When NTs say "oh I'm like that too"

Post Reply New Topic

I HATE those comments as well. First of all, I know that EVENTUALLY it will all just be fine. It might take me three weeks to be fine again where it might take the person saying that to me ten minutes. And I also hate it when people say, "At least you have XYZ." That is like telling someone, "You should not be upset your mom died because at least you have a nice car." REALLY?? What does one have to do with the other?

I understand the concept of being grateful for what we have and I believe in it and I don't think we should be a bunch of ungrateful jerks. But I also believe that if I am struggling with something, I should be allowed to be be validated in my struggling and whether I have something else that is nice or not should not matter at that moment. What it does when people say that is stop or interrupt the actual process of getting through the struggle. And with us, as Autistics, processing things, especially emotional or sensory things can be very difficult and can take an enormous amount of time. So for someone to just shut that process down with stupid words is very destructive. Of course I am grateful for the nice things in my life but right now, I need to complete the processing of this particular struggle that is happening. It does not make me ungrateful.

Ivanka Trump once commented about how infuriated she was when someone told her, "Must be nice to never have any pain." I kind of know what the person was saying and I personally don't like the 1% of the 1% people, especially Donald Trump, but I can certainly understand and empathize with Ivanka on this one. Just because they have more money than God does not mean that they never struggle with anything or ever feel any pain about anything. She felt that the person was particularly stupid to say what he said and I agree. It kind of feels like that when people say those things. It's a very insensitive and uneducated thing to say.

Last edited by skibum on 26 May 2016, 12:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

"College is hard for everyone" oh I must be lazy then and would have to try harder. I did try harder in 7th grade and got straight F's and that was without having any extra help so how is college any different? It's harder than high school.

"All second graders get distracted with noise and sounds" oh then why did so many kids in my second grade class get done with their school work and always had free time while I was still on my second assignment?

"Getting a house is stressful for everyone" oh I wonder how much their anxiety impacts them for when buying a house, it must be all normal for me what I was going through

"I think everyone would be nervous about going through security at the airport" this was actually said to me by another aspie but I wonder how many people out there would have anxiety they have meltdowns everyday and every little thing annoys them because of the anxiety and every little interruption sets them into a screaming mode because their coping level had dropped because of their upcoming trip in a few weeks so it's been giving them lot of anxiety. Is this normal?


Honestly people don't always know what they are talking about. Maybe they are doing it to make you feel better so you feel more normal with yourself or maybe they don't even realize how bad it is for you if you don't say how it's affected you. Lot of people think anxiety is just being nervous but it's more than that. I have no idea what it's like to be nervous and not have any affects from it. It seems to be an empty word for NTs because they say they are nervous but they are still acting normal so what the heck. I don't see that as being nervous if it's not affecting them and their functioning. It's like people just choose how they feel so they have all these empty words they use to describe situations and they pick a feeling. That is not how I work. I don't pick feelings.

I also hate when people say, "Such and such is hard for everyone." I know it is, but even so, it's a lot harder for me. If it was the same hardness for me as it is for the ever elusive "everyone" my struggle would not be as noticeable as it is. It would just look like the same as everyone else's and I probably would not have the diagnosis that I have. The fact that I have this diagnosis, by definition, should show that things are harder for me than for "everyone." And I also find it really rude that they could think that I am so out of touch that I don't think that things are hard for everyone. But in that light, they have not clue about how hard it can really be for people like us.

I edited a post that I wrote on another thread last month and shared it with my psychologist. After I sent it I thought of something else I would have liked to have written in it. That always happens, usually I think of great stuff after the fact when it's too late. Anyway, one of the things I was talking about in the article was how I hate it when people tell me to focus on my strengths and on the positives and to focus on what I can do rather than on what I can't do. I explained how I have to do that all day every day of my life. If I did not focus on what I can do rather than on what I can't, I would probably have been dead a long time ago. But what I thought of later that I should have added was that for us as Autistics, and I am sure that there are other categories of people who are like us in this, but because am Autistic, I will speak from the point of view of an Autistic person, we have to constantly actively and consciously focus on the positive and on what our strengths are often times every day just to get through the day intact or we won't be able to get through the day.

