to aspies: is your mother narcissistic?

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freestyle
Tufted Titmouse

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16 Oct 2014, 4:24 pm

I cut my mother out of my life 18 months ago and was diagnosed with high functioning autism/aspergers (as far as I can tell = same thing) 1 year ago. I have just come to see my mother has narcissistic pd and undiagnosed autism. She scapegoated me until I cut her out of my life. It took me having my own daughter (now three-and-a-half)to start to question my mother's behaviour. Having ASD is confusing enough without being brought up by a crazy mother who holds a lying mirror up to you. I sought my diagnosis after coming acrtoos a traits list of autism and girls. This was the first thing I have ever been typical of! I am very taken by David Attwood's theory that autism in girls (or female brains) leads to personality disorder. The psychiatrist who assessed me agreed with my self-diagnosis that I'd previosly had borderline PD, but overcome it. As for my mother and other people with NPD, I doubt she/they'll ever overcome their PDs because their PD is based around blaming everyone else for life's problems and believing they're perfect

Campin_Cat
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16 Oct 2014, 7:02 pm

Well, from what I know about narcissism, there's 2 definitions:

1. People who think they're fabulous.

2. People who think they can save the world.

My mother was NEITHER of those----UNLESS one would label her "teaching" everybody as being narcissistic (as in no.2)---I would label her "Aspie", and clicked "No".

I have a sister who is narcissistic, as in no.1----but, I don't think narcissisism really exists in the sense that these people TRULY believe they are great. I was in a relationship (friendship) recently with someone who was EXTREMELY narcissistic----but, this "friend" and my sister----and any other narcissistic person I've ever met, are extremely INSECURE and have learned to ACT like they think they're wonderful!! This "friend" was so easily led (influenced), it was unbeLIEVAble!! She was PATHETIC!! ! I dropped her like a hot potato----cuz, like somebody already said, people like that prey on us cuz they think we're easily lied to / manipulated----I found-out I had waaaaaaaaaay more self-esteem than I was giving myself credit for, and I REFUSED to be yet another character in her "play" / drama!! !

dianthus
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03 Apr 2015, 4:27 pm

dianthus wrote:

My mother is not remotely narcissistic. She seems to be autistic (undiagnosed).

My dad on the other hand has some narcissistic tendencies. But I don't think he has full blown, pathological narcissism.

I was dead wrong about this. My mother has had me fooled about a lot of things.

dianthus
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03 Apr 2015, 5:28 pm

I think my mother is a covert narcissist

http://infoselfdevelopment.com/covert-n ... al-abuser/

Quote:

There are two types of extreme narcissists – overt and covert and some are easier to spot than others.

Overt narcissists are more common and much easier to spot, they externalise their arrogance, are outwardly demanding and display extreme character traits and their confrontational communication style does not go unnoticed!

Covert narcissists by contrast, are wolves in sheep’s clothing and are the most tricky and perhaps most dangerous sort so let’s focus on them. Covert narcissists are underhanded, deceptive and act behind the scenes. They pretend to be lovers, givers, altruistic, loyal and kind. These individuals are projecting to the outside world a calm and patient mirror but on the inside, they are as deeply selfish and narcissistic as overt narcissists.

Both overt and covert narcissists have grandiose fantasies, feel entitled and exploit and abuse people but the main difference between overt and covert narcissists is that unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists know that showing or displaying their true self will get in the way of achieving the power, recognition and the self centered success they crave.

They worry a lot about their lies being found out and are very vulnerable to stress but unlike overt narcissists, they don’t believe themselves, what they want others to believe about them. Covert narcissists don’t possess the confidence levels of overt narcissists and are prone to feeling guilty about thinking they could ever be something they know they can’t. They put up emotional barriers and try their best to suppress these feelings and not expose them to the outside world. They don’t feel guilty, however, about hurting others so in that sense they are the same as overt narcissists. They are still very competitive, conscious of their actions and calculated in their actions.

So how do you recognize a covert narcissist? The only sure fire way is to be close to that person from a personal angle, to have a personal relationship with them, because covert narcissists can’t hide forever from those who are personally involved with them but despite that it can take a long time before their cover is blown.

http://sparkster.hubpages.com/hub/The-Covert-Narcissist

Quote:

What Makes Covert Narcissism So Damaging?

In a typical case the only person who realizes that there is a problem is the person who is closest to the covert/stealth narcissist, who is usually unwillingly forced to suffer covert narcissistic abuse (very subtle emotional blackmail, mental abuse and psychological manipulation). Narcissists end up obscuring the truth and twisting literally every little detail back round onto the victim. They expertly mix the truth with a lie in order to distort the truth in their favour.

This abuse is so well hidden within the communication dynamics of the relationship that the victim often doesn't pick up on it and is left scratching their head wondering 'is it me?'

When a victim of this type of abuse eventually begins to develop awareness of the manipulation it gradually dawns on them that they have already been ostracized long before they anticipated and the people that they turn to for help have already been made to believe it's them who is the problem - they've already been turned against the victim. The victim has been ostracized.

The covert narcissist makes their victim feel like they are the one with the problem whilst projecting an innocent angel-like persona to everyone around them. They make their victim look bad and do their best to destroy their reputation in order to protect their deluded false sense of self and their distorted viewpoint of the world. Narcissists have no empathy and therefore have an invisible secret, an advantage over everyone around them.

The narcissist attains the trust, respect and belief of everyone around them and anyone close to their victim who they are likely to turn to for help. The victim feels like they are suffering alone, no-one around them can see what the deceitful, deceptive, manipulative and controlling covert narcissist is really up to.

