How to spot a manipulator?

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Overly friendly
Love bombing

Hi Laeti,

I misinterpreted you. I hope you will forgive me.

Have a nice day.

Love bombing?! No I do not love bombings thank you very much.

Guilty. Next.

I'm sorry to hear that. Take your time.

I have read, some time ago, a "dictionary" about gestures' interpretation.
A lot of gestures have a uncertain and / or difficult interpretation: ...%, but some gestures are very typical and easy to recognise.

There is one gesture typical of manipulators.
It is very easy to recognise, typical, indubitable, also confirmed from my experience and i want to share this with you.
I did not find a picture, so i will try to describe it with words as best as i can:

Two joint hands,
the thumbs and the indexes in the shape of gun (quite symbolic by the way),
thumbs under the chin and the indexes stretched out in front of the mouth,
the other fingers remaining crossed.

This is a typical hands' position of a manipulator, thinking and trying to find out a way to trick you...
... understand: "time for you to escape!"

(i hope it is understandable, a picture would have spoken louder)

"Just block me" after you have disagreed with them

"You lied, good bye" after refusing to tell them your home address. Lied about what, you wonder.

"You think I am boring and I am a boring person" and logs off and you never even told them they were boring

"I love you, I have to see that naked picture of you because it turns me on so much, I have to see naked pictures of you" and you still refuse to take a naked picture of yourself to show the creeper and then he goes "you're mean"

Someone acts like they love you and then they act like they hate you or resent you and then they act like they care about you and love you. They will also say critical things to you and out you down and then say positive things to you and do positive things.


I have had all these things happen to me except for the first one, I just read it in a blog and the blogger's ex husband who is a narcissist and a psychopath did this to their son because he told him to stop spamming his (son's wall) wall with politic stuff and the father got mad and told his son to just block him and his son told him to chill. The blogger had a screen shot of that chat in her post and I read in the comments it was a manipulation tactic the ex did. So that is something new I had just learned, when someone does that after you didn't agree with them, they are trying to manipulate.

The problem is not so much being able to spot manipulation, but in seeing manipulative behavior where there is none. Seeing manipulations everywhere is a characteristic of a conspiracy theorists' mindset.

For instance...

... are you being "ghosted", or is the other person simply tired of your pathetic whining?

... did someone deliberately lie to you, or were they lied to by someone else without knowing it?

... are "they" conspiring to keep you from getting a girlfriend, or are you simply unattractive to women?

... is someone "gaslighting" you, or is it that your memory is faulty?

Manipulators make you feel guilty and lower your self-esteem.
(sometimes in between compliments in order to hide it better).

Last edited by LaetiBlabla on 25 Feb 2016, 3:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

People often feel guilt for no particular reason. Same for anger, fear, joy, and sadness.

Emotional manipulation is the primary tool of salespeople, politicians, religious leaders, teachers, parents, leaders, conspiracy theorists, "psychics", and people in relationships. No one can make you feel anything without your cooperation. If they can not manipulate you, then they will reject you and move on to someone else.

Focusing on the facts when others are trying to provoke you into an emotional response will likely inspire them to label you a "jerk", a "troll", "anal", "stupid", or even "manipulator".

All of this I learned in a Salesmanship Defense course at a local community college.

Do you think that "Conspiracy theorists" are manipulators?

From my experience, distorting facts, is very much typical of manipulators, not "focusing on facts"

An other manipulative technique is :
tell 3 truth in incorporate 1 lie in between, in order to have the lie appear as a truth.

Those are very good points. How can you tell? That is why people fall into abusive relationships and don't leave.

Also, someone who is always getting offended and upset with what you say. Are you just too insensitive and say too many hurtful things or are they just having a tantrum because they can't take any slight criticism and correction and the fact they are doing it for control

Your friend or parent tells you something negative about the person you are dating or the friend you have, are they trying to get you to leave them and turn against them or are they just concerned for you and want you to know the truth so you are aware? Are they trying to break you apart because they are jealous and want to hold you back or are they just concerned and they know they are not the right person for you and they can see through that person that they are bad news and they don't want you to be their victim? Do they want you to leave them because they are abusive and an as*hole or are they just trying to break you apart for no reason by making up lies?

