Women...

Post Reply New Topic

I see value in what both somanyspoons and nurseangela said. I am married to an NT woman, and nurseangela's description of what NT women want, even the sarcastic "hunny" parts, is almost identical to what my spouse has told me (and complained about). However, aside from the value I found, her original post WOULD come across as condescending to Aspie men as it points out shortcomings that often impact Aspie men -- but not every Aspie man. Finally, in calling herself "Miss NT," she assured herself that she'd upset a large portion of this message board simply by typing any subsequent sentences

I told the OP I would stop derailing his thread. I suggest you do so as well. If you have something to say about dating and healing from heartbreak, that would be useful. This is not useful.

If you want to address me personally, the correct avenue is through a PM.

To the OP. I hope you start feeling better soon. Take it easy and be true to yourself. Try not to become cynical about relationships. Your next match might be standing right around the corner.

Howdy. I actually use that line "it's me, Miss NT" because it rhymes and it's true. I use the phrase in a lot of my threads that I start. The parts that sound condescending were actually to come across as factual from listening to what other Aspies have said. I can see where you would think of it as condescending to a point and I didn't mean it to be.

Question: why should identifying myself as an NT be upsetting? I guess I could say I was Aspie. Would that be better? I believe my father is Aspie, so maybe I am 50% Aspie. Idk. I have some traits, but flunked the online test.

How am I derailing the thread I'm talking about a topic that is addressed in the thread Responding to you who is derailing the thread isn't really derailing the thread. Again, since I already addressed you personally it be kinda pointless.

I haven't been diagnosed yet so could well be NT. I do know I have social anxiety & depression but this is something I definately wouldn't mention to a girl for a long time. Why mention anything that could potentially put a girl off. My advice is to not mention it for months unless she specifically asks. Just try to stay true to yourself and let your NT mask slip if you have one ( easier said than done ) so if a girl still likes you after months of non disclosure then she either has no problem with your quirks , is blind to them or is too polite to mention them. There obviously comes a point in a relationship where you may feel "this is the one" , I think then it might be time for full disclosure but obviously may make or break your relationship - if it breaks then she's not the one.

One more thing . all woman are different and have different wants and needs.

I agree with Nurseangela, mostly. Of course all people are different, but spending time doing hobbies and talking to your partner is important! People want to feel loved and appreciated.

In future, this type of thread belongs in Love and Dating. If the OP is seriously feeling wounded but not open to topics about more love and dating, the Haven might be good.

If I wasn't open then I wouldn't have posted this thread. I've just been listening to everyone fight nurseangela. But, yes, perhaps this was the incorrect forum.

Glad I could be of some amusement for you.

Anyone that comes onto this website and attempts to portray an entire subset of humanity, like female NTs, needs to adjust their opinion to include one person; themselves.

To the OP: It really does hurt when that person we thought we were getting on quite well with suddenly tells us how we have been falling short all along. I've had to sadly realize that those things they are telling me that need improvement are not options but permanent features.
You can't really be humorous if its not in your hard wiring but maybe you can accumulate a couple humorous stories to share that you find in current events each week/month. And most important, even if it doesn't come naturally, consciously try to put a smile on your face. Work at this until it feels at least a little more natural. It's amazing how people will react to that on a daily basis. I totally agree with some great suggestions here to join a meetup with social anxiety people or introverts. My aspie features include both and I tend to not want to socialize too often. That way you can get your downtime.

I can't tell a joke to save my life---but I can be unintentionally humorous.

That's the key: being able to laugh at yourself.

This is how I see the situation - when I ask someone here a certain question regarding Aspergers and they answer me, I am taking their answer as coming from the entire group of Aspies and that is until another Aspie comes on and corrects them with a different opinion. Where this thread is concerned, so far I am the only NT female that has answered (for the group of NT females). If another NT female wants to come along and correct me by inserting her opinion, then that is fine. But if there is no one else except me answering, then for the purposes of this thread I would be representing the group of NT females. There are commonalities within groups. Just as someone in this thread verified that most of what I said in my post was the same as what his NT wife had said.

Yes, I will try to smile more. It just looks so fake and mechanical. Will do some practicing infront of the mirror. Yes Kraftie, people think I'm funny when I'm not intending to be

I'm not saying you should "fake it" LOL

I'm saying just "be yourself." And laugh at your foibles.

I have some peculiar quirks. And I laugh with them. My attitude is: I have quirks---so do you--so let's move on!

As people get older, people are able to laugh at themselves, and are able to see themselves in other people. They realize that not everything can be perfect. They know that perfection is a pipe dream. They endure, and learn from their mistakes, and maybe even laugh at them upon later reflection.

@ OP :

I've always had a lot of similar issues, not just in love but in my social life in general. I also seem NT at first but the illusion is gone after a while. And people are really scared of that. The love of my life is a NT man and I don't think that I would have believed in the past that this could happen. There is a very strong connection between us but I've always had to work hard (we were even separated for more than a year partly because of that). I'm aware that a few things can look quite scary to NT people. For them, it's their fear of the unknown that pushes them out of their comfort zone. No matter how strong their feelings can be, fear can be overwhelming and make them run away or say hurtful things (something that they might regret later).

The thing that helps the most, to me, is to learn to connect emotions with body language. No matter how powerful emotions can be, it doesn't help if you don't think about expressing them through words and body language. NT people do it instinctively, not us. For example, I had to learn to smile if I'm happy. Even if I have to force myself to smile. It's still expression of genuine happiness even though the smile itself isn't spontaneous. And plenty of other similar details. If you take courses for salesmen, they explain communication techniques and body language very well, and I can say that it's been extremely useful to me, I really made progress with these techniques. It's like "looking NT for dummies"

The other thing is that if you've got sensory issues (like me too), don't wait until sensory overload happens. It happened in my relationship and I can guarantee that there's nothing better to make a boyfriend / girlfriend freak out very badly. I think that is the most disturbing part of autistic traits to NT persons and it's absolutely necessary to take enough time to explain your girlfriend about that (even more if it happens with touch or other intimate activities) but without sounding too dramatic, which is the most complicated part. If you have sensory issues, the first time your girlfriend sees that, she'll freak out anyway, but not quite as much as if she didn't know before, maybe enough so she might not run away and take enough time to learn and understand.

The main thing that's causing problems to you more than anything else is not just being aspie but being both aspie and very introverted. Introversion itself causes a lot of problems. (I personally see it all around me, as I'm relatively "social" for somebody with a lot of autistic traits, I enjoy being be around people as long as they're genuinely sweet and with some compatible interests and that helps a lot ; and I've realized that many aspies have it much worse than me in that regard) It's said that introverts and extroverts complete each other but honestly, I can't even see how an extreme introvert and a social butterfly can be together. But the good thing is that now, Internet helps so it's easy to want to date other introverts only, and why not even be picky if you're at least somewhat open to long distance, even if it's only temporarily (let's be realistic, if you're open to long distance you may find someone much more easily). If you're exhausted after socializing, dating an extroverted woman is masochistic, and most women you'll date IRL are extroverts. You're only going to hurt yourself more and more even if you force yourself. It's totally unhealthy.

Good luck !