Have you ever been bullied?

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There was a time in 6th grade when I was walking home, some bullies started following me and started kicking me and swinging tree branches at me. I tried to run, but because of my gait, I couldn't run fast enough. I yelled for help to a girl I saw ahead of me, but she just turned back to look and hurried on forward. Why on earth would somebody do that when a person was obviously getting beaten? I was almost angrier at her than I was at the bullies. Almost.

I was ridiculed relentlessly in secondary school and in my early adulthood, mostly for my appearance. Like a couple of posters above when I tried to defend myself I usually came off worse with authority.

I am still badly damaged by the experience. I have been diagnosed with body dysmorphia and I find it hard to trust anyone. I'm afraid that I still have a very adolescent mindset and I assume (probably unfairly) that other adults do too. I am afraid that if I make the slightest social slip up I will be set upon and torn to pieces. I have nightmares about these experiences most nights.

I'm seeing mental health services now but to be honest my case co-ordinator isn't a great deal of help. She tells me that I need to think differently and feel different about myself but I can't just change what I think about myself by force of will alone. I desperately want to move on but I don't know how.

I have been given a place on an Occupational Therapy Lifestyle Redesign course which starts next week. I am questioning how useful it will be (I started a thread on this issue). I have argued that the course will be a very artificial environment where it will be much easier for me to reach out to other people because I will know that these people will have social problems themselves and should therefore be more understanding. Tt will alos be a "closed" environment of 12 people who won't really have the opportunity to behave in the ways I would normally fear (by talking and laughing about me behind my back and so on).

I wish I could stop anyone from being bullied.

When I was being bullied at 12 there was going to be a fight; some students brought in knives but I think it was just to scare me. I was going to stay and it thought that if the killed me in the fight it would be fine because I'd be a martyr, and then it will be in the news and all the surrounding schools would hear about it, then no student would bully anyone again.

I didn't stay though, I texted and family member to get me out. I planned on going back to the school but didn't. I moved house far far away. I felt like a coward for years though because I ran away instead of let them kill me lol.

Do you guys think I'm dumb for that?

Nope...you did a very intelligent thing.

Not only could you have been beaten up, you could have been arrested (if the cops believed the bullies). You might have had a juvenile record.

There are two examples, though they might not be bullying.

1. I wear a pair of radio earmuffs, predominantly in the hallways. Kids always give me a weird look when they pass by, like a(n) alien has attended the school.

2. I was wearing a pair of radio earmuffs in homeroom. Then some girl came and up and asked me, "what are those?" (Not the vine). Then some other kid who was popular in my grade, who was talking to the girl who asked me about my earmuffs asked me "do you have to wear those?" He sounded like he had a bit of dissatisfaction in his voice.

Tell the other kids that you feel comfortable listening to music with those earmuffs. That's all they have to know. You don't have to tell them anything else.

Thanks Starfoxx.