GibbieGal's comments also echo a lot of what I feel, as I do relate to that "I'm just a bit odd but one day I'm going to be normal if just keep trying" -- and now that door is shut. But I had that feeling in the "before" part of my life, and when I discovered the traits fit me, then I think I went through a lot of the most painful "work" of coming to terms with the fact that if this is what I have/what I am, then that "one day I'll manage to be normal" hope was already gone anyway.
Some people's struggle with accepting the diagnosis starts after the diagnosis, while I think when I had my "aha" moment seven years ago, I already started my struggle with acceptance of even just the possibility. I already felt that door slamming closed because I just kind of "knew" I'd stumbled onto the truth about myself.
Like someone else on the thread, I had suspected for about seven years, and now that I have the diagnosis (also with that weird "I can't believe I was right!!" reaction, lol!) I think the worst of the coming to terms is already behind me, as I'd been already mourning my loss of hope of being "normal one day." That seems like jumping the gun (because I was already doing it while still undiagnosed) but I was so sure I'd discovered the reason.
Now that it is confirmed, I kind of just feel relieved, because of already feeling all the horrible things before this. Relieved that I was right -- there is that -- but also relieved that I can just get on with the task of saying "Okay then, that's that, you never were going to be normal, well now all that's left it what can I do to address all the things in my life that were never going to be something I handle well anyway."
For me it's about now being able to take seriously my "deficits" and find a way to work around them instead of get upset by them. I'm not saying I'm all optimism -- hell no. Nothing's changed regarding how messed up life still feels for me because of my issues. But there's something in me right now that has kind of gone "whew". Just knowing WHY I am the way I am. It's not even that I just blindly accept all the issues -- what I "accept" is that this is my reality and not just my imagination or my failing. I think that's what getting the diagnosis has done for me.
GibbieGal wrote:
I experienced mixed reactions when I was diagnosed. Part of it was the "Aha! I can't believe I was actually RIGHT about this! I have my 'Alien ID' card now! This explains everything - I'm not bad or immature, just different," that others have mentioned. But it was also very difficult emotionally, and I became more withdrawn for months. I had always thought I was going to get better and be normal someday if I did all the right things and kept trying, and instead, I found out that the "exit" door was welded shut.
Getting a diagnosis as an adult was important to me because, whether that's REALLY what I have or not, it gives me a way of explaining and helping myself that I never had before. Also, it takes away a lot of the sense of shame and isolation, and gives me a little courage to go on; I'm like this because this is just what I'm like and I can learn to live around it, joyfully even, whereas I used to think that there was something unexplainably wrong with me and I was just a bad person who wasn't worth being friends with.
03 Oct 2014, 2:37 pm
