How do you relax?

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Here's been my problem with doing that without some sort of 'training' on how I sound, relate or express myself in accordance to societal norms. I have had a charmed life. I have made and lost two fortunes and have had really high profile jobs with great opportunities. But, if you don't master those skills, it can lead to disaster and failure.
But, if you are talking about doing the day to day things that are a real pain in the ass, then I hear you completely and I agree. I too, have been (for 6 weeks) involved with two things that have sucked my time and energy.
1) find the proper diagnosis, 'cause if it ain't Asperger's, then it's something else.
2) At Thanksgiving I got hit with a whammy of a special interest and haven't been able to let go. I am going to have fun dealing with my ISP tomorrow because I did neglect a few things and, well.....should have been more responsible instead of just giving in so completely to the special interest. At least I did manage to get out of the house to do my job. Barely........

I'm a college level instructor in 3D computer graphics as well as being a freelance artist/indie game designer.

I am so spoiled in this way. My wife is Chinese and she knows about pressure points and pressure massage. There are times at night, when the world has beat me down, and we are in bed. She will reach over and hit a few points and it's heaven. She's even learned a couple of pressure points that are unique to myself.

And, before anyone goes dirty in their thoughts, the biggest pressure point that is instantly pleasing is right below and behind my jaw line. Instant nirvana for a few moments.

But, sadly, that isn't enough lately. My stress levels are getting out of hand. For two times in the last week (Thursday and tonight) she has asked me who I was talking to or what I am saying.

Thursday, I was in the studio and she was in the other room. She asked me who I was talking to. The thing was, I was not talking as far as I know. Wide awake.....
Tonight, we were laying in bed, I was going through my daily routine of practicing conversations and practicing the conversations I need to have tomorrow. She asked me what I was saying. I was actively trying to be quiet so she could sleep.
So, two times in the last week, I have vocalized, with words (or mumbles) and was not aware of it.
This is the fifth time in one year that this has been brought to my attention. Three from my wife, one from my mom and one from a student I was tutoring (during a tutoring session).
Now, to have a student tell you that you are vocalizing can be scary because I do get ticked off about some things and really would not want the 'reaction' to come out unfiltered while I am in deep thought.

Having a bit of a hard time with that. That realization has been one of the reasons why I am so focused on getting properly diagnosed.

I can actually see the usefulness in this though, as once it's done it's over with. Sometimes people become a nervous wreck just thinking about something they still have to do, and by that point they're already tired out or feeling defeated.

@zkydz: In all honesty, "disaster and failure" is probably a better outcome for me in the long term. I've found that those sorts of things are amazing learning experiences in the end. Trying to avoid failure has done a lot to put me in this bind. But I'm not too concerned, I get on fine with others. It's myself that I really, really struggle with which is part of the reason that all this stress tends to get worse when I'm alone.

Anyway... yeah, unless I'm misunderstanding what you're explaining it does sound like there's more going on than autism. It could be an additional condition, and I think you're right to be focusing on getting to the bottom of it. You've got a good thing going as far as I can tell, and if something is threatening that? Definitely a priority. I'm glad you have supportive people around you.

Oh absolutely. I've no doubt it's one of the main things wearing on my nerves. The problem is that it's a very entrenched habit.

hot bath, candles, wine, jazz music... totally gay but its the only way. OTT

Ummmm, not sure what you could be misunderstanding. What part is the 'good thing' you refer to? I'm just a bit waking up before I have to leave so I'm a bit lost.

You've got a good job and people who are there for you. That's pretty good right there!

Oh!! Hahahaha, I gotacha.... I agree. But, I am afraid of blowing that too. But, I was also asking about the things you said did not seem like Autism. Can you elaborate on that? I'm still learning about these things.

I will say that things are a bit better now. I'm at my parent's house in the country for the holidays. It's taken 3 days, but I am starting to wind down a bit. The outside stimulus is waaaaaayyy down from NYC, I recognized the lack of stimulation when My father and I were as a Sam's club store. The crowds, flashing lights (Some sort of alarm went off a few times) and I could feel my 'overstimulation' build back up. It's the overstimulation that sets me into a state of..I don't lnow how to describe it. It's more than anxiety and not near the meltdown stage today. But, I could literally feel it rising. And, with that rising, I noticed my patience started waning.

But, one more week of quiet before returning to NYC.

OH! And the compulsion to work on my models has waned with the lack of outside stimulus. It's now just going and doing a bit of work, and not just digging my heels and losing site of the outside world.

In short, the sort of events you described don't sound like they're symptomatic of autism (not that I'm an expert). That suggests there's something else going on that you should definitely get to the bottom of.

