People say the most infuriating things- I'm just annoyed

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Of cause I don't know you, but I can have a very obsessive nature in things that are of interest to me.
My main special interest was classical ballet starting at age 17.
I got very much obsessed with it .
Anyway my obsessiveness caused that for a big part by autodidactive learning and practicing and also taking classes in ballet I was accepted to a national academy of ballet ,which is very hard to get into, after only two years of practicing.
Most people who get accepted start ballet at very young age and practice daily, and I did it in two years time.
This I see as a positive of my obsessiveness. A positive about being autistic.
But after two years I got kicked out because I failed on communication level, I was practically non-verbal at that time and the teachers saw me as weird.
("Can't you talk?")
A negative about being autistic.
But back to topic I did not research traits like putting the word "autistic traits" into Google and searching them but researching autism and then reading on traits and examining them if they fit and to me there lies a problem in online tests because traits can fit, but the degree is determinig, if it is impairing.
Among the 800 pages were two books of Temple Grandin and one German autistic author.
I cannot really say about the reaction of the person reacting to you.
Maybe do not post specific traits anymore.
I am open about being autistic, but it is kind of nessesary because like in the national ballet academy (nad school and everything) people can react very negative towards me, but it's enough to me when they know that it's autism, what they realize is different about me, but I do not explain traits to people.
It is enough to say (or mostly it is said to them not by me) that I have autism.

[b]That is absolutely amazing. That is definitely a great example of how Autistic traits really worked for a great thing. Congratulations on being able to achieve so well in ballet. I have never accomplished anything nearly as great as that but I can relate to what you are saying about addictive practicing. When I ski, which is a special interest of mine, I can spend hours and hours just focusing on tiny minute details of my technique. I am not a great skier yet but I have the ability to hyperfocus and really practice longer and more intensely than other people that I know. I used to do that with swimming as well. I would spend hours at a time just focusing on one tiny movement. Then I will also do research on what I am specifically working on. I will read about it and study it.[/b]
[b]I don't understand this. Why do you need to be verbal to be a ballet dancer? I don't know anything about ballet but it just does not make logical sense to me. I am sorry they kicked you out for that. It just seems wrong. Sorry to digress.
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[b]I completely agree with you on the online tests. The traits are sometimes written in such a vague way that they can apply to anyone. Like you say, degree, frequency and how they impair your daily life is what I think makes the difference. I often tell people, nothing in Aspeger's is Asperger's exclusive. But if it dramatically impairs your life daily and keeps you from functioning then you need to look into it.
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[b]Do you mean do not post them on WP or do not tell the person who reacted to me? I am considering not telling the person who reacted to me too much about Autism anymore. Or too much about anything that is very important and sensitive to me. I welcome advice and I appreciate it and will take it from anyone. But what bothers me is when someone insists on giving me advice about a specific topic that I initiated with them when they have not listened to anything or heard anything I have actually said and completely missed the point of why I was initiating the topic with them. The other example is the second person I mentioned and that person reacted in a similar way. I presented the topic to the person as a document of medical interest and the person responded by telling me about how I should feel about my sports. And that is what these particular people do all the time.[/b]

[/quote] [b]Oh, I think I understand what you mean now. I think you mean don't tell those people the specific traits. Yes, now I see it from what you said here. I think you are giving me very good advice. Thank you my friend.[/b]

Last edited by skibum on 01 Nov 2015, 7:42 pm, edited 8 times in total.

Oh my goodness, I did the quote commands all wrong in the above post. I will do my best to fix it but please forgive me if I don't get it right.

update,
ok, I fixed it a little bit but I can't seem to figure out how to get rid of the bold text so I'll just leave that. I had made it bold because I messed up the boxes. But it's all good.

I don't know of course but I wondered if the person might just be selfish. That maybe the person cares about you, but may not really be able to empathize. I have trouble recognizing those people, and I take what people say and look for it to make sense in a literal way. Sometimes, though, people say things to manipulate or control others. See the person's strengths and enjoy them, but sometimes it's best not to try to work out what they mean if your brain doesn't work that way.

Many people are poor at apologizing, too. You've disagreed, is there any chance if you leave it alone they won't repeat the behavior? Sometimes a short emotional disagreement followed by gracious dignified interactions shuts this down. Not often but every once in awhile.

I don't know if OP is doing what the emails say or not.
It seems that the person who wrote the emails that she may be going overboard in this researching autism and matching traits in real life.
I don't know, because I have only interacted with OP online.
Sometimes, it takes a close person to recognize one's own behaviors as a bit overboard, because it's more difficult to recognize these from inside own mind.