And I know NSA's will say, "Oh, we have to do that too." But it's different. An NSA might say that they had to really draw on their strengths when the baby was screaming and dinner was burned or when something major happened in the day. And they can usually get over it pretty quickly. Some people might just have a glass of wine and sit down and in a few minutes they are fine. But for many of us, we are in that crisis mode all day for every little thing that most people take for granted and don't even notice. I have a friend who also has HFA/Asperger's and we were with an NT once trying to help her understand what it is like for us. We were talking about our proprioceptive issues and this kid, I think he is 16, was explaining to her the extraordinary amount of effort it takes for him to make himself a cup of coffee in the morning. He shared that after I explained how I often have to take a nap after having a simple meal because of the effort it took for me to make the meal and to eat it.

People who don't struggle like we do don't understand how little it takes to put is in "Crisis Mode" and how often that happens to us in a day and how long it takes for us to recover because we are so sensitive to our environments. We could be in that mode many times a day and many days a week. So someone who only experiences that mode every blue moon does not realize how we rely on on strengths and positives ALL THE TiME or we would not be able to get through much of anything. So for them to say that becomes really frustrating. I have to dig into my strengths and positives just to get out of bed and survive each day and exist. I know how to do that. I don't need them telling me to do that when I am in a deep situation. In fact, when people find out that I have had regular, and when I say regular, I mean every few weeks, suicidal thoughts since I was ten years old just because daily life can be so overwhelming, they often wonder how i have managed to live to be this age. It's because I know how to focus on my strengths and positives. It's because I know when to pull them out and use them and when to allow my body to go through what I have to feel in order to process the extremely difficult periods without interrupting the process. This allows me to complete that process enough to pull out of it and get through the time intact. If people interrupt that with their stupid comments, it makes it much more difficult for me to pull through because now I have to deal with processing the impact of the comment which adds a layer of complication and difficulty.

Last edited by skibum on 26 May 2016, 12:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

And you know what else I hate? THIS F^^^^^^&^T&%^$^$*^%$*LY ANNOYING CAPTCHA!! !! !!

Seconded. I'd written a post yesterday that took me a good half hour to pull together, and that bloody cloudcrap thing said "just one more step......" which was a complete lie, it just went round and round with more stupid capchas. I would like a word with whoever is responsible for this sorry state of affairs. End of off topic rant.

^I always copy the messages I send, just in case. Or I just go back one page and copy it that way. I hope that helps!

Sometimes it seems like people don't get how badly school is affecting me. The guidance councilor here seems to have chalked up most of my problems to 'it's the end of the year'. Seriously? Even though she read a long list that I made of all the problems I'm having [including meltdowns, difficulty breathing thanks to smoke and perfume, and crying at school, after school, and before bed], that's all she can say? I'm not mad at her, but I'm mad at myself for not being able to explain things clearly enough. Argh!

I think one of the problems is that many people always want what we feel to be "good" or "positive" and they will go to whatever lengths necessary to put a positive spin on everything. That interrupts and even stops the processing process. I don't need everything to feel good, I need everything I feel to be real. That way I can deal with it and process what I am really feeling. It is honest and I can do what I need to do to get through it. It might not look pretty but it is effective and it keeps me alive. If everything always has to feel good or positive, I won't be able to process it and get through it. We survive by dealing with things head on and not pretending they are something other than what they are and if that process takes a long time than that is as long as it takes.

Unfortunately for me, a lot of people who are supposed to support me don't know about my problems or overlook them or think that I can handle school and everything anyway. I just don't know how to explain things enough.

