Aspie Men are Jerks

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Yeah, I have to take your word for it that the guy is an Aspie and Have to take your word for it you are an NT and that you are not stalking him.

I fell in love with Mr. Spock long, long ago, and have since realized that I get an extra special emotional kick from persuing emotionally unavailable men. I had to knock it off before I got arrested.
I wish the same for you.

Merle

Last edited by sinsboldly on 31 Mar 2007, 11:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hi sorry
I've been told a million times...not to yell
error
guess not a great place to ask for help as I'd hoped
perhaps a guy's pov....oh well ....never mind
I'll curl up and die on the vine now

NOTAFARMGAL, I'm sorry, but I'm too logical to understand this driving aruond in circles staring thing. It's the kind of thing that would make me dial 911. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't understand this relationship!?

TO SINSBOLDLY:

Actually we could both say we stalk each other but with no intent to harm.
Just, perhaps each for different reasons? Not sure at this point. Though I know why I was there.
About twenty plus years ago I was termed a care taker enabler perhaps that is my issue.
It is not a bad thing and I think I would work myself in to the grave for this guy.
Or now - I guess or not.
Thx

I've seen this before and laughed at the PhD's stupidity, but then I find most of the researchers so far out to lunch that I don't give them any credence whatsoever. What they don't understand would fill the Grand Canyon and what they do understand would leave room in the head of a needle after they put it in there.

You hit the nail on the head. This is why most NT/NT marriages fail - people think the other person will change. I hear this all the time. Oh, they will change. Yawn. Right. People have basic personalities and may make small changes, but not big ones. You either like the person the way they are or you don't. You are absolutely correct in that htese women are martyrs. They married these men because they liked their seeming "neediness" because it made them feel wanted, but then complain when they don't like that years later. They also do not want to talk because even with NT men, NT women are notorious for saying, Well he should just know. That's why the whole Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is so popular. NT women don't tell any men what they need or what they think. You are supposed to magically read her mind and when you don't, boo hoo hoo all the way home to momma. Wah. If it seems like I am unsympathetic, I am. They entered those relationships because it filled a need inside of them and now they want to cry the blues. They ought to wake up because they'll go find another man they think is needy to make them feel important and get right back into the same mess.

As to AS women, she's also out to lunch. Many of us are married and to NTs. Most of those AS women married to NT men on here say the same things, their husband are intelligent and logical. They are also men who want to control things and be the kings of their environments in most cases. I don't mean that in an aggressive and threatening way. I mean that they like a woman who is not going to pay attention to alot of the everyday things so they can control that. It fills a need in them. They also want someone they can actually talk to at the end of the day. And they like women who are interested in more than just soap operas and gossip.

But Steve, these men are rare in the NT world. Most men want someone to take care of them and an AS woman probably won't do that to the extent and NT woman would. We are way too logical to be their pseudo-momma.

I'm sure there are some AS women who can and do get along with AS men, but I think that can have just as many potential problems as AS women with NT men. If you have two AS partners with different interests, it could be more of roommates after awhile. There could also be conflicts if routines differ or neither wants to take care of the house or handle the world. It could work or not, just like AS and NT.

Like all relationships, it is about fit. What fits together between two people. These women at one time thought the fit was good, then changed their minds. They thought the basic personality would change. What a bunch of dolts. I hope they aren't out there breeding like crazy, but I suspect they are. Just what we need. And a PhD to feel sorry for them.

No dont do that. Time to resprout. Tis Spring you know.

But yeah, an aspie forum is probably not the best place to look for counseling. You'll get it, but itll be anybodies guess.

Just another incarnation of nurse Mildred Ratched! Pure bigotry!

gosh some of you are harsh and really want me out of here
ouch
get a grip yourself and have a heart - if you've ever been in love (and for me it was at first sight!)
geeeeez people and you are in deed people

That is kinda it sometimes, huh.

