Aspie and NT communication patterns

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Hurtloam, I love melodic heavy metal; feel free to PM if you want to chat

I won't do something I hate for company either. I'm happy to try new things though.

I text close friends frequently because I want to connect with them personally, and not necessarily discuss interests all the time. I want to understand them, and I want them to understand me. Although the details of their lives can get boring at times, I can usually find something I want to know. Or, I want to know how they feel and why, if they want to share. Or, I want to help solve a problem, or hear their funny or happy or sad stories.

That said, there are absolutely lots of times I do not feel like being social. Sometimes I force myself, sometimes I'll send quick texts back, and sometimes, I'll put off responding. Sometimes they say this drives them crazy though

Mikeman7918, ADD sounds like quite a challenge when you want to focus on something that isn't fascinating. I can only imagine how hard this must make daily life sometimes.

JBW, you said elsewhere that your work unites professionals of many fields. I think that's awesome! It also sounds like you've found your purpose.

Are all your friends engineers or scientists? I'm curious how you would interact with a non-scientist. Would your friendship be about hobbies or shared experiences, or would such a friendship be too boring or frustrating?

KraftieKortie, that was interesting about the small talk of some African cultures. I'm glad I don't live there, although I do find myself stuck in boring conversations while networking. I've been told I should start with trivialities like the boring acquaintances we know in common, or the schools, groups, or classes we attended. I'm happy enough if we find one of these weak connections though, as people seem to like them. Or maybe they're faking it too.

Yes, I am extremely grateful about the professional connections that I've managed to build up over time, especially for the fantastic distributed team of like minded perfectionists that I've been able to group together as a small business. I work out of my home office 75% of the time, and within our company no one needs to wear any social mask. That keeps me sane.

Being self employed is essential. As an employee in a traditional corporation I never fitted into the social context at work; all the silly social posturing and games were unbearable; admitting to gaps in understanding or asking questions that highlight risks or dysfunctional processes was frowned upon. As a consultant I am one level removed, I have colleagues who act as the Aspie-NT interface, and I am valued for asking questions that others don't dare to ask.


Beyond work, my contacts are limited to my small all-Aspie family and a couple of people I go windsurfing with. The latter are like best friends, but entirely domain specific. We meet to get out on the water, not to talk. If we talk it is about the wind, waves, and weather, tied to the activity at hand. In my world "small talk" = few words

Then there are a few Aspies that I've met online. We write each other detailed emails every now and then, to learn from each other. I consider myself very lucky in my current situation. It took me more than forty years to figure out how typical humans operate, and to learn how to protect myself from toxic interactions.

Funny, i didnt read whole thread and sent someone a PM with pretty much the same point of view, and after scrolling down it seems to have somewhat got lost on said individual, and as mine was twice as long as yours i think she may be so lost she may need rescuing! lol

I am the same way, I just don't have much of an attention span for things that don't interest me. I can try but it won't last long and will burn me out.

This is just so interesting. I can't do anything with someone unless they are a friend first. The ones that are your acquaintances that you do things with and then later wish they might turn into friendship don't want to be friends and that's why it doesn't happen. NT's do the opposite - they make friends first then go do things with those friends.

That woman I mentioned had no friends - she ended up marrying an Aspie. It's not that I'm judging, I think it's because to me it seems narcissistic. They keep saying they want friends, but only on their terms and friendship is a give and take. If two friends have different interests then one time you both so something one friend likes then the next time it's the other friends turn to pick. If you do things only the Aspie likes, how is the NT going to be happy? I do things that I don't particularly like with a friend because I know they like it and it makes them happy and then we do something I like. However, if a friend and I like the same things then of course there isn't a problem. It's kinda like if you are married and your spouse wants to have pizza, but you want Mexican - you do one that time then switch the next. It's give and take. Aspies can't do that?

So that is what happens then - you get tired and have to recharge? I think I know what you mean. Like if I were to try to sit through an opera. Lord help me.

So that is what happens then - you get tired and have to recharge? I think I know what you mean. Like if I were to try to sit through an opera. Lord help me.


yes as one answer, the best way i can explain such a situation is having a 5 minute mundane conversation with someone recently and it was the equivalent of doing a none stop 9hr car ride, i was literally exhausted! I like the person and am happy to listen to anyone, its just my biology can only handle certain things at certain times depending on my energy levels. However if a conversation is of a great interest and these interests might differ from normal day to day interactions i can often get a sudden reboost of energy and excitement, however due to the previous encounter it will still leave me like im feeling half asleep after the stimulated conversation has finished.

OK, then how do Aspies get through college when they have to take the boring classes? I hated college algebra and stats but I had to sit through it and force myself to study for several hours a day just to understand it.

I dropped out.

Yes, I think you're getting the picture. I only initiate conversations with people that I share an interest with. Networking events for example are hell. I prefer to attend workshops or conferences on very specific topics, and as needed I organise such events in order to meet the kind of people that I know will appreciate exchanging insights about those things that I deeply care about. Once a shared interest has been confirmed, especially if it is one of my special interests, it's like a green light signal, and the discussion can get very intense and long, and I can completely lose track of time.

You are absolutely correct, the Aspie friend making process is the reverse order of the process you describe. If what you describe is indeed the default approach for most NTs, it is a very good explanation of why many of the "tips" from NTs to Aspies simply are not applicable or counter-productive from the Aspie perspective.