I understand what she is saying and where she is coming from because many kids who are "normal" can burn out by the end of the year. That is what she thinks is happening to you. She does not realize that daily existence and just living daily life is such a challenge for you because of your Autism. She can't understand that you have a layer of added difficulty that is not like anything she has ever experienced. I think it would be great for you to invite her to visit us here at WP so that she can see for herself when she reads some of these threads. I think it is always a good idea for teachers and parents of Autistic kids to come and learn from us here directly. That would make a big difference.

And good advice for the captcha, thanks!

Last edited by skibum on 26 May 2016, 1:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

^The worst part is after her bit about the end of the year, she said that she understood how I felt and all of that. *Sigh*
That's actually a great idea! Thanks for the suggestion! I'll see if I can get someone to take a look at this forum.

She sounds like she is good hearted. She probably really genuinely believes that she does understand and so I think she will really be moved by reading some of our posts and threads. If she does I believe she will make great efforts to listen to you and really hear you and to support you. If she does come here tell her to let you know and we will be happy to help you explain your situation to her.

Exactly.

I've been guilty of doing the "everybody's struggling with this" thing. That said, that's the way I've always been treated myself. It's perhaps a cultural thing. I'd never heard the word invalidation before joining this site.

I don't have a diagnosis. I'm waiting to see a psychologist. It'll be a long wait.

I think everybody who ever had a chronic illness relates to this problem. It's a spoon problem. As Skibum said, of course you'll get over it - the question is when and at what cost? And will it send you over the edge emotionally?

However, sometimes people on this site seem so isolated, so convinced that all NTs have perfect lives and that everything is so easy for them, and that is just not true. Also, people can convince themselves that there is something wrong with them because they struggle with something, as in feeling guilt, and that is just not healthy. Sometimes it can help to know that others have, perhaps not the same problem, but a similar one. I see just about everything as a question of degree. But a lot of people suffer from limited imagination, so they have no idea quite how bad things could be for someone else. Also, some things are life stages that everyone has to go through, it's just that it is much harder for some people.

I am much less sensitive to sound than your average person, so I could never understand why people were making such a huge affair out of it. I really thought they were drama queens. Talk to me about bright lights, though, and I'm the drama queen.

Everything you say is true and I agree with all of it. Sometimes when I am struggling I will remind myself that everyone struggles whenever it is appropriate, helpful, and healthy to do so.

I know that some people actually do think that NT's have no issues but you are right in saying that that is not the case. Everyone on the planet has issues and struggles, to not have them would not be human. Even all animals and plants have struggles and issues. Every life form does. I think the difference in the context here is that often times when people say that phrase, it is meant as a way to get people to just quickly get over whatever they are going through and to minimize the struggle and just think about positive things so that they can just very quickly get over it and move on. This prevents them from going through what they are going through in a complete, healthy way that will eventually lead to healing. Yeah, you don't want the opposite extreme where people just dwell in the mud and wallow in it for the sake of wallowing. There are people who are stuck in their own pity parties and want to invite everyone to be in there with them. But I don't think that is what we are talking about. That is a whole different issue.

I think it is healthy to feel things as completely as they need to be felt in order to process them and to be able to heal from them. Minimizing them in order to speed up the time it takes can be very dangerous and can lead to grave consequences down the road.

KraftieKortie
I just find it annoying when the first thing an Aspie says is "maybe the 'NT' you're talking about is actually an Aspie in disguise."

I mean, when my cousin was about 10 or 11, he went to a racing car show with his family, and my uncle filmed it. My cousin is definitely neurotypical, I know that, but he spent the whole time watching the racing cars with his hands over his ears because it was way too loud. His brother or any of the other family weren't covering their ears, just him.

I bet now after posting that true bit of information, I'm going to get a load of posts saying "are you sure he's neurotypical?"

NT's can definitely have sensitivities as well. Nothing in Asperger's is exclusive to just Asperger's. And as far as your comment Kraftie, it's possible that the person might also be HFA/Aspie or be undiagnosed and have strong traits. But if that is the case, it would reveal itself pretty quickly if the conversation continues.