Can't feel "in love." How to fix this?

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AspieWanderer
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17 Apr 2017, 11:55 am

friedmacguffins wrote:
So, you have prioritized sex.
I do enjoy it. It's part of a relationship.

But I'm looking to be with a woman I can connect with and who can help me become more "normal".

I have found that the more time I hung out with others, the more "normal" I become. That's because they help me improve and fix issues. For example, someone may help me with my emotions, someone with how I dress, someone with how I handle social situations, etc...



friedmacguffins
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17 Apr 2017, 12:07 pm

Is is possible, that the roles of sex partner and therapist should be compartmentalized, so that she is not unfairly receiving mixed signals?



friedmacguffins
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17 Apr 2017, 12:35 pm

These are just suggestions, not marching orders. The responsibility is on you.

I can be considered rude, for objectifying people, or associating them with some basic, social function.

Say what you think is sexy, in a positive way. Be polite, praiseful, or even exuberant, within a particular field of interest.

But, go elsewhere for advice, on how to think. And, it's just advice. I am not responsible for anything, I am typing, here, because I don't suffer any consequences from it. I am not entitled to my opinion, just talking about it, in an abstract kind-of way.



itsme82
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17 Apr 2017, 3:44 pm

AspieWanderer wrote:
itsme82 wrote:
Would you really feel much more for her if she lost 30lbs? Hmm, I dunno if that would explain why the difference between her and that other woman a few years ago where you did feel a bit in love.
I don't really know the answer to that. But I need to start eliminating reasons for not feeling attraction or connection.

Actually, that other woman had even more weight to lose. But she was very open to doing physical things together (walking, tennis, etc). Also, our personal chemistry was through the roof IMHO.


So this doing physical things together thingy helps you feel more love? Or why do you mention it? :)

PS: You can stop thanking me for my answers lol. No need to put that in every single post of yours :)



AspieWanderer
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19 Apr 2017, 3:12 pm

I was sure I posted an answer, but I can't see it now. Let's try again...

friedmacguffins wrote:
Is is possible, that the roles of sex partner and therapist should be compartmentalized, so that she is not unfairly receiving mixed signals?
I do like asking for help from the experts. I have done this in the past, and will continue doing so. However, experts will usually "talk." Spending time in the field and learning from experience is also valuable. We need both book smarts and street smarts.
itsme82 wrote:
So this doing physical things together thingy helps you feel more love? Or why do you mention it? :)
Because sharing experiences helps us connect. When there are things we can do together, that helps facilitate bonding.



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20 Apr 2017, 3:47 am

AspieWanderer wrote:
I was sure I posted an answer, but I can't see it now. Let's try again...

friedmacguffins wrote:
Is is possible, that the roles of sex partner and therapist should be compartmentalized, so that she is not unfairly receiving mixed signals?
I do like asking for help from the experts. I have done this in the past, and will continue doing so. However, experts will usually "talk." Spending time in the field and learning from experience is also valuable. We need both book smarts and street smarts.
itsme82 wrote:
So this doing physical things together thingy helps you feel more love? Or why do you mention it? :)
Because sharing experiences helps us connect. When there are things we can do together, that helps facilitate bonding.


So essentially your answer is yes. :)



Nambo
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20 Apr 2017, 5:16 am

I am very romantic, would love to fall in love more than anything in the world, but I cannot, I have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder as a result of a nightmare childhood.
I share the view that childhood abuse and neglect affects the brain in the same way that Autism does.making the ability to form romantic attachments equally difficult for those with Autism.



Dear_one
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20 Apr 2017, 5:17 am

There are many kinds of love in Greek. They clearly differentiate between feelings for God, brothers, and spouses. Some of these may be easier to access than others if there are difficulties.
Regarding sexual love, which shades off into romantic, etc. science has recently discovered a key factor, nerve zero. The nerves are numbered according to the order in which the senses they transmit developed and made a pathway through the skull. The nose was considered the first, but it actually shares a hole with a smaller, older nerve to a separate, specialized set of scent receptors. Their job is to find you a mate who smells as little like your mother as possible. This, of course, discourages inbreeding. However, it also makes mutual attraction a total lottery. The more attracted person in a relationship loses power. If it is totally one-sided, they get banned as a stalker. If both have very high attractions, you get a story-book romance. Most fall in between.



