My Son's Behavior is Infuriating, and Embarrasing

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That all makes sense and I imagine taking care of any child can be difficult, but also was he screaming like a lot moreso than other very young children? I mean some people are just intolerant of noisy small children in general and might give someone a look if their kid is being that....but its possible to be more hypervigalent of those things if you're already worried about being embarrassed so even if what he is doing is not really any more disruptive than a normal 3 year old it might feel like everyones eyes are on him and you.

But yeah saying to get therapy is easy, but it can be hard to find a good therapist or one that has experience working with your specific issues/life situation....lots of quacks and what not and then different kinds of therapy some work for some people but don't work for others....so easier said than done, but its good if you're looking into it effort like that can go a long way.

I don't expect him to act normal. And I am trying to accept the autism. And I am proud of how he tries. I have a longer way to go.

But I need to understand something. Are you saying that I need to be proud of stimming behaviors? Proud that he's turning the light on and off? Proud that he's standing on the table and swinging the light? Or opening and closing the door?

Well all of his teachers and therapists have told us he's smart. Of course, we are grateful for the good things he has.

No one was giving us dirty looks, but some heads did turn. Maybe more in my head than others. I think he was squealing more than other kids, even those a year young. And I think you nailed what was going on...what you wrote. Dead on right. I met a pastor who's son has Asperger's...my son has ASD. I'm not of that faith, but that is more along what I wanted, or event to talk to other parents. And talking with you people here has really helped me out. I am grateful to every single one of you who responded to me. THANK YOU!! !

I don't think the therapists are "just saying that." My son is very smart. He did show some characteristics of AS when he was young, but sort of "grew out" of them, so we never got him tested (but might now with certain things we've noticed now that he's a teen.)

Anyways, he is *very* smart, and AS or no AS, it is difficult to raise a smart kid because they have an insatiable appetite for things to do, see, explore. Kids that get bored get into trouble. That's how it is. Kids that are bored will find *something* to do, and it is usually unproductive, obnoxious, and perhaps even destructive or dangerous.

I don't want to diminish the fact that your son has these annoying characteristics, but I am just wondering if they might be lessened to a certain degree by feeding his mind more. And I mean *MORE*. When my son was young, it was like he could "digest" a whole activity in five minutes, and then we had to find something else to do. It was exhausting trying to keep up with his mind and want for information. Think about how much a teenage boy eats and then translate that into mental activity, and that's what it was like.

If your son is this smart, capitalize on it. It sounds like that's what he has going for him most. So, help him to strengthen his strengths and don't just work on lessening his weaknesses.

I imagine that he already has special interests? If they aren't negative, encourage them.

Please do not try to take away his stims.

He could be shrieking with excitement at being in the pool or he could like the echoey sound his squeals make at the pool. Is there anywhere you could take him that's like a little tunnel or subway or somewhere that's quiet? You could have lots of fun together doing echoes there.
Also do they do any specialist sessions at the pool for kids with special needs - you will get less glares then. Or you could try going at different times when it's less busy.
You will probably develop a thicker skin about people staring and making comments though. He isn't actually doing any harm so others should be embarrassed if they are staring etc.
Pinching etc is something that a lot of kids go through at the age of 3. Try and show him what amount of pressure is ok so you could teach harder and softer doing high 5's or something.

I would go for a compromise with the light switch. If he likes the clicking get him a switch from a hardware shop. If it's the light and dark get some torches and a blackout tent?

Kids squealing at the pool is perfectly normal. In fact, everything he's doing sounds normal for a smart, happy autistic three-year-old. Most of us here were much more severe than he sounds, at that age. You do realize he's two years ahead in reading, and only low-average in speech, right?

Besides, you want him to be happy. Being the perfectly normal little kid is probably not going to make him happy. He needs to learn things, explore things, be a kid. That vacuum, okay, yeah, maybe you need to use it and you don't want him constantly playing with it, but there have to be other things that he'd also like to play with. Don't go for toddler toys; he's probably beyond that. If he's taking apart vacuum cleaners, he probably wants building toys--Legos, blocks, tinker toys, puzzles. If he's confused by the newness, try playing with them yourself and letting him observe, so he can see what can be done with the toys.

Your son's got strengths and weaknesses. It's the strengths that will allow him to get through school, get a job, and contribute to his community. Nurture those strengths.

I'm guessing that maybe a bigger part of your problem isn't your son at all; it's that you're stressed for some reason--trouble at work? Not getting enough down time? Maybe even some physical or mental issues you need to deal with? All of those can mean you are working too hard, doing too much, and getting easily annoyed and overloaded. Overload doesn't just happen to autistic people, but we know more about it than most because it happens to us so easily, and you sound like you're stressed out, maybe from doing all that running around and constantly poking and prodding your boy with various things that are supposed to help his autism. When was the last time you just had fun with him? I think, if a parent can't run around with a squealing three-year-old, having a bit of fun themselves, then they're not enjoying being a parent.