Allot of the negative stuff written about Aspie men, is written by women who find out their husband has AS following relationship difficulties, during a divorce etc. That's why it is selective and biased, and very negative.

I met couple where the boyfriend had AS and his girlfriend was NT. She said that he did a few things that upset her, such as when he cooked a meal he would bring only one plate with knife and fork to the table, forgetting about her. However, when they found out about AS, things got much better and they are now married, knowledge of AS allowed them to improve their relationship.

Now, also, what about people with AS who get used by NT’s who are socially skilled and manipulative. I’m sure there are many women and men with AS who have been used by NT’s, who use social skills and lying to trick Aspies into false friendships or worse, end up the victims of a sexual assault.

If he said he has a family, you need to respect that and back off. Aspies are generally faithful and pretty old fashioned when it comes to that. We don't like promiscuity in any form. It's a turn off to us. He may find you physically attractive, but he will find the come ons once he's told you he has a family to be a turn off.

ZanneMarie

I did back off 100% and have not gone back to his work or gone any where near where we'd drove circles around each other for the past year (which is only 5 blocks from my house). I go in the total other direction, except when I have to go to my surgeon office once a week, I always run late and fastest route is past his work, but past the front door. It was the attention given that made me approach him twice and nary a third time now I know. Had we ever really spoken and not played from a distance I would have known and stopped ages ago for my own sense of self and not to feed his need for empowerment over me (or over a female or whatever we'd term he was doing). Gosh.

oh, gawd, that takes me back! I remember when my lawyer looking me straight in the eye and asking me : "is this guy really worth all your magnificent effort?" and the thought hit me. Just like Lara in "Dr. Zhivago" " ...she was in love with her own heroism" and so was I. It didn't really matter who I was projecting on, it was my gallant effort that I was in love with. Didn't I have the same relationship more or less with the other men in my life and after a while, we understand that as wonderful as they are, they were just interchangable - it was my own sense of heroism that I was getting off on.

I found it less self destructive to chanel my 'heroic' needs into far less dangerous albeit less exciting waters, just for self perservation. I can only wish the same peace for you.


Merle

I just read over what I wrote, and I think I now understand what an 'asexual' 'gets off on'.

I have been asexual most of my life, however I have had multitudinous sexual liaisons. Now I am understanding what I got 'asexually' out of the relationships when they got the fabulous sexual dynamic. hummm. . .anyone else out there basically asexual and can relate?

Last edited by sinsboldly on 01 Apr 2007, 12:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

The other thing you need to understand is that what you think you get from Aspie as far as signals is probably completely off. We don't do eye contact, body language, etc. the way you do. I get into trouble because if a guy stares at me, I stare back wondering what the heck is wrong with him. Meanwhile, he's taking it as I'm really interested. Next thing I know he's following me all over and making suggestive comments. Then I give the blank stare and they get mad. Another NT always has to explain this to me because I don't pick up on any of it. Sometimes I'm just staring off into space and not even at the person in question. But, what I'm really trying to say is that you could have just wasted two years on misinterpreted signals. You have no experience from the NT world to understand how we work. It's completely different. For us, if we like someone, we just say it. If we want someone, we just say that too. We don't really play flirtatious romance games. We say exactly what we mean. So just be careful with what you think you are seeing. It can really mess you up.

And as for your last statement about empowerment over you? No aspie guy would be into that. That's an NT thing.

I doubt that he had a "need for empowerment over" you, but whatever his feelings were, they seem not to have extended to infidelity or divorce. It's entirely possible that his marriage may not be the greatest, but it sounds as if he plans on sticking with it, don't you think?

Yeah but you also hear plenty, if not most, NT men being blamed for their constant thoughtless behaviors too. I think it has nothing to do with Aspergers. It has to do with men and women being different. Basically what straight NT women want is their boyfriend to be like their best girlfriend. It just doesn't work like that. Testosterone on the brain makes one more likely to be a good protector than remember your birthday.