People who are always nice and unfailingly empathetic

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kraftiekortie
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03 Jan 2015, 8:59 am

Not all "nice" people rat on people behind their back.

Nasty people also rat on people.



League_Girl
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03 Jan 2015, 9:17 am

I've had friends rat on me and back then I didn't even know this was not something friends are supposed to do. I really thought you do rat on people when they do something wrong or say things or do things and you go telling everyone about it. I was in high school when my therapist told me this was against the social rules of friendship and I realized those friends I had were not my true friends.


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btbnnyr
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03 Jan 2015, 1:54 pm

I can't connect with people who are always nice and empathic, either fake or real.
They seem like robots to me.
People who show variety of behaviors, including being mean and unempathic at times, they make more sense to me.


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wozeree
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03 Jan 2015, 2:02 pm

One thing I think is really funny about people - sometimes if they upset you and you want to discuss what they did with them, they just don't want to hear it. THey'll get all upset. But if you stop talking to them and discuss it with other people, then they get mad and say you're saying it behind their backs. As a general rule, I'll say it to their face unless I know they will cry or something. Like there's a lady at work (different one), who is really unprofessional and EVERYONE talks about her. So she goes around talking to everyone about how everyone is talking about her behind her back, but she cries if you talk TO her about it to her face. Go figure!

I really believe that empathy is great and you should try to understand people's issues, because sometimes they have reasons for doing things that you don't get right away. But part of "Being nice all the time," is like someone who refuses to discuss something that's bothering them, but just keeps smiling. It's way better in my opinion to tell someone if they are bothering you. Society doesn't work that way though. I don't think I'm mean when I talk to people about stuff like that, but they clearly think I am. I think the secret is that you are supposed to not say anything. I know a lot of people who don't know other people hate them because of that.



kraftiekortie
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03 Jan 2015, 3:44 pm

What you've described is somebody being "two-faced."

I would agree--they are the worst kind of "nice" people.

People just don't want to be called out for their behavior in front of others; they're ashamed. Frankly, I wouldn't care if they're ashamed if they ratted on me. I probably wouldn't confront them directly at that point (I'm a bit of a coward at times, and it's "going down to their level.")--but I might be in a certain mood, and I might.

I've confronted people in private about that, though. That's probably the best thing to do in these instances.



League_Girl
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03 Jan 2015, 5:58 pm

wozeree wrote:
One thing I think is really funny about people - sometimes if they upset you and you want to discuss what they did with them, they just don't want to hear it. THey'll get all upset. But if you stop talking to them and discuss it with other people, then they get mad and say you're saying it behind their backs. As a general rule, I'll say it to their face unless I know they will cry or something. Like there's a lady at work (different one), who is really unprofessional and EVERYONE talks about her. So she goes around talking to everyone about how everyone is talking about her behind her back, but she cries if you talk TO her about it to her face. Go figure!

I really believe that empathy is great and you should try to understand people's issues, because sometimes they have reasons for doing things that you don't get right away. But part of "Being nice all the time," is like someone who refuses to discuss something that's bothering them, but just keeps smiling. It's way better in my opinion to tell someone if they are bothering you. Society doesn't work that way though. I don't think I'm mean when I talk to people about stuff like that, but they clearly think I am. I think the secret is that you are supposed to not say anything. I know a lot of people who don't know other people hate them because of that.



One of my ex boyfriends would get upset whenever I would talk about what is bothering me and he would take what I say the wrong way so it felt like I had to keep things bottled up but yet he would get upset if I called my parents to talk to them instead. Go figure. I didn't even know this was a sign of abuse until I read about it and this was one of the red flags I missed and he called it a social issue about taking things I say the wrong way.


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wozeree
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03 Jan 2015, 9:05 pm

wozeree wrote:
Aha and if I wasn't feeling jaded enough about the human race, I just opened my door to find that somebody had opened a package that was sent to me, taken out all the contents and left the empty box outside my door! Arg!

Syd, your dog is so cute!

I think you guys understand now what I meant anyway. I know that I'm too blunt and should curb it more, but I think being honest and open is good. You just have to be respectful while you are doing it, not doing things like smiling to to someone's face, but then going to personnel and talking about them behind their back!

I've mentioned this before, but I actually think there are some times when it's good to be fake smiley, for instance, if the person is hopeless and talking to them honestly won't help. Or if you are stuck being with them for some reason, you work with them or they are inlaws and you just want peace. Having said that, I never can pull it off. Gets me in trouble.



THis doesn't really have much to do with this thread, other than my general confusion about the human race, but...regarding the stolen stuff I mentioned above. The package was sent with a box inside a box. So yesterday, as I said, I opened my door and found a big empty box with the stuff gone.

