Why don't we all just pretend to have 'empathy'???

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You fake affective empathy. You know what the person is feeling but you don't care.

So if we don't read every single post in this, we lack empathy? So NTs read every post in every discussion thread if they want to add a reply? Sounds confusing to me, unless I'm mistaken.

These empathy threads are always ending up in debates, because everyone seems to have a different theory of what it actually is. I've been told so many things about empathy. Some of the things I have been told are:-

''Knowing what to do and how to comfort somebody without feeling awkward when they are crying is empathy, if you feel unsure or awkward when somebody is crying, you lack empathy, even if you can feel how they're feeling''

''Empathy is being able to feel what the other person is feeling, it does not mean understanding, so if you understand their feelings but can't feel the same emotion they are feeling, you lack empathy''

''Empathy means when you cry at sad situations like at a funeral''

''Most people can usually feel empathy if they have shared the same experiences as the other person, otherwise they can't imagine how the other person feels at all'' (And then when I say ''a lot of empathy goes on on WP among Aspies''): ''That's only because most of have shared similar experiences'', which tells me that there is a hidden meaning there what is ''NTs can feel empathy even if they haven't shared the other person's experiences''

I hate all this talk about empathy. I find there are too many contradictions, and I have never actually found a fixed meaning of it. And don't try to trick our minds by saying stupid stuff like ''if you don't understand a lot about empathy, it means you lack empathy''. Maybe some of us need to be educated, including me, about what empathy actually is, and I do not choose to educate myself on what empathy means by searching for it on Autism-related sites because I just get a different theory each time.

I can be very empathetic, I don't have to fake it. I can be very sympathetic as well.

Here's a more lucid explanation, based on what I read in linked sites.

Empathy is a SHARED FEELING or feeling yourself what another person is feeling. It can be good or bad. You can empathize when someone tells you they lost a job or had a loved one carried off in an ambulance. You can empathize when someone won a small lottery (like $10,000) or just returned from a great vacation. Whether or not you had those experiences yourself, you "just know" how someone would feel in those situation, can imagine yourself in those situations, and feel a corresponding emotion (albeit to a weaker degree). I, for example, can empathize how frightening it feels to be robbed in the street. It's common knowledge how it feels to have a gun pointed at you. I cannot empathize with a bank robbery; it's just a cruel, soulless institution to me; I only feel bad because the robbery money will go toward drugs. But I can empathize with the tellers that were targeted in the bank robbery. Empathy can also be used for evil purposes. Bullies, for example, know exactly how their actions make their victims feel, so they pick their methods strategically to inflict the most emotional pain.

Sympathy is a TARGETED SORROW or feeling sad toward someone in a misfortune. It doesn't matter of you had the same experiences before. It's almost always about sadness. For example, a colleague you rarely see tells you a member of their family passed away. You barely know him/her, but you know how sad it is to lose a loved one. Because you're a good person, you try to give some words of comfort, perhaps even ask some "caring" questions, like "how old were they?". Maybe you even briefly think about the same relative in your family, if they're still around. At the same time, once the conversation ends, you go on about your day, in the same mood as you were before running into that colleague. You didn't know the person well, so their loss really doesn't cause you much pain. Sympathy is impossible to use for evil purposes. After all, just how can feeling sorry for someone's loss be bad?

I don't have to pretend I have empathy, I HAVE empathy

Hehe, yes, exactly. I might suck at reading emotions and figuring out people's motivations. I might have very little clue about "appropriate behavior" and social conventions. I might not automatically copy the emotions of the people around me. But if somebody is hurting and I know about it, I have the same strong desire to fix the problem that any other compassionate human being has.

As I mentioned I do have empathy, it depends on the person and situation, but I was thinking ....

considering how many of us have been bullied, and some had it worse than others ... how much empathy do you think NTs really have?

They have plenty. But remember: Empathy can also be used for evil purposes. (I already mentioned this in my earlier post.) Bullies know very well how their actions make their victims feel. So they pick their methods strategically to inflict the most emotional pain. They may be using it to hurt people, but it's empathy just the same. Sad but true. What bullies lack is a conscience, which many NTs confuse with empathy.

hmmm maybe you're right, maybe I should have used the words "sympathy" and "compassion".

I would say it varies per person, and I would further posit that most bullies are not exactly 'mentally healthy' themselves.

I agree with both statements.

I don't know. personally, I am very empathetic. I find a doll on the side of the road makes me wonder about the kid who lost it, and what it would be like to be that doll, and what it would have seen.

The funny thing is, if I were actually to meet that kid I would probably get all awkward and say something to make them run away by accident.

Maybe it's just me, or maybe there's someone else out there like this too. I feel everything just fine. It's just connecting my feelings to how I behave that I think is where I'm atypical.

Yes! This is what so many misunderstand (even psychologists often do). I can feel empathy/sympathy, depending on the situations, and people, but the problem is to express my feelings and empathy/sympathy.

The bullies have very little compassion--but not all NTs are like that. In fact, only a few are, and they give the rest a bad reputation. Please don't stereotype NTs as bullies; that's just turning prejudice back against them.

You misunderstood the meaning of my comment, I didn't stereotype NTs as bullies, its usually only a few that are bullies. What I meant is that maybe they don't feel as much empathy as we may think. But as someone pointed out what they lack is a conscience (the bullies, not all NTs), not empathy. I often use the words empathy and sympathy as if they meant about the same thing, but they don't, as he pointed out bullies do have empathy, which is the ability to understand how another person feel, what they lack is sympathy.

This said tho, one of my best friends was a NT and most the time we would hang out just the two of us and go fishing, biking, etc, but I remember one time we were with 3 or 4 other girls (we were 14 or 15, we were at a restaurant, and were supposed to go somewhere with them, I think to see a movie), and while at the restaurant we were talking (well mainly they were talking and I would say something once in a while lol) and at some point I noticed they seemed to think something was funny but I had no idea what it was, and my friend got pretty upset and said something like "cut it out" and I realised they were actually laughing at me (and they did "cut it out"). I am certainly not saying all NTs are bullies, as I said one of my best friends was very NT, but sometimes as a group they tend to stick together and make fun of the ones who are different, and only the courageous ones will stand up against them. Its not as bad as the ones who are "real" bullies and will pick on you at school, or threaten you, or even sometimes attack you physically, but it is still pretty hurtful.

For me, I think its harder to pretend that I have empathy because I don't think I really understand what empathy is. I know what it is logically. I don't know what it is emotionally. God I sound crazy when i try to explain what happens in my brain.

For me, its easier to express empathy for the people I care for or simplier emotions such as for animals. I rarely feel empathy for a stranger or someone I barely know. Which can lead to some poor conversations.

Such as I just met this group of people and they all knew each other. So when

Person 1 said, "I found out my step mother just died,"

Everyone around her begins to tell her Sorry and that They Are there for you. While I sit in silence hoping to go invisible because I cannot feel empathy for her. I cannot tell her sorry or I am there for her or that I feel her pain, if I do not know her or feel for her. I know logically I am suppose to, but emotionally I can't. I just can't pretend.