Wishing you had no conscience
This is the kind of person I used to be.
I used to be like a sociopath in my ability to move on from things despite being a nice person at heart, but I guess society taught me that I should apparently act concerned at every tragedy.
Meistersinger
Veteran
Joined: 10 May 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,700
Location: Beautiful(?) West Manchester Township PA
I think I only have such wishes not because I truly want to be a psychopath, but more because I was unemotional when I was younger, like when I was 9-12, which for me was a period where I had outgrown the cry-baby tendencies of childhood and did not have teen angst yet, and when I learned to be more emotional, I wasn't prepared. You see, I come from one of the world's most emotional countries, and it's hard for said emotionality not to rub off on me.
Children, overall, do not have that kind of burden -- social responsibilities, guilt...
Teenage years? Ahh... It might started there. Could be environmental, or entirely biological.
As an adult, I'm trying to figure the illusions of ... (What's the english equivalent a for 'Sosyal-sosyalan??' ) And about humans in general. All for learning's sakes.
But the concept of guilt is an unwanted part I end up having.
I don't know when exactly I have it, probably sometime during my worst years full of anxiety. At first, I thought it's the same thing until some time years ago. I get no anxiety for past and possible future faults anymore, but I still have guilt.
And it's progressively getting worse... Even worse if one had no means of 'fulfilling compassion'. Or hell if compassion is making one guilty.
Mind telling me which region you came from? People there might be more lenient than you let on. Or more hostile.
_________________
Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).
Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.
Children, overall, do not have that kind of burden -- social responsibilities, guilt...
Teenage years? Ahh... It might started there. Could be environmental, or entirely biological.
As an adult, I'm trying to figure the illusions of ... (What's the english equivalent a for 'Sosyal-sosyalan??' ) And about humans in general. All for learning's sakes.
But the concept of guilt is an unwanted part I end up having.
I don't know when exactly I have it, probably sometime during my worst years full of anxiety. At first, I thought it's the same thing until some time years ago. I get no anxiety for past and possible future faults anymore, but I still have guilt.
And it's progressively getting worse... Even worse if one had no means of 'fulfilling compassion'. Or hell if compassion is making one guilty.
Mind telling me which region you came from? People there might be more lenient than you let on. Or more hostile.
While I idealize my preteens, at the same time, I acknowledge that if I lived my preteen life in my teens, I would be traumatized. I mean, people made fun of me in my preteens, but you don't see me crying about that because I lacked the ability to cry about anything for more than five minutes. Then again, maybe the change was not biological, but social. After all, I've been pubescent ever since I was 10, but I experienced the fun parts first, if you know what I mean. During childhood, my peers only knew how to laugh at what they could see on the outside, during my teens, they had the Trump-like ability of figuring out someone's weaknesses/secrets and using them to make that person cry. Psychologists call that being an empathic bully. I swear I have lots of what-ifs that make me wanna listen to Turn Back Time by Aqua: maybe this could all have been prevented if I went to a better school as a teen or something, because during my preteens, I went to a preppy school where my classmates were upper middle-class/rich Chinese kids despite me being ethnically Filipino and where there was an English-Only Policy. I guess that's why in high school and college, I was shocked by the fact that I was locked out of hell for too long. Maybe I should have been homeschooled, because you can't expect such a moody and hormonal adolescent to blend in with society. By the way, I'm from San Juan, Metro Manila. (Oh my God, that was a novel of a response.)
Luzon's NCR and nearby is where practically the most hostile kind of Filipino. Much so at upper class.
But you ARE right with the most emotional country in the world part. If compared to western, people here are more social, more irrational, more illogical, more chaotic... But overall, it's more inclusive -- if there's no extreme prejudice or some form of extreme kind of intolerance in your region.
I'm from Nueva Ecija. In a HUC-canceled city of Tricycle Capital.
According to several adults and seniors I've talked to, everything they experienced is comparably harsher in the capital and nearby -- socially speaking. Though nearby could've been more lenient. Then add modern generation's attitude, then you might understand why...
