Why do some of us have friends and the rest of us don't?

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It's gotta be a multitude of factors.

Less depressed, more outgoing/extroverted, interests & hobbies that put us around people, living in an area with a very diverse population so ASD traits aren't as obviously "different," more caring towards others, less self-isolated, more interested in having friends or at least being able to express that interest in a way that gains friends, upbringing with larger families and plenty of people around… and who knows what other factors.

I've had my rough patches where I haven't wanted to be around anyone, but overall I haven't had a problem making or keeping friends. I have a lot of them from schools, workplaces, sports, life etc & a large extended family that keeps in touch with each other. I have a handful of very close long term friends I love, too, that I'll always have in my life.

I don't have friends. I had school friends, last saw them last July, not spoken or texted since, hadn't seen them since the summer before that either. I have college friends, basically just people I speak to at college never outside of college.

I wouldn't mind having a friend but I'm not sure how it would work. In any way, like how do I even get a friend, how do I continue to be their friend, etc etc. it seems very complicated and I don't have any clue how it works, that's probably why I don't have friends tbh.

I think it's a combination of a lot of the things that people on here have brought up--social communication skills, depressive vs. optimistic tendencies, interests, etc.

I have difficulty with social communication, though my assessment of how severe I am varies greatly depending on the group I'm in, even among others on the spectrum. When I go to groups of Asperger adults of all ages, including people who were not diagnosed until adulthood, I feel sometimes like I'm more severe. Whereas, among other young adults on the spectrum who attend social groups organized by parents, I feel quite advanced, in fact I've been told that I'm "unusually social".

That brings up another thing that I think influences it--the age of first diagnosis and the degree to which accommodations were made while growing up. People who were thrown into public schools without them or anyone knowing they had Aspergers seem to have learned skills for getting along with others out of necessity. Although there is also a trade-off between having friends and having GOOD friends, that you can truly be yourself around. Some people are willing to conform more to have more friends, and some would consider that a waste of time.

I tried to have friends in the past, didn't work out. Parents wanted me to try again, I did, and didn't work out.

I see no benefits to being friends with anyone. I don't trust anyone outside of my parents anyhow.

If you're serious, that seems rather.. sad.

Even if I don't see my close friends for weeks or months at at time, as has happened in the past, I still get tremendous value from their friendship and thinking about them and the next time I'll get a chance to hang out with them. I couldn't imagine how my life would be without my high school best friend and his wife and two kids, or my closest friend of the last 3 years or so.

Did I ask for your opinion on the matter? No. I have no use for friends, so I don't see the benefit. Unless you've walked a day in my shoes and seen my past, don't tell me it's "sad" not to want any.

This is a forum where people respond to others posts. I didn't need your request for my opinion in order to offer it.

Everyone has a use for friends, IMO. To me it just sounds like you're depressed and saying these things because of that. How can you not see any benefits to having friends? People to hang out with, do things with, learn things with, play with (kids games, sports/outdoors) or just have a conversation with, watch a movie or drink a beer with.. or have deep personal conversations with about life, goals, stresses, common interests etc. Friends are great. It's nice to feel good feelings for others in your life and to know that they feel similarly towards you. It's nice to love friends and be loved by friends.

Doesn't matter what your past is. We're all always living in the present moment. And IMO, friends are great for anyone's present moment - the only moment we ever really have. So, if you haven't had great experiences with friends in the past.. so what? You don't live there, or then I should say. You live now. And now is not dependent on the past nor future.

goldfish, I haven't wanted friends for 15 years. I think I know myself well enough to not want them. I do not like being around others, I do not like people being near my stuff, I don't know how to act in social situations (and don't even think about going on about how I can "improve" this, I don't want to hear any of your crap), etc.

I dictate how I live MY life, and I don't need your opinion on what I should do, on anything.

This is not easily answered but, I'll do my best though to provide a decent reply. I think there are many variables that tend to determine how well an autistic person(s) is able to make friends,romantic partners,etc. Some social skills might come easier to to a handful of individuals whereas, it might be difficult for others. Not all social skills are easily learned nor mastered. As well, depending upon where you live and what the overall local community is like can come into play in this. Well, an example would be stated in the following manner, if you tend to reside in an area where there is not many autistic people living near you or in close proximity as well, if the local population tends to have a negative approach towards autistic person that can affect you.

Lastly, Not all people on the spectrum has going to or present a great deal of enthusiasm about taking up the means to make friends on all levels.

I know my response is not the greatest but, honestly I, myself have never done very well in social scenarios be it in my mundane life or online. Still, I try to be human as best as possible..

Sincerely,
Awilder

It sounds a lot more to me like your ASD symptoms dictate how you live your life than you do.

I wouldn't suggest you change or improve a thing if you seemed happy. But you don't come across as a happy person, so, perhaps change & improvement might do you some good.

I have two friends. Both know of my ASD and both accommodate my social deficiencies. I don't get what nts do out of social preening and I don't participate in it. So I guess for me its a matter of compromise.

Of the handful of friends that I have, they all have an attraction toward STEM knowledge, but not the same levels. They have accepted that I am much different than anyone else and that is a reason why I have been able to keep their friendship. Two of them are not college educated, but they like to listen to my explanation of an answer to their questions about something that they have pondered over. (I have a tenancy to be able to explain a very complicated issue, like quantum processes in matter, in their own terms that they can apply to their problem at hand.) However, most people just simply do not relate to me and I to them. They go on and on about relationships that I have never had (and likely never will), I will act interested in that and then they get board if I try to say anything about what I do in my life (because it does not revolve around relationships). This disjoint even happens in my field of science sometimes. I tried to start/keep friendships in grad school (because I thought many would like science like I did), but everyone there was pretty much looking out for only themselves in the end. It was hard to accept that fact but I finally did. It is better to have a couple of really good friends than to have many friends who really are not friends when you need them....

Well, I think we all can tell *why* you don't have any friends... Even among NT's, I don't know many people so sensitive and controlling.

I've seen plenty... and I don't think one post on a forum is good cause to pass such a sweeping, noxious judgment as whether or not someone is too such-and-such to have friends.

Just a reminder that personal attacks are not allowed on WP, and that "we can tell why you don't have friends" counts as a personal attack.

Andrethemoogle: if you don't like someone's advice, scroll down. Seriously. A different opinion is nothing to have a hissy fit over.

Goldfish: If someone doesn't like your advice: get over it, you can't change everyone. Sometimes you need to take a deep breath and ask yourself "How does the way this person lives their life affect me?", then just back off.

I come off very flat and people just don't seem to gravitate towards me but that's okay. I don't want or need them anyway. I far prefer quiet solitude.

I have a theory that maybe, subconsciously, I'm turning people away because I don't want to get close to anyone. Sometimes, it's not all that subconscious!

I have two men who call me a 'friend' (drinking buddies really) and they keep coming around but to tell you the truth, I've lived alone for the last 7-8 months and it has been THE BEST time of my life.

I was in a relationship once. Don't know how I fluked that. My one and only although it did go for something like 22 years and one 20 year old daughter out of it.

No one - no more!

Had enough of humans!

Dangerous, cruel creatures!