Recurrent intrusive thoughts

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I am not in the counseling side of psychology, but in the experimental side. I would not make a good counselor. I suppose one way to sum up that period of my life is that it was a "formative period" in that I was pretty psychologically damaged, although I didn't realize it at the time. It took time to start getting over some of that before people saw me as relationship material. It does now seem that physical attractive wasn't the biggest or main problem during this time.

1. At first, I ignored the problem, and the thoughts overtook me.

I developed and was diagnosed with "ideas of reference" in which those negative thoughts are triggered by other people doing ordinary things. "Ideas of reference" caused me to place blame on other people for secretly trying to send me hidden messages that "I am a loser", or "I am a failure". If a random person laughed on a bus, then it was because they thought I was a failure.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ideas_of_ ... _reference

2. I went to doctors. The doctors put me on Resperdal, and then Zyprexa. Neither worked for me.

3. Counseling did not help. One doctor even said, "Just think happy thoughts".

4. I would talk to myself when the intrusive thoughts happened. Sometimes I would try to block them out with nonsensical words, other times, when the thoughts overpowered me, I would end the thoughts with, "I know I should kill myself". Later, I would end the thoughts with, "It's not my fault!".

5. What finally worked for me was to move in with my mom, and rarely go outside. After five years of relatively low stress, I just started to mend. The thoughts occurred less.

check and check.

...and I have such a great functioning memory for the bad stuff

"Ideas of reference"...fascinating. Yet another thing I need to bring up with my psychologist.

1. I am diagnosed with AS. My maturity rate was slower, probably due to AS.

-So, I endured decades of kids and teachers saying I was dumb or lacked common sense.
-Also, I was fired from five jobs because my brain at the time could not comprehend the entirety of the work.

In retrospect, this is the basis for the intrusive thoughts of "I am a loser", "I am a failure".

2. I had TMJ disorder. I had a thyroid problem that caused a hormonal imbalance which caused my right jaw to be positioned incorrectly. It caused me to have speech, and functioning problems. The hormones caused me to have anger problems too. I did not learn to speak properly until age twenty seven.

This condition disabled me, and made me easier prey for those that wanted to torture me.

3. I have been diagnosed with several other mental disorders too, however, I believe the consequences of the above two are the causes of the intrusive thoughts.

So you think that Asperger's is the reason for the intrusive thoughts you have?

I had intrusive thoughts when I had my breakdown, working at the factory in 1998. The voices in my head told me:

"You've ended up in this factory, because you didn't reach your early childhood milestones on time!"
"Everybody's leaving this country, because of your un-Canadian behaviour!"
"You'd better go on a diet, soon. You're supposed to weigh 116 Lbs!"
"Your sister and her friends are stealing your velvet clothes!"
"Don't you dare tell your parents that you're transgendered and Gay! They will disown you forever!"
"You're looking more like Mick Avory every day, because your parents don't love you and that hurts you!"
"Your mum doesn't accept you as you are. She wants you to be a vagina!"

The last time I heard those words was in early 2000.

How did you get over them?

My brain rings in sympathy with many comments made by others on this thread.

By way of context, I have recently been diagnosed with Bipolar and High Functioning Autism.

For many years now I have had intrusive negative thoughts that I ruminate over constantly, picking the scabs off old sores. I often find myself talking to myself, frequently using the formula "You're a f*****g loser. Why don't you just kill yourself." I have been taught to use mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. They don't seem to work. My meds don't seem to be working particularly well either.

I will always be reminding myself how much of a loser I am.

People abused me because of my AS symptoms. I was fired from jobs because of my AS. So, yes.