Very good points!

I couldn't remember my son shrieking at that age, but I just remembered that he "hooted" all the time. Yes, it is much more fun to do things like that in echoey places!

OP, really try to to see things from your son's perspective. Try to imagine "Why would this be SO FUN? Why would this be SO FASCINATING? Why would this be SO SOOTHING?"

Yes. Why not?
It makes as much sense as being proud that he is handsome and smart.
It's part of who he is, the whole package.
As long as he doesn't hurt himself standing on the table swinging the light.
He's exploring his environment in his own way, just like all children. He just thinks a bit differently.

CLMANSF, I can tell you from experience that what you are feeling about your son is NORMAL. Your son doesn't act like other kids, heck, he doesn't act like YOUR OWN other kids -- and you have to adapt to the way he is. You know that. It's just hard! I just said goodbye to my ASD child yesterday -- he just started college -- and there were some things I never got used to, exactly, because I'm HUMAN. You are too. Don't beat yourself up over this, because this is NOT EASY.

I got tired of being embarrassed by my son, and I don't think he did the types of things that your son does. I knew I was wrong to be embarrassed, and I tried really hard to not be embarrassed. But sometimes you can't help it, because your child does stuff that other kids don't do. On the flip side, in a positive way, YOUR CHILD DOES STUFF THAT OTHER KIDS DON'T DO. My child was wicked smart in some situations. My child was very creative and fun in some ways. My child was so beautiful, I loved just looking at him sometimes. My child was SO VERY PLEASANT to be around, as long as it was just him and myself. Once you threw other people into the mix, things got complicated.

I do feel for my son. I do try to understand where he's coming from, and his struggles. He's come a long way, and I think he'll probably be just fine in life. I don't think a lot of people are going to understand him, but if a few people do, and give him a break, and are his friend, I'll be happy with that. He's so much happier with a small, happy life than other people are with all of their things, and friends, and status... we should all be more like my son. But, we aren't.

He used to squeal a little. Funny thing is, now it's MY SON who hates little kids squealing and making noise. How's THAT for ironic? Hopefully he'll adapt to that as well. But just having a kid on the spectrum requires HUGE amounts of adaptation -- because almost nothing is the same as raising your other kids. To this day, I still feel like I was a crappy mother -- seriously, as we are dropping him off at college, I am thinking to myself "Oh, crap! I forgot to teach him this..." or "Oh, crap!! I forgot to show him how to to respond to that!" Oh well, he'll learn the hard way, I guess.

Both of our boys will be fine. Honest. They just aren't going to have the life that WE pictured for them. And it's not our fault that we feel discombobulated by that! So give yourself a break, and do the best you can. That's all you can do.

The poster immediately above mine is very wise.

"I want no" makes sense. He might just say "no" when he is older but the fact that he says "I want no" is not something I would be too concerned about right now. It's actually cute. And as far as him not saying "watch me" in the pool, he is most likely not even thinking about you watching him. He sounds like he is having way too much fun in the water and is just enjoying that. And if it's any consolation to you I still squeal when I ski and I am in my forties. I don't know if others are embarrassed by my squealing but I am just enjoying myself so much that it just comes out and I don't even realize I am am squealing until I hear myself. I also squeal sometimes when I get my kayak to do a fancy move or when I go over some challenging terrain on my mountain bike or BMX bike. But he probably so wrapped up in his enjoyment that he forgets you are even there.

As far as his stimming, maybe you can get another vacuum cleaner on Cragslist or something that can be his to play with. You can clean and disinfect it and just let it be his toy. If he is assembling and disassembling vacuums at three that is amazing and you can probably find projects like that for him to play with. Maybe model planes and cars would be good too.

As far as the stimming, get him his own trash can that he can stim with. Stimming is really important and should not be stopped. Like another poster said, you can try to redirect the stimming but do not try to stop it. If you can afford an Autism tent that might be good too. I had seen a brilliant tent with sensory stuff in it. I will see if I can find it again for you.

Every child does things that embarrasses their parents. Autistic or not. You most likely did some things that embarrassed your parents too. That's just part of being a child and growing up. And it's normal for a parent to feel embarrassed or resentful sometimes. But if you dwell on it, it's not going to help anything. It's only going to make you feel bad, and make your son feel bad. Look inside yourself and find out what is at the root of that feeling and let it go.

If he can't take off those toddler things yet that go on knobs, get those and put them on every door in the house and keep the doors shut. Take out the light bulbs and use lamps only or have him do it in his own room, buy him his own vacuum to take apart and put together again, you can find them at Goodwill or second hand and lock your other one away, unplug the TV set or put stuff over the buttons like cardboard so he can't mess with them and hide the remote, how about removing the hanging light and put up a different light fixture instead that doesn't hang?