This person sounds absolutely horrid.

You know, people who are neurotypical may function more smoothly in society than people who are not, but they sure tend to be the more ignorant group.

This is what I did.
Autistic Hyperfocus can be very powerful.

You need to be able to communicate for interaction with teachers.
When they gave me a correction or something I did not reply, because in my mind I heard it and it did not occur to me that I had to signalize that I have heard them. Then they got angry and I did not know why.
I did not know, when to greet them.
I had no eye-contact, so they insisted that I would open my eyes, but they were open, but directed downwards, so I lifted my head a bit more, but still not doing eye-contact.Then they got angry and I did not know why.
And these are just two examples.

Yes, this is what I mean.
Don't tell them all specific traits.
Only when it is really necessary, but not just to be "informative".

Do you still dance, Eloa?

I think your close associate meant well, Skibum, and has your best interests at heart. Like many, though, he/she has a hard time making sense of autistic traits.

Just tell her, nicely, that you appreciate the advice--that's all you have to do, because you are an adult. He/she is not inside your body, so he/she cannot know what something like misphony feels like. I can't either.

Please don't be angry at him/her.

By the way, have you been able to see your horses again?

Yes I do.
I do almost daily training, but alone.
I have a friend who has mild autism, but no diagnosis, but he got unofficially diagnosed twice, but he does not want a diagnosis and we got to know each other through ballet in an open studio and he was obsessed like me and he is doing choreography now in a Theater in this town and when he is doing choreography I dance it (and most of the time other people too).
But when I was researching autism excessively I did hardly dance anymore in a period for two years after diagnosis.
But for me moving in space is better than excessively researching autism in front of a PC, though I have problems with coordination, but my friend knows, so he knows I need a lot of time to "incorporate" new movements, but to the other dancers we do not tell that it is an autistic trait, but that I need my time to incorporate movements.

That's pretty nifty, Eloa, that you've found such a connection.

Ballet dancing is something that many people admire, but few are willing/able to put in the practice time.

When I feel about what people say and do as you are describing, Skibum, it is because they are speaking but not making sense. Often, they are reflecting an unstated internal agenda (sometimes it's politics between people).

People here are right that there could be pieces of the truth in what she says.

Pieces of apple don't make an apple pie for thanksgiving no matter what anyone says they are.

Your relative is speaking and it is not making sense to you with the facts. I understand when people are forthright. I think you do as well. I am wondering, could your relative feel neglected or jealous? I am poor at responding to this in the moment, but I find people saying hurtful things seem usually to feel they are somehow victims and if I value or need to be around the person, looking at the direct contact is often not helpful; because many times, people are not using words to say what they mean so much as to establish positions or protect themselves or someone else.

I really do appreciate your perspective as well as League Girl's and I have actually considered both perspectives. I have not dismissed them at all. I think they are very valid and in some cases they might absolutely apply. It's just not the case in this particular situation.

The OP is definitely not going overboard with Autism research. I know that I am biased because I am the OP but I know for a fact that that is not the case. I am not disagreeing with the fact that it could have been a possibility, I have been obsessed in the past by other things. It's just not the case here in this particular event. I have a home, a husband, another property that I have to take care of, sports that I do, I have bills to pay, I have errands to run, even if I wanted to spend all day every day researching Autism, which I don't, I simply would not have the time.

But I think that it's a bit unfair for that particular person to ask me to stop researching Autism. The person does not live with me. In fact they live in a different state so they only know as much about my life as I tell them. They love me very much and are a very close relative because they are my immediate family. I think that the fact that I am much more open about what I feel and what I am willing to do and not do and the fact that when I do learn something significant like we learned the other night, I do share it with them. So this might be the reason why they think that I spend all my time researching Autism. And I am not too much of a chatter so I don't tend to chat with them about everything under the sun like other people do with them.

Like before, I would have never known to say, I am not going to speak today because it is just taking too much energy for me to do so and I have to conserve my energy so that I don't meltdown. I would not have known that that was even an option for me because before I knew I was Autistic I did not have any reason to understand why I had trouble with speech sometimes when no one else did. So since, in my understanding, there was no reason for me to not be able to speak, I would just assume that I could and I would push myself beyond my limit and then end up crashing badly because I was so drained. And then when I was confronted on crashing badly because there was no obvious reason for me to crash, I would say to myself, "There is no reason for you to crash, no one else is having this trouble and there is no explanation for it and they are all complaining at you for crashing and telling you to get up and get about your life," so you have to be able to get up and go about your life. So I would push and push and push my body and after years and years of this my body started to not be able to handle it. But there was no obvious reason for that either so they would just confront me more and I would just keep trying because I had no explanation for it other than I was just lazy.