Your partner cries all the time, are they just having crocodile tears to get their way or are you just a very mean person or is that person just very emotional?

The person is always the victim of everything and people are always screwing them over, do they really have sh***y luck or do they just have very poor judgment and are not very smart so they make the same mistakes again and again and not learn from them and they don't ever take responsibility for what happened to them?

A person tells you a sob story when they are asking for help, are they just making it up to get money and free stuff or do they truly need help so they are telling you their situation so you know why they are asking for money and free things?

A homeless person is begging for money, does he just want drugs so he is pretending to be homeless or is he truly homeless and he wants money so he can eat or buy something like a pair of hat and gloves?

A person gets upset with what you say, did you really say something wrong or are they just playing a game or are just paranoid or have mental problems or just simply too sensitive?

A person threatens to kill themselves, is it a cry for help because they are really in that state of mind and feel that way like they have no hope and can't deal with it anymore or are they just having a tantrum to get their way?

A person tells you they will kill themselves if you leave them and tell you how they wouldn't be able to cope if you left them because they would get so depressed they wouldn't be able to function, do they really feel this way or are they just trying to emotionally blackmail you?

A person threatens to leave you, are they really thinking about breaking up with you, are you abusive, do they really want to break up with you if there is no change or are they just trying to control you and manipulate you to change and they really have no intention of leaving you?

Person uses their past to justify their actions, are they really doing this to hide behind what they are doing to get away with it or is this just an explanation so you understand where they are coming from?

Overly friendly, are they doing this to gain your trust so you feel comfortable with them so they can do what they want like rape you or take you off somewhere or just simply steal something from you for money like your wallet or anything they can pawn off or is it just because they are socially awkward and they don't really know how to approach people and don't understand personal boundaries?

Love bombing, is the person really a narcissist and they are just doing it to charm you so you will fall in love with them because they are this great person and then they will slowly take off their mask or are they just desperate people who really want a relationship so they want to please you and because they have never had a relationship before?

A person who appears to be naive and innocent but yet they do weird and creepy things and bad things (Chris Chan for example or David McGill that PBS logo guy from Texas), are they really doing this because they are clueless and don't know what they are doing or are they just hiding behind their naive and innocence just to get away with their bad behavior and they know what they are doing but they just do not care?

A person always has to check in everything you are doing and what you are talking about on the phone to your friends and family, are they doing this because they really have anxiety and trust issues or are they really doing this for control to try and cut you off from friends and family?

A person tells you you wouldn't be able to do this or that or you wouldn't be very good at it, are they really doing this to be abusive and to hold you back and to keep you from succeeding or are they really telling you the truth so you won't waste your time and then be disappointed for wasting your money and time?

A person tells you how misunderstood they are, are they really being misunderstood, are you really misunderstanding them or are they just saying that to get you to doubt yourself and question your own beliefs about them and their actions so you wouldn't know their agenda?

Your partner just stops answering their phone, had they ghosted on you or are they just giving you the silent treatment and doing it for control?


And this here might help, there is a saying, "if everyone is an as*hole, you're the as*hole." Now my question is, what if it was half? Does that mean you are an as*hole half of the time? I also read "if everyone is a narcissist, you're the narcissist" "If everyone is manipulative, the problem is you."

If you don't run into these problems all the time, then it's not you, it's those people.

Last edited by League_Girl on 25 Feb 2016, 5:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

When you are always available to help others, when you are generous, when you believe others probably have good intentions all the time, then you attract manipulators because it makes you an easy pray for them.

This unfortunately makes autists a good pray for manipulators.

Most of people have a certain percentage of manipulative behaviour.
Manipulators have a higher percentage of manipulative behaviour and they have disreputable objectives, leading to hidden destruction of others.

As you say, if i understand you well, understanding the purpose, with critical mind and logic is important.
Therefore, i put myself in the shoes of the other person and wonder would i say and do that, and why?

It's a survival skill. Beautiful in itself, to me at least.

Sing, dance, laugh,... and survive.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tth-8wA3PdY

(off topic)