It's interesting to hear people describe their reaction to a lot of stimulation. I'm pretty sure I get that sort of thing too, but because I've spent so long training myself to work around it I'm never cognizant of it. I'll get through my day and go "oh god, why am I such a nervous wreck?" It tends to blindside me after going totally unnoticed for hours and hours. So it's fascinating to hear about people with a different experience.

Speaking of different experiences; how do you handle it when you're out in the country like that in contrast to having all that work to do? I do very poorly in that situation; as anyone who's had me ask them ten times a day for some chore to do can attest.

I'd probably be at my best if I had a job that I felt good about doing and that felt worthwhile. You seem to, but I don't have that. Instead I feel like I'm grasping at straws and wasting my time. That's probably where a lot of my stress comes from. What that job would be, I haven't the faintest idea.

i will feel like that sometimes around an exciting holiday (im always very anxious and unrelaxed around christmas and birthdays), during school, or something stressful happens. this can happen out of nowhere too! what i doo when i feel like that is if i have enough spoons/energy gathered up, i try taking a shower or at least washing my hair so i dont feel as physically gross. then i get in comfortable clothes, surround myself in nice blankets and stuffed animals, then indulge in my special interest in some way. on some days where my spoon count is down to about 0, crying and taking naps can also be somewhat helpful. sleeping at weird times messes up my routines, so i try not to do that as much. i hope this helped in some way? i hope things get better soon!

... spoons? I think I get what you mean, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, thanks for the comment! I do the shower thing too. Some evenings I'll hop in the shower for a minute or two and that feels pretty refreshing or at least winds me down a bit. For me though it's as much the sensory aspect of it as anyway.

I don't know that I have a special interest anymore. I have at times in the past and remember it being calming, but at some point anything like that stopped being an outlet for stress and often started producing it as it distracted me from things that felt more meaningful or important (if not as interesting). It was like a burdensome, slavish obsession.

If I could make that stuff match up again (what is interesting to me and what is actually important or meaningful to me) then I'd probably feel a lot better. I don't know if that's possible.

The things that I think you're mentioning is the extreme reactions I am having currently, so I will try to break that down since I haven't been explicit.
In October, I went to China. Now, I actually enjoy being there. My in-laws are there and they actually like me. My wife has great friends there and they treat us very, very well. But, the onslaught of people (Where we were was about the size of the 5 bouroughs of NYC, but has a registered population of about 40 million people maybe 50-60 million with unregistered included), the pollution, the other smells and sounds really bent me out of shape while there and took me about two weeks to decompress from. Work has been getting dodgy and I'm not happy with the company I work for, for many reasons. So, I dived into something I enjoy (model building) and it became so intense that I could not stop. That has never happened to me before. It will become my focus, but never an obsession. I think it's the massive overstimulus of so many things at one time ganging up and just blowing my sense of everything out of whack. But, I also do not rule out co-morbidity being exacerbated by Asperger's.
One of the things I am hoping I can get out of this is understanding. For all my life (55) I always thought everybody 'practiced conversations' or had trouble with textures, smells, tastes and sound/light. THEN, because I have spent so long thinking I was the calm one, and now finding out that maybe, just maybe I am not so calm sounding as I really am felling or being offensive etc, etc, that I think I need outside training to first work within the limitations and then hopefully overcome the ones that I can.
Well, I can tell you this from my perspective. The chores are a problem no matter where I am. But, working (professionally) has never been a problem as I am quite content to work alone as much as possible. Then you have to consider that I am from the country (not a city boy at all) and it is where I can actually get a bit better centered. Not so much stimulus. I truly do like not being around most people. People confuse me and usually that leads to nothing good as they get tired of me trying to pin things down. Here is an example. I went to a store the yesterday to find a toy motorcycle. I asked one of the women if they had a motorcycle similar to the one that I had with me (old one). I told her that style of make was not important, just the size. She said she did not have one like that. I had to ask her what she meant by "Like that". Size? Style? Manufacturer? I got a really snide answer. Really ticked me off. I didn't understand I was trying to pin down the information so I could process it. So, I have no idea who the as*hole was, me or her?
I get that. Unless something has a purpose (not including my silly special interests) I have a deep aversion to doing it. It is interfering with my job functionality as well as my ability to cope with the rapidly changing state of my field. It is exactly as you described. "Grasping at Straws" and the "waste of time" feeling is very defeating when trying to muster the will power to brave the crowds, noises and other sensory input from NYC.

I agree. Here; I had knowledge of my differences pretty much right from the start. In a lot of ways it helped, but because of how little was in place at the time I've had to make a lot up as I went along. I built up a lot of defense mechanisms that are now weighing me down and stopping me from getting things accomplished, while providing nothing in return.