Today, however, I found the contents (the smaller box), sitting outside the door of another neighbor (I don't know them, they are "hotel' tenants). What the heck is that all about? I don't get people!



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04 Jan 2015, 8:19 pm

In regard to the OP: I ALSO think that some people, who are nice all-the-time, are being manipulative.

That being said, I sometimes think some people who are super nice might be like that old saying about "the tears of a clown"----meaning, they're being nice to mask / ease their OWN hurt.



B19
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04 Jan 2015, 8:33 pm

Campin_Cat wrote:
In regard to the OP: I ALSO think that some people, who are nice all-the-time, are being manipulative.

That being said, I sometimes think some people who are super nice might be like that old saying about "the tears of a clown"----meaning, they're being nice to mask / ease their OWN hurt.


That's the co-dependent model of things: people give what they need instead of receiving it, which compounds their hurt. Women were culturally trained in past decades to be codependent, to be nice, never angry (only b*****s ever got angry) - trained to deny their anger to others, they learned to deny it to themselves too - and often took the anger out on their children instead, who were the only available targets who couldn't fight back. Everyone gets angry. It took feminism to validate that for women who had been trained to suppress all feelings but nice.



xenocity
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04 Jan 2015, 8:33 pm

Sometimes nice and understanding people are genuine and sincere.
It can be very annoying due to them being overly nice.

There are of course those who are manipulative and whatnot.

You should be able to tell the difference...


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05 Jan 2015, 3:15 am

I try to abandon stereotypes like that. I've known people who seem nice and loving to be the worst human beings in the worst ways possible, and I've known people who are typically as*holes and bullies to be the first ones who'd try to save your life. Anyone can be selfish and anyone can be manipulative, really. It's a challenge to discover who is and isn't though.


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olympiadis
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05 Jan 2015, 11:09 am

xenocity wrote:
Sometimes nice and understanding people are genuine and sincere.
It can be very annoying due to them being overly nice.
There are of course those who are manipulative and whatnot.
You should be able to tell the difference...


apparently I'm not good at telling the difference. :(



Campin_Cat
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05 Jan 2015, 2:20 pm

B19 wrote:
Campin_Cat wrote:
In regard to the OP: I ALSO think that some people, who are nice all-the-time, are being manipulative.

That being said, I sometimes think some people who are super nice might be like that old saying about "the tears of a clown"----meaning, they're being nice to mask / ease their OWN hurt.


That's the co-dependent model of things: people give what they need instead of receiving it, which compounds their hurt. Women were culturally trained in past decades to be codependent, to be nice, never angry (only b*****s ever got angry) - trained to deny their anger to others, they learned to deny it to themselves too - and often took the anger out on their children instead, who were the only available targets who couldn't fight back. Everyone gets angry. It took feminism to validate that for women who had been trained to suppress all feelings but nice.


Oh, wow----I never thought of that!! I definitely see the validity in what you said----GOOD POST!!



eric76
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05 Jan 2015, 2:48 pm

I'm generally nice.

Part of that is due to prosopagnosia -- since I can't recognize people very easily and because I live in a small community in which I am expected to recognize everyone, I basically have to treat everyone as if I do know them just in case I know them.

Another part, I think, is because I actually do like most people who I meet. There's no pretense about it at all. The number of people in the world who I hate is a very small number of people.



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05 Jan 2015, 5:26 pm

I have had an experience where kids would be mean to me but then be nice to me all of a sudden but it would be temporary and then they would go back to being mean to me again. This had always confused me. But now I realize this only happens when they want something. I will never understand for sure why my own friends be mean to me and then be nice and why some random kids would be nice to me all of a sudden and I wonder what did they want from me? Obviously nothing. I wonder what their agenda was. But this one boy who lived on our block, I do know why now why he would be nice to me, he had no one to play with so he had to be nice to me so I would play with him so that was giving him what he wanted. But then when he didn't need me, he would go back to being my enemy again. Now today i do not tolerate this behavior. Do not be nice to me and then mean and go back to being nice again. Enough of this wishy washy behavior. I just put these people in the bad group and see them as toxic.


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League_Girl
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05 Jan 2015, 5:28 pm

olympiadis wrote:
xenocity wrote:
Sometimes nice and understanding people are genuine and sincere.
It can be very annoying due to them being overly nice.
There are of course those who are manipulative and whatnot.
You should be able to tell the difference...


apparently I'm not good at telling the difference. :(



Neither am I.

But I think of they are strangers and take no for an answer, I will assume they have an agenda and can't be trusted and I base this on my personal experience.


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