How did you parents handle your aspie traits?

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Oh, smudge. I am so sad for you. My parents did this too. My older sister, the outgoing one who would go to anybody and knew how to flirt practically from her first breath, was the golden child, whereas I was a disappointment and a sad affliction to them. But I don't think people OTS are alone in this. This seems to happen all to frequently in families. One child, for whatever reason - and it could be any reason, even the child looking like a beloved relative, or the child's sex - Mom always wanted a girl, or wanted a boy, so that sex is favored - or a child was an "accident" and is resented, oh, just anything - is the favored one and the other is constantly compared negatively. I wonder why parents don't realize they're doing this and how it feels?

My mother-in-law does this, though with my ASD son and not my littlest son. She has defended him since he was tiny and still won't say "the 'A' word" (autism) - I am not kidding, that's what she calls it, the A word...and she's a school psych! She HEAVILY favors him and I have to constantly shield my little one from it. I even remember telling my littlest son at the table one time, "You're cute" (something I say constantly to all my kids), and my MIL BARKED right there at the table, "He'll NEVER be cuter than C" (my middle son). Everyone turned around and stared at her and she just giggled and shrugged in a "It is what it is, I said it and I'm proud" sort of way. Her reason is obvious and she's even as much as come out and said it: She was the older child and the "baby," her sister, was favored, so God damn it, NOBODY is going to favor the baby among her children's families. (My oldest son is out of the house and is not biologically her grandson so she only thinks of these two as "her" grandchildren, with my ASD son the older one, and my non-ASD son the younger one.)

And when she pulls this crap I think, Okay, this terrible thing happened to you, so - you've decided to do it to someone else? And worst of all, this from a person with her Ph.D. IN PSYCHOLOGY? WTF? I truly believe some parents/grandparents just can't help themselves with this very bizarre but surprisingly common theme of favoritism.

And you know what? It doesn't do the Golden Child any favors, either. You gave your example, and with me, my sister, now 50 years old, is mystified that her giggling little-kid antics only garner odd looks now instead of instant hugs, love and impromptu presents, nor why simply giggling and looking cute hasn't landed her a better job. My husband was the Golden Boy in his household and it made him think he could never measure up and that he was a fraud and his self-esteem is definitely not up there.

I think being OTS can slant things against us as far as favoritism, though. My mother always told me I was "hard to love" because of my behaviors. IMO it's something for parents of kids OTS to really guard against, because I've definitely seen that happen too...the "normal" child is favored and the atypical child is constantly tortured in an effort to "make" him or her change. It's rough. I feel ya on this one.

But here's something to perhaps cheer you up. No offense to the religious, it's just something I heard a comedian say years ago. He was saying, "Growing up my brother was always the 'good' kid and my parents constantly said, 'Why can't you be like your brother?' Eh, things could be worse. I mean, imagine being Jesus' sibling? 'Why can't you be like your brother? HE'S the messiah!'"

I've never been very good with trying to explain things be it in verbal manner or written one however, I'll do my utmost best.Well, as a young child my parents thought that I must been somewhat weird I suppose as, I tended to make hand gesture and vocalized sound effects which, tended to get my on parent's nerves a great deal. I'll admit that I was not very good at learning the basics of tying my shoes or acquire the skills to swim but, eventually they came to me at a slower pace. (ponders a though) The unpleasant aspect of my aspie traits as such that tended to have an impact on my early life and even my adult life now speak would be trying to maintain my ability to focus when someone is talking and keep my stimming down to a minimum.

I'm not sure what else to add..

Hi NowhereWoman. Thank you so much for replying to my post and for understanding what it is I'm going through. I've had enough of patronizing comments like, "But your mother loves you" and, "But it's your mother", "You need your family", "Life is too short to ignore your sister" etc. etc. I hope people have been more understanding towards you. Quite often when everybody else is saying the opposite of what you think, you often question yourself and it just gets even lonlier. It has taken me years to understand my own situation. It doesn't help being literal in thinking, and believing anything your whole family says must be right. I need someone else to agree with me because I still question myself. I don't understand why people lie and believe they're fully right, and how they can't feel the slighest guilt from really hurting other people.

I can't believe your MIL is a school psych! How she could be so blatant, and right in front of your kids, is awful. Do you have to have her around at all? What does your husband think of her? I mean, family is family and all of that, but her behaviour is completely horrendous. She shouldn't be taking out her past traumas on your smallest one, he has nothing to do with it, it's not his fault. And the "A-word" makes autism sound like a bloody disease!

I have to ask, what does OTS stand for?

That joke at the end made me laugh! Thank you for your detailed response and for cheering me up. It really helps when someone takes the time to listen and understand, it really doesn't happen often. Thank you, I feel like shite at the moment.

Last edited by smudge on 22 Sep 2015, 2:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

OTS means on the spectrum...

I'm so glad you were able to get a little chuckle today!

My husband is VERY conflicted about his mother. The fact that she refuses to support our decisions for our son, his DX and anything having to do with autism, really, has driven a wedge between them that keeps growing. We have talked to her so many times about this but it doesn't really change. We don't bring up the subject; we don't feel there's any need to - our son is just our son and we like to talk about everyday stuff regarding him, like every parent does. But for her...she's like a dog with a bone. Even at my birthday dinner she decided out of the blue to say (in front of our kids!) that the initial assessments were "messed up"...my husband just asked her nicely to please not go there that day.

We do see her...my husband feels like she's going to die and he will then feel guilty that he didn't spend enough time with her while she was alive. It's so hard on him.

But personally, for me, there's another element: this woman could have been someone who assessed our son. She IS someone who has assessed other people's sons, and daughters. I mean just imagine...

But it's all good because we show our kids love & acceptance all day, every day. I love my little men.

You're right that platitudes don't really work...especially when it was your own mother and you grew up under that sort of stress..."Oh, she really does love you..." I think people are just trying to say something nice...so I'll give them credit for that. It's such a tough situation.

Thanks for your kind words!

I tend to edit my posts a few times after posting them, and I have done with the one above, if you would like to read that.

It's interesting (and worrying) to think of people like your MIL assessing others' children too. I encountered a lot of people with a very dismissive attitude when I was younger, while my mother was trying to get me diagnosed.

As for your husband, as she's his mother, it must be very tough. Perhaps it would help if you both tried to imagine what it would be like not having her around at all, and then imagine having her around for the rest of your lives, how it would affect your family and whether you could bear that thought. The fact that she's not showing support for you at this early stage of your son's life, indicates that she might not in the future. I don't know her personally, but I would think her attitudes are not going to change, and this will probably get a lot harder to deal with as he gets older. And then there's your youngest to consider.