Were you always 'different' ?

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Yes, I was different from others my age, starting when I was quite young. It was a catch-22 for me. In some ways, I was far advanced in certain skills (reading, comprehension, science, math, history), yet far behind in social ones (could not keep classmate friends, awkward at conversations, etc.). My teachers at that time really did not know what to do with me. Some wanted me to skip multiple grade levels due to where I was intellectually, while others wanted me to stay behind because I could relate best to those younger than me. Unfortunately, I paid a huge price for it when we moved to a new state when I was in 6th grade. The other students zeroed in on me being different and thus the bullying started. After that, I was too concerned with stopping my bullies (and getting revenge on them) to pay attention to the majority of the real differences between us.

i don't know if the mid 2000s are long ago enough tor quietness, reserved tendencies and stimming to be labeled as 'shyness' or "being a weirdo", but that's what it seemed like. i never even heard of "autism" until i was in jr.high by 2009.

that's really cool and sweet of your grandma to do. kinda wish my grandma would have done something like that.

hid did you react to it at that time?

Definitely. My diagnosis came at age 3, because my preschool noticed within a few weeks of starting that I only played alone, refusing to play with other students and "used toys in unusual ways". I could read but didn't talk a lot. When I did talk, it was quiet and fast. I had speech therapy and social skills groups, but they didn't help much, possibly because I was so little. When I reached elementary school age, I already felt different. Most of my classmates weren't interested in the same things I was. Back then, it was cars and dog breeds. I didn't like dolls until I was older and perhaps too old for them. I was never really good and playground games, so I definitely didn't fit in with the other kids during recess. My only "friend" was my neighbor who was mentally manipulative of me, but was well-respected and would stand up for me when I got picked on (when she wasn't the one doing the harassing). I think I'm going on a little too much now, but yeah, I always was different.

I feel that if I have ASD I keep it so well hidden I don't fit in either camp ( ND or NT ) , Whether that's something to do with comorbids or not I don't know.

It's a weird feeling almost like i'm a fraud , I've suffered a lot of mental anguish but I feel that I have not suffered enough to identify as ASD but suffered too much to be NT

You're not a fraud; your ASD manifests in a unique way.

I'm not a fraud just because I've learned to function okay in the world. It took some practice.

At around 3-4 years of age i realized that something was different about me, due to the rejection i've experienced by other children for being too weird. In fact, it was so bad that even the parents shunned me and forbade their kids to interact with me. I never understood what was wrong with me, of course. I felt like i was being punished for something i couldn't control.

I didn't mind the painting. It was fitting and stayed in my grandmother's living room for years. Now that I have a home, I have it on my wall and I appreciate it even more post DX.

QuantumChemist,

Your strengths and weakness profile in school is identical to mine. I was well ahead academically, but well behind socially and I was something of a klutz at sports. I was badly bullied in junior high, okay in high school, but way too busy studying in college to get out there and make friends. I think the lack of a driver's license inhibited me in seeking social contacts. Most activities in college involved alcohol, and I wasn't fond of the idea of slogging into the classroom with a headache.

I moved again half way though high school, so the bullying changed greatly after that. The bullies at the new school concentrated on name-calling, with very little physical violence, something that I could tolerate there. I did not get my drivers license until I turned 18, so like you, it added to my social isolation. (I failed drivers education on purpose as I hated the teacher and made him mess his pants by passing a parked car with only a inch of clearance on his side at 30 mph. You could say he freaked out about it. That was done intentionally to get even over the treatment I got from him in gym class. )

Like you, I spent most of my time studying for my classes in college. I am allergic to alcohol, so it made no sense to me to do something (drinking alcohol at parties) that would put my life at risk. To me, I did not "understand the fun" of it. The few social gatherings that I was required to attend due to school are the few times that I interacted with people outside of a classroom. Most of my college classmates at the time were either too drunk/stoned or too concerned with their own courses to mess with me.

Nice of you to say KK , my assessment cannot come soon enough. My emotions are so all over the place regarding the assessment I couldn't tell you how I'm feeling - it's feels like a mixture of anxiety & excitement ?

I always suspected that there wasn't something quite right with me. I was always very loyal to my closest friends, but to anyone else I was seen as unhappy, quiet, distant, boring and aloof. I never learnt how to speak about a variety of subjects as my interests were usually rather obsessive and narrow.

Even though I am most grateful for the life I have been given, I do feel neurotypicals take for granted what they have available to them. It's unbelievably difficult to fit in when you have a mind without borders.

Yes people often thought there was something different about me.

I don't know if people thought I was different. No one said anything but I sure got teased a lot (red hair, glasses and bad at sport, what's to expect?).

My mum told me I was different to my three sisters as a baby - I had a newborn cry long after I should have changed to a regular baby cry. And I used to hold my hands in front of my face, move my fingers and stare at them like that for ages. My main form of entertainment.

A bit different.

I only realised I was 'different' when I started school and was treated like an outsider. It was other people - teachers, children and sometimes their parents - who made me feel like I was 'wrong', and that made me retreat into myself.

I've often been criticised for being 'in my shell', but why would I want to engage with a world that is so hostile to people who don't fit a particular mold?

Yes... but kids in the early grades didn't notice so much. From 4th grade on, my life turned and never resumed its former course... in that making friends would always be a struggle and I would never again be able to feel that I really fit in. For a little while, I thought I was just another kid.

Yes. As soon as I was old enough to even notice differences at all, I realized I wasn't like other kids, and that they realized it too.