Covert narcissists use very cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse, suggestive techniques and manipulative linguistic patterns to force their partner to question their own sanity; behaviors which people that know them would never ever dream of them of ever being capable of. They have everybody around them fooled by their pathological self whilst wearing down at the psyche and soul of their victim who, over time, becomes depressed, loses self-esteem and feels like their soul is being worn down until they eventually seemingly become devoid of emotion themselves - this then further backs up the narcissists claims that their victim is the one with the problem. If the victim of a narcissist does happen to discover the truth it will always be denied by most people around them and they often end up going into a state of cognitive dissonance.

will@rd
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03 Apr 2015, 5:34 pm

My folks are both very religious and devoted to family and community, but neither think they can save the world. They're as tediously normal as Hank and Peggy Hill.

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slave
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03 Apr 2015, 6:03 pm

ZombieBrideXD wrote:

Not narcissism but she has Borderline Personality Disorder

there is an inherent narcissism with those who have BPD

snootybooty
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03 Apr 2015, 6:09 pm

I have noticed a trend online for parents and relatives of autistic people to be very self centred and narcissistic. I think it is from getting sympathy from others over their autistic child. I am lucky my mother isn't like that.

Ettina
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03 Apr 2015, 6:23 pm

slave wrote:

ZombieBrideXD wrote:

Not narcissism but she has Borderline Personality Disorder

there is an inherent narcissism with those who have BPD

Not really. That's a common misconception, because BPD people seem selfish, but they actually tend to have extremely low self-esteem. (And readily acknowledge it.) Their 'selfish' behavior comes out of desperation, because they need the help of other people to regulate their emotions. The whole time they're thinking they're worthless and horrible and no one could possibly love them, but they need people too much to give up on finding love and care, even though they don't expect to get it. So when they find love, they're trying to hold on to it, meanwhile thinking it's a trick and the person doesn't really love them.

Although narcissists often have low implicit self-esteem, their explicit self-esteem is overly high, which is the opposite of what you usually see in BPD.

League_Girl
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03 Apr 2015, 10:35 pm

My mom only has a bad back and arthritis and treated cancer. But her oldest sister is a narcissistic and she has kids.

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felinesaresuperior
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04 Apr 2015, 4:11 am

my mother - and, by the way, my aspie father - are both overprotective, and not narcassistic at all. although we're all selfish in some way, and I consider the whole human race as somehow borderline narcassistic.

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abeautifulmind
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04 Apr 2015, 6:29 am

dianthus wrote:

My mother is not remotely narcissistic. She seems to be autistic (undiagnosed).

Same here. I doubt if most aspies have narcissist mothers.
However, I have found out by reading/researching that most Schizoids have narcissist mothers.

CharityGoodyGrace
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04 Apr 2015, 7:44 am

My mother scored higher for narcissism on a quiz than for any other personality disorder. She makes up good things about herself, perhaps without realizing she's doing it. When she does or says something bad, she "doesn't remember it". She's always talking about her imaginary medical problems. She always tried to control me so that she'd have something to brag about... her bringing-up of me in a certain way. And more.

dianthus
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04 Apr 2015, 12:42 pm

abeautifulmind wrote:

dianthus wrote:

My mother is not remotely narcissistic. She seems to be autistic (undiagnosed).

Same here. I doubt if most aspies have narcissist mothers.

Ok, but I've learned that I was wrong about my mother not being a narcissist. She's much more cunning and manipulative than I had guessed, and it's all in the name of her own self-interest. She had me fooled very well.

dossa
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04 Apr 2015, 1:19 pm

I am not sure about my mother and narcissism. She has several issues I do know of, one of them being she is an addict. Her dreadful behavior gets so mixed up in drugs and alcohol that I have no way to pull that apart to know one way or the other. She lies about using, lies about what she does/did while using, twists things back on others to justify how she was not in the wrong when she clearly was, so on and so forth. She also has this inflated sense of self and skewed view of reality and what the world owes her. In some ways yeah, she does behave like a narcissist, in other ways she behaves like several of the closet junkies I have encountered over the years.

My ex is a narcissist. He is one of the covert types. I did not know he had this going on with him until a few years ago, long after we divorced. I knew he was a jerk a little way into the relationship, but did not know he had a disorder or anything... just figured it was a$$hat NOS. Those types are good at fooling people for awhile. It's kinda scary, methinks.

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Campin_Cat
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04 Apr 2015, 4:11 pm

dianthus wrote:

Dianthus: I'm sooooo very sorry you're just now figuring this out----my heart truly aches for you----I know, from experience, it's a horrible, HORRIBLE feeling.....

Would you care to share how you found-out / figured it out? It's okay if you don't----I just thought it might help to get it off your chest.....

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dianthus
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05 Apr 2015, 1:52 am

Campin_Cat wrote:

dianthus wrote:

Thank you

I wrote in another thread about a fight we had. I won't go into all the details again but she physically attacked me. She clawed my face and neck and pulled out my earring. If I had been wearing a different kind of earring, she probably would have ripped off my earlobe. I saw nothing but rage and contempt for me in her eyes. It destroyed any image I had left of her as a good, well-meaning person who might actually care about me. That snapped me out of whatever spell she had me under.

This is only the tip of the iceberg, but I don't want to say too much more right now about how/what I found out.

Yes it's a horrible feeling...but at the same time, I feel like my head is clear for the first time in years. Really, maybe the first time in my life. It's like I was lost in a fog and finally found my way out.

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