I'm not suggesting you to move, I simply say that you're living in one of the least socially inclusive region in the country, also one with the highest kind of social expectation.
As for my past? My worst years? I'm laughing at it.
Sure I'm in a more inclusive and lower-class setting, but my bullies are looking at my oddity than anything, enough to isolate myself and wasted 2 years. So I'm still bullied for being an unaware autistic. In my childhood, in my teenage years, perhaps behind my back sometime at college.
In my experience of getting over anxiety, or at least that constant feeling of worry, my memories of my worst years are insignificant if not laughably pathetic. I no longer have the 'what-ifs' and paranoia of error that I used to have. Still, that's just my experience of no longer remembering the feelings of said memory.
Still, I need a remedy for my blown-out-of-proportion conscience. My morality doesn't match my conscience. Even if logic agrees, and my moral code agrees, my conscience doesn't. And if, IF I find out how or why, I might able to tell.
_________________
Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).
Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.
http://personalitycafe.com/general-psyc ... ppier.html
I created this. I feel like my traumas were pointless because I had it made the way I naturally was, dammit. These traumas only made me shallow and anti-intellectual. There's a reason why one of other people's favorite college insults for me was pabebe.
"Marc, Marc, pabebe, Marc, Marc, Marc, pabebe''- Someone once sang these lyrics to the tune of the sax riff of that song.
More about my situation: viewtopic.php?t=307787
I sometimes wish I didn't have strong emotions about certain things.
_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed and ASD lv 1.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses. Possibly OCD. Is very private about herself.
Children, overall, do not have that kind of burden -- social responsibilities, guilt...
Teenage years? Ahh... It might started there. Could be environmental, or entirely biological.
As an adult, I'm trying to figure the illusions of ... (What's the english equivalent a for 'Sosyal-sosyalan??' ) And about humans in general. All for learning's sakes.
But the concept of guilt is an unwanted part I end up having.
I don't know when exactly I have it, probably sometime during my worst years full of anxiety. At first, I thought it's the same thing until some time years ago. I get no anxiety for past and possible future faults anymore, but I still have guilt.
And it's progressively getting worse... Even worse if one had no means of 'fulfilling compassion'. Or hell if compassion is making one guilty.
Mind telling me which region you came from? People there might be more lenient than you let on. Or more hostile.
While I idealize my preteens, at the same time, I acknowledge that if I lived my preteen life in my teens, I would be traumatized. I mean, people made fun of me in my preteens, but you don't see me crying about that because I lacked the ability to cry about anything for more than five minutes. Then again, maybe the change was not biological, but social. After all, I've been pubescent ever since I was 10, but I experienced the fun parts first, if you know what I mean. During childhood, my peers only knew how to laugh at what they could see on the outside, during my teens, they had the Trump-like ability of figuring out someone's weaknesses/secrets and using them to make that person cry. Psychologists call that being an empathic bully. I swear I have lots of what-ifs that make me wanna listen to Turn Back Time by Aqua: maybe this could all have been prevented if I went to a better school as a teen or something, because during my preteens, I went to a preppy school where my classmates were upper middle-class/rich Chinese kids despite me being ethnically Filipino and where there was an English-Only Policy. I guess that's why in high school and college, I was shocked by the fact that I was locked out of hell for too long. Maybe I should have been homeschooled, because you can't expect such a moody and hormonal adolescent to blend in with society. By the way, I'm from San Juan, Metro Manila. (Oh my God, that was a novel of a response.)
Like, I pretty much gave in to the pressure to cry about every single tragedy in the world and not to make dark jokes. I was happy the way I was, why did they have to change me?
I often feel bad about past events that (belatedly) inspire guilt; I have a very long memory so some are quite old. It's silly, really. In primary school I stole a girl's coat and threw it in a puddle because she said something mean to me. I then proceeded to further climb down the ladder of gutless coward and blamed the entire incident on one of the few friends I had. Uh, the things I did.
_________________
On hiatus thanks to someone in real life breaching my privacy here, without my permission! May be back one day. +tips hat+