I also growing up always just assumed I was an evil person because my responses to sounds and other sensory stimuli would annoy other people and they would always let me know how much I was bothering them by being so sensitive and that I was being unfair and mean to them because of my sensitivities. And this is the same for most of my traits. I was called super immature because of my child like nature, I was bullied because I could not walk fast enough and the list goes on. So my whole life I always considered that I was just a bad person who, for no apparent reason, just bothered other people and made others miserable. Some of my communication errors actually split up a family. So with no other explanation for why my sheer existence did so much damage to other people and caused me so much trouble physically, mentally, and emotionally, the only conclusion that I had was that I was a terrible person and a that I was just a bad seed. And this is what I have thought of myself until I was told about Autism. I only learned about it three years ago and I have only been diagnosed one year.

And when I found out about it, I knew nothing at all about the condition except for the movie Rainman. That was the absolute extent of my knowledge. Now I was told for the first time that I was Autistic at the age of 45 and I got diagnosed at the age of 47. If I had been found out and diagnosed at 2 or 6 or 12, I would have had a lifetime of people in my life, parents, teachers, and a whole support group of people. Over the course of my life I would have learned about what Autism is and people would have supported me and helped me. I know that that might not be the case for every single person who is diagnosed young, but for the majority of people who have loving parents, it is. People would have done everything they can to help me understand my issues and explain to me that the issues that I have are just part of Autism and it's fine to have them and that I am not a bad or evil person because of it. And again, I know that there are some who come from not so supportive situations, I understand that.

But when you grow up and constantly hear or get treated like, the way you talk is bad, the way you relate to others is bad, the way you walk is not good enough, the way you turn your head when you look at things is bad, the way you breathe is bad, the way you play is bad, the way you respond to sound is bad, the way you respond to light is bad, the way you get tired all the time is bad, the way you can't hold a job is bad, why can't you just walk faster, we don't want to be your friend because you are weird, why can't you just...." and you never, not even one time in your entire life get any explanation as to why any of this is happening, and every time you have a meltdown or something you get spanked or reprimanded, you really wonder what your problem is and the only thing you can think of is that you are a bad person. Because you experience this in every single situation you are in, no matter where you live, no matter whom you are with. Your parents, your acquaintances, your work situations, you marriage, every single environment you are ever in you encounter this. So the only option you are left with is, "I must be a horrible person and since there is no reason, it must all be me and my fault."

I am sure that not every single person who is diagnosed late has felt this way but this is how I felt. This is my experience.

Once I found out I was Autistic literally, after 45 years, in one day, all of this started to change. One day I was just this evil weirdo whose very existence was a problem for everyone around me, and the next day I realized that there was a thing called HFA and another thing called Misophonia that might hold some answers as to who I was and what I was. So I was told. But I still knew nothing about it. So what was I do then? Just go on with my life as usual because now I know I have this thing called Autism and Misophonia? I needed to know more about what these things mean and how I am specifically affected by them. And the only way to do that is to learn. And the only way to do that is to research.

Now once I started learning and realizing that I am not this evil b***h who ruins everybody's day by just simply trying existing, I started to get some real answers and real relief and understand how I can better live my life without the constant damage being done to my body by trying to live up to everyone else's expectations. So as I learned more stuff I would share that stuff with the people who are closely in my life.

Well, as we all know, Autism is very complicated, there is a whole lot to it and if affects every area of our lives. You can't just go about your life and ignore your Autism. Because of Autism everything in life affects you. You can't ignore your Autism and go about your day when you are constantly 100% of your day being bombarded with sensory overload from all the sounds around you. So if you say, "well I am not going to bother learning about how that works and if there is anything I can do to make it better for myself because I need to just get on with my life," you are not going to do any better with getting on with your life than before you knew you were Autistic. And the only way one can learn these things is by researching them and learning them. So for someone to tell me to stop learning about Autism so that I can get on with my life makes no sense at all. I can't live any part of my life without being affected by Autism. It's not possible. If I ignore my Autism to go on and live with my life that just makes no sense.

Now I understand the concept of being obsessed with researching something and not doing anything else at all at the expense of that. But that is absolutely not the case with me at all. It might be for some people and if it were the case for me I would know it and I would admit it. It's just not the reality of this particular situation. If it were, nothing else in my life would be getting done and my husband would certainly have brought it up. If I were spending more time researching anything than would seem appropriate, my husband would be all over me about that and my brother would as well.

