Don't Wanna Grow Up Anymore

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I'm 21 and I wish all the people pressuring me to act like a proper adult would just go away.

I am the opposite. I am glad to be grown-up. Ya! Being a grown-up is boring, but it's a lot better then the hell I went through in school and dealing with the other kids tormenting me, that's for sure.

I'm having awful feelings since I'm turning 25 this year. I don't know why. Just looking back at the past and seeing how much better things were (at home at least, not at school) makes me wish I could just go back in time.

I was a lucky Aspie. I never copped a hard time at school and I just did whatever I wanted which was usually go sit in the library and look up Astronomy.

I don't know if I really grew up, mentally. I still like most of the same foods, hobbies, and TV shows I did when I was a kid. Many of my earliest fascinations (ceiling fans) are still with me. I act very calm and mature when I have to deal with others, but it's always a mask I'm putting on for our mutual benefit. I don't really feel like an adult at all and I'm not comfortable dealing with that world. I prefer to withdraw and be myself.

My life has been an odd reversal of the "growing up" roles.
As a child, I was "waiting" for the other kids to "get with it" mentally. I could not figure out why they made such a big deal about social things like boyfriend/girlfriend and other "junk" like that. I wanted to talk about the science things we were learning about in class, or my rock collection, or any number of other "far more interesting" topics. I would end up just walking away from the group and finding an adult who was more interested in what I liked. Yes, I was a teacher's pet. I could not wait for my body to catch up with my mind so I could explore the world without the limits of childhood!

As I grew up, I discovered humanity was the same as when I was a child. They were just children in grown-up bodies. They were still interested more in dating, politics, and sports than they were in science, technology, and rocks. I could not understand it at all!

I realized I was also the same person I was as a child... just in a slightly larger body. However, I was now the one my adult peers were waiting on to "grow up." I did not want to change though. I did not want to care about the things they liked or listen to them "ramble on" about social issues which meant nothing to me. So I turned my back on the adults and went about doing my work and just being me. I wore what felt good on my skin. And I was often mistaken as a kid up into my 30's. But if being an adult meant being like them, THEY COULD KEEP IT!

At that point in my life I finally was officially DX'd with ASD. I was 43. Suddenly everything made sense.

Now I accept that I just will never be "like them" ... It makes me feel sad a little. But I am also happy to just be ME.
Never the child. Never the adult. But always myself.