If I am in a situation where I have to start a conversation with a stranger, I feel compelled to outline the some of the things I'm interested in, so that the other person can do the same, and so that we can check for any overlap. The process is very fast and direct, and probably perceived as uncomfortable and awkward by many NTs. In most cases there will not be much of an overlap and the conversation will be short. Yes, I've learned a few scripted phrases to do a minimum amount of NT small talk, but as others have pointed out, that process is very draining.

Also i think many aspies that have interests in academia are literally ""interested"" in their field and study extensively because it is an interest. Others have interests outside the curriculum and therefore their interests lie there and can often drop out of college, or they could be interested with a subject, but the overload of dealing with so many people mixed with the added stimuli of flourescents, or bullying etc can be too much to handle.. But Nt's often drop out also, so its not subject to just those on the spectrum, its just a lot of the time it for entirely different reasons. and as its a spectrum many individuals react to varying stimuli in different ways and intensities leaving the door open to an entirely broad range of why some do and some dont.

In my case I actually rarely study (as in, I have studied for about 10 minutes total this school year, and this includes the time spent memorizing the names of bones and muscles in biology). I have an unusually good long-term memory (although I'm no savant) especially for images and to a lesser degree for sound. If you show me something or tell me something then I will be unlikely to forget it any time soon, on a test I could just reference a mental photo of what was on the white board when the teacher was talking about that topic and play back audio clips from the lecture from my memory. I also enjoy subjects like math and science (refer to my interests in my forum signature) so I enjoy a lot of my classes because I am just nerdy like that. For the other classes I am able to do OK at the beginning of the year but as the year progresses I begin to burn out until I can barely focus on it at all, although even then I can often retain a lot of what is said. I don't know exactly how much of this is because of autism and how much is because of ADD, but that's my experience.

One of my Aspie friends could remember everything I had said from the beginning that we met since I had texted it to him. I was astounded! He said everything exactly as I had said it in my text like a computer! I was jealous.

I sometimes forget a few small details but often when a friend tells me something I'm like "yeah I know, you briefly mentioned that 2 months ago when talking about this other thing". It is indeed quite handy, although it comes at the expense of my short-term memory being absolutely terrible. When I wake up in the morning with the intention of doing my laundry then it won't come to mind again until I walk in my room that night and see my dirty laundry again.

OH GOD- I do this alllllllll of the time.

Warning: Wall of txt ahead (I always talk in these monologues.... my bad!!)

After seeing someone get a bit hurt about me not remembering their last name (I knew other stuff about them! I'm just horrible with foreign last names!!) and then someone else being offended that I couldn't remember what flowers they were planting based on our last convo they got slightly sad/offended/surprised. It was then I realized that NT talk ISN'T just for like "hearing themselves talk about nothing". I really thought that NTs just talked about nothing; and also nothing more than information was being exchanged/nothing OTHER THAN information was taken from a convo... and that they just liked to "talk mindlessly".
I was blown away to find out they:
1.) Expect you to remember s**t
2.) Had other meanings/motives for such small talk
3.) Were secretly exchanging other meanings by performing said "small talk" (I say performing because it's like a dance really)
4.) Wanted something other than pure information.

I still marvel at this and a few other ideas. I would engage in small talk very often, and I would try not to stab myself in the face with the nearby sporks at the lunch counter out of sheer and utter soul-crushing boredom. I wanted to be polite- I really did, but then I gave up, and thought- man one day, I will die- and if I have to waste even one more second talking to this lady about how every other year she rotates between tulips and gardenias in her garden or that she has to clean her pool this weekend- and ugh that will just take so much time and she has to go to home depot because when she went to lowes they didn't have the chlorine tabs with the high enough percentage for her pool- I thought ... the quote:
"Hell is other people" fit my feelings perfectly. I also thought- this is SO not worth it. Diminishing returns for like every second after t=5 secs after the start of a small talk conversation.

I HATE SMALL TALK
I just dislike talking in general if it isn't substantive or meaningful or intellectual or abstract/interesting to me.
I die a little bit on the inside listening to people talk about stupid dull or inane stuff- just too boring and I don't care.
Of course I don't mention or say any of that... but it's how I feel on the inside.
Also, if this were like one person once a day then eh maybe- but you have to look at the scope of the problem- EVERY SINGLE f*****g PERSON is like this that I encounter EVERY DAMN DAY- it's like ... idk,

Imagine you had a reallly unpleasant job- like mucking horse s**t out of stalls- and you were okay with it- didn't come naturally at first, but over the years of doing this unpleasant thing- you get used to it build up tolerance for said s**t; however, it becomes an issue when every person wants you to muck their stall, not just once or twice but every time and maybe for more than one horse! And only occassionally or rarely do you have the pleasure of what you really like about that job- playing with the horses or brushing them down in a clean stall afterwards, but it almost never happens because alas that is your lot in life- & you just don't like horse s**t.

And I mean we are all horse owners, and we all like horses, BUT somehow NTs just loooooove mucking (maybe because they need to and they like clean stalls & horses too), and Aspies generally don't (they just like horses). And if this metaphor seems far-fetched, and "nothing like small talk- it's not THAT bad."
Well, then I would say that's the point exactly- that's what it's like- for me anyway.
I recognize everyone's different, but small talk and not-special interest talk especially repeatedly or when overwhelmed is similarly near-thankless drudgery.