I have already explained in a previous post how I actually do "research." When something affects me I have to figure out what it is to get through it. So I research. And since Autism is so prevalent in every part of my life, a lot of my research will be about Autism. For 45 years, I barely survived my life living in a state of perpetual burnout, destroying nearly every relationship I have ever had, not being able to work or accomplish much of anything and physically being barely able to function for much of the time. Now the person who had this email exchange with me does not know that because as a closet sufferer of symptoms I had no understanding of, I only let them see me when I was strong. So much of my time was spent in situations where it was safe for me to be alone like I was a marathon runner at one point, spent lots of time running outside for miles by myself. I could come home from school and under the guise of lots of homework I could stay locked in my room and not have to interact with anyone if I was not up to it. So I had lots of tricks like that. But I had to stay hidden because if I dared show any signs of Autism of Misphonia, I was punished for them.

Now, because I am learning about Autism and how it affects every part of my life I can make choices that will help me actually live my life and not just barely survive it like before. I can educate my loved ones so that they can understand me as I learn to understand myself. For the most part it is working great. I now have the freedom to stim in front of them and it's now okay if I can't talk or attend a social event. They now understand that when we are on a hike or a bike ride or walking to something there is no way I will be able to keep up their pace no matter what I do so they may have to just walk or ride more slowly. They now understand that a meltdown is not a bratty temper tantrum so if I have one it's because my body is responding to some kind of overload. Now I don't get stupid questions as often like, "What makes you qualified to be allowed to be in Special Olympics?" Now it's, "Wow, you got a silver medal or a gold medal, we know how hard it was for you to get that, we are really proud of you."

And the most important thing is that I am educating myself about all of these things. Now I am learning and understanding how things in my body physiologically work differently from the bodies of my friends and family members. Now I understand that if I don't have the executive functioning ability to do something there is a reason. I am not stupid, I am not lazy and I might just need to make this or that adjustment to compensate. I don't have parents or teachers who are going to educate me about who I am and how I work. I don't have anyone who is going to help me understand what Autism is and how to make adjustments and compensations in my life so that I can actually live my life. Only I can do that. So it makes no logical sense for someone to tell me to stop learning about Autism and just go live my life.

Last edited by skibum on 02 Nov 2015, 2:32 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I think you are right about this person in many of the things that you say. It's best to not just let some time pass with them and let it blow over. I just needed to vent and get my frustrations out and this thread really helped. But this is an immediate family member and no matter what happens the love is there between us and always will be. So it will all be fine in the end. It's the same relation that you and I have spoken about privately. so you, Waterfalls, do get it.

Your advice is very good. Thank you.

What you say about the need to communicate in that situation makes total sense. I am just so sorry that they were not more creative with you and did not take the time to understand you and to communicate with you in nonverbal ways. I am really glad that you are continuing to dance. Like I said, I know next to nothing about ballet except that it is very beautiful. I wish I could see you dance.

This person in many ways is amazing and wonderful and compassionate and will support other people in ways that no one else will. But in some ways the person's logic and understanding of things are very frustrating and they tend to stick to whatever they think and not have the capacity to even consider someone else's view. It's one thing to disagree with someone else's view but to refuse to even acknowledge it or even consider it is a bit much. So yes, sometimes the person's effect on others can be absolutely horrid as you say even if the person's intentions are really good.

I've only read the first page of this thread so far but felt compelled to comment that the response you got reminds me of a stereotypical male response, where the male is a "fixer" not a "listen-and-sympathize-er", which is normally all that most females seem to want (someone to listen and sympathize and say "I hear you, I get what you're saying, I can understand why you'd feel that way" - those are all validating statements which sounds like what you really needed at the time was some validation about your childhood anecdotes being attributable to your newly discovered neurological differences, not to some fundamental "wrongness". I find that usually males will be the ones most likely to respond to any given thing in that manner just by habit - brush it off, minimize it, offer ways to fix it or hide it or ignore it, and then try to change the subject. Not always, of course. Usually when females do it I find that it's because they're very uncomfortable with the conversation for some reason.

But I'm sure I don't have that completely worked out because if I understood people THAT well, I wouldn't have all the troubles I have... and I know that you said this person was also a female but either way it sounds like she wasn't understanding your need for her to listen and validate your feelings, and instead had some sort of agenda of her own which I haven't really worked out yet.

Anyway, completely empathize with you for sure. People often seem to be suggesting to me that whatever I read about, I think that I have. That's not true, they have it backwards. If I think I have something, I read about it to educate myself. At that point I usually am able to set my own mind at ease because of understanding better, actually. Amazing how backwards some people can get things.