a movie to watch while they worked on your hair! At the end of your haircut, they also gave you a balloon and a sucker. My half-sisters and I loved going there, but idk if places like that are still around anymore. Might be worth looking into, though.

In addition, there's this cute little book I saw for sale at an autism conference hosted by Temple Grandin that I attended with my dad last summer that might be helpful: linky

If all else fails, I'd agree with what some others have said and see if you can't maybe cut his hair yourselves in the comfort of his own home. At first I wanted to suggest maybe find a hair stylist who could come to your house, and then decided not to - if your little guy is as traumatized by anything to do with hair cutting as you say he is, he might regard the hair-cutter as an intruder violating his "safe" area, his sanctuary.

Good luck! Hope some of this helps.

LtlPinkCoupe, thanks so much for the ideas! He actually had his hair cut tonight and it went well, although it was a very drawn out process. Ashariel, thanks! Although I can't take the credit for being his big sis. Since he doesn't have one, I guess I'm the closest he has to one, but the truth is my actual little sis (who isn't so little anymore) is autistic which is how I got into caring for kids on the spectrum and became this little boy's nanny.