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20 Apr 2017, 5:22 am

Nambo wrote:
I am very romantic, would love to fall in love more than anything in the world, but I cannot, I have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder as a result of a nightmare childhood.
I share the view that childhood abuse and neglect affects the brain in the same way that Autism does.making the ability to form romantic attachments equally difficult for those with Autism.


For that, there's Neuroplasticity. Norman Doidge's books are very encouraging. I've been trying to buy a PONS device to help with my PTSD, and all I'm getting is news about how much money the company plans to make off them, when it gets all its ducks lined up. <sigh>



brains.thesis
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20 Apr 2017, 9:00 am

Hello I was in your similar position not too long ago and now I've broken out of it. I was like you, trying to think what and how love is. Awareness is indeed the key but not the logical type of awareness but perhaps a type of awareness where your brain is able to comprehend to the point of able to expression of love. The best way I can describe love is this. It feels like an adoration and whenever you see that person's face and pay attention to his or hers facial details and expressions you begin to feel gushy. If you're a guy, a feeling of wanting to protect her. Perhaps you should give my article a read.

viewtopic.php?t=340210



friedmacguffins
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20 Apr 2017, 3:28 pm

I have been banned, even from some rightist forums. So, consider this your trigger warning.

Depending on your culture, the woman is the weaker vessel and socially-subordinate.You're making her into your minder.

If it's ok to say that you're not turned-on, by physically-unfit women, or just feel blasé and neutral, what about her biological role. Can't her bossiness be a physical turn-off, since we're just talking about body chemistry, and not rationale. This discussion doesn't pertain to the merits of her arguments, which may be perfectly valid.

It's like the Madonna/Whore complex, in which she is completely dedicated to one purpose or another. Isn't your nurse-type person a kind-of mother? It doesn't mean to treat your Mom-substitute like a jerk. Don't be bad, to her. It just means different people for different roles.

Perhaps, this was an autistic answer, for being so abstract and suggesting only one thing at a time. Maybe, a more-normal person would say it, differently.



AspieWanderer
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20 Apr 2017, 3:40 pm

friedmacguffins wrote:
Can't her bossiness be a physical turn-off
I don't believe I have mentioned the girl is bossy. Or where you mentioning it as a general example?



friedmacguffins
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20 Apr 2017, 3:44 pm

Not in the sense that she is demanding, but that she is leading you by the hand,. as a sort-of guide or mitigating influence or helps you to be more-collected, mentally.

I don't mean to imply that she is bad, in any way.

Just, maybe, you don't respond to that, physically.



friedmacguffins
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20 Apr 2017, 4:01 pm

People hate being friend-zoned, usually.

But, if she does not have to be your all-in-one stop, she may be the cerebral one, and not the hottie.

She might not want to be seen, that way.



AspieWanderer
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22 Apr 2017, 8:08 am

friedmacguffins wrote:
Not in the sense that she is demanding, but that she is leading you by the hand,. as a sort-of guide or mitigating influence or helps you to be more-collected, mentally.

I don't mean to imply that she is bad, in any way.

Just, maybe, you don't respond to that, physically.


Naaahhh... I love it when someone helps me become a better version of myself. So, I definitely appreciate the fact she is helping me. I like to think I'm helping her in some ways as well (I feel she could use a bit more rational thinking in her life).



Gypsum
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23 Apr 2017, 3:40 am

Keigan wrote:
For myself it is in my DNA, I'm just not wired for it.


Alexithymia affects 10% of the general population.

Wiki for Alexithymia:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia

An online test and forums for Alexithymia:
http://www.alexithymia.us/test-alex.html


Crap i just got a 137... Although i feel maybe the questions don't really fit how i am, so i probably answered oddly.
I feel great affection for the people i really like. I just don't know i would call it love. People throw it around a lot, so the meaning is skewed.

Family is different. We are family.