I didn't have the opportunity for much outside training and even now don't know how I'd get it. I've just had to throw myself into situations where I'd be forced to adapt, and learn from that.



As someone who works in customer service I'll say she was the as*hole.

As for me, I grew up in the suburbs; I still loathe that sort of environment, which sucks because after years of living in a major city I'm in a more or less suburban area right now. As much as I like the quiet of the country, it tends to make me feel "trapped", hence the cabin fever sort of feeling. Suburbs are like a less intense version of that; spread out, isolated, everyone in their own little world. You don't get that in the city, as you surely know. You have to deal with people and there's always something going on. There's a lot of stimulus and as trying as it can be at times, it makes me feel alive.

Plus, as I mentioned earlier I tend to get very anxious when I'm alone. I don't know what to do with myself.



I don't see any real solution to this from where I am, though.

This "just do it" tactic has been my #1 go-to stress/anxiety reliever for years now. It works even when I can only take the thing on in stages, and have to break it down into minigoals.

What has also worked/is working:

Elimination/Challenge diet to identify and remove foods that don't work for me. Removing gluten and dairy has dropped the stress, fatigue, and pain levels immensely, although it wasn't enough by itself to completely fix the problem.

Adding greens to my diet on a daily basis, a full 2-3 servings and no exceptions, no excuses

Drawing - freeform drawings done with Pentel felt tip pens (I used these in childhood, and now prefer them). Sometimes I'll use my left hand to mix things up.

Self-massage aka Roll Model/Yoga Tuneup = this put me back in touch with areas of my body that had been silent for years

Replaying rhythmic electronic music in my mind - this somehow works better than actually listening to the music, although that helps too.

Warm shower - relaxes muscles and usually lets my mind wander into a more creative and flexible mode

Talk to imaginary friend or aquaintance - yes, been doing this all my life, and still doing it at age 51, because it works.

"Live" in imaginary world(s) - these are typically in a sci fi or 'magic/fantasy' ruleset, although not always. Most relaxing if something really funny happens in there and makes me laugh out loud (but awkward when people are around to witness that).

Pet a cat - my own, or if I'm walking, someone else's.

Crochet - I have made several afghans while the mind is drifting. People appreciate them, and I've kept one favorite.

Beading - I make my own beaded jewelry without reference to instructions or patterns. It just sort of designs itself. If it builds up, I give it away and make more.

Reading an old favorite book like the Tolkien Lord of the Rings series - this is more like entering the realm and moving about in it than reading a story for me. I must have read several of my old favorites 100's of times by now.

Do something thoughtful and nice for another person - clean the house, make them food, make them a gift, etc. Amazing how much that can drop the stress levels down.

Walk outside, and wander - I walk with no destination and let my subconscious mind decide where we are headed. We are almost always headed for our community garden, a state or city park, or a quiet neighborhood or semirural area with lots of friendly cats.

Touch plants, fences, trees, etc while walking. I had stopped myself doing this for years and recently stopped suppressing it. This is amazingly calming.

Repeat phrases in my mind - "we are ok", "you will be fine", "you are all right", "nothing is wrong", "the sky is beautiful" or whatever is working right then.

The smile program - I programmed myself to attempt to make eye contact with and smile genuinely at each person I pass on the street, and not to avoid any of them as I had previously done. At first, this increased stress and anxiety, but after five years or more of doing it, every smileback or hello I get helps me AND them. Now, I'd like for the "hi" that I try to say back to come out with sound and not as a silent subvocalization, but baby steps...

Thanks Varelse, a lot of insight there! A few things really stood out:

This is interesting; a lot of autistic people seem to do this. I certainly have. It used to calm me down; it now tends to do the exact opposite by invading mental space that I would rather be using for something else. Actually being able to stop doing it would be wonderful.



Now, if the weather here weren't so miserable I'd be in business! This time of year that feels like going for a swim in icewater.



I did the same thing, and it actually helps a lot. I can fully relate. Only tricky thing is there are some places where doing it gets you in trouble, but like you said; baby steps.

I'm already living a life that is escapism personified, so it takes an awful lot to put me on edge, let alone bent out of shape. Having said that, when those rare moments do roll by, there a few clean cut mellowing out strategies I have.

The first is straightforward and simple: Human Comfort.

It varies from time to time, but my favorite is this one.

1.) I adorn my Totoro onesie.
2.) I invite my furry loving lover round.
3.) She gets naked, and cuddle/snuggle atop the bed.

The second is less straightforward, and is in fact extremely dangerous, as it involves projecting my Autistic gift inwards instead outwards, putting me at considerable risk of slipping into a permanent coma, though I'd likely die from dehydration long before it got to that point.

... what?