I'm finally finished with myself, as is my mother.

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Yeah, I live in California. I think the real issue here is that conservatives like those in the South don’t really care about the most important issues and would rather go about talking about racism and politics and whatnot. California is a pretty liberal state, and I attend a public high school. Too bad your mom won’t let you go anywhere at the moment...

The trouble is, really, is that "kids will be kids." They are naturally wired to seek to break the rules; it's a part of growing up and learning, really. But at least some of that has to be curbed---especially that which harms others.

Instead of putting down these kids, these kids should be gently, yet firmly, guided in the right direction.

I have a DD your age.

While this totally blows chunks for you, your mother is over a pit full of alligators.

In my state, alternative high schools don't start until age 16, and you have dropped out of the regular high school system to start that or be an emancipated minor.

Not having a 14 year old getting some kind of schooling is a speed dial to CPS in my state. If parents throw up their hands and say, "He won't go. I got nothing." The kid gets put into a residential treatment center foster care home. I would literally die if that happened to my DD. The fact your mother hasn't said f**k it and let you roam feral (believe me, that would be easier), means she still has a few f***s to give about you.

If I give you my magic wand, and you could instantly make all this better, what would you change? Where is your anxiety roaming free? What about life is shutting you down? Transitions? Where is your anxiety going crazy?

Overwhelmed just getting up for school/getting dressed? Where is the panic?
Overwhelmed by getting onto the bus or car? Why?
Overwhelmed by walking into the school? Why?
Overwhelmed by walking into the classroom?
Overwhelmed by walking to the next classroom?
Overwhelmed by just being in class?
Overwhelmed by doing homework?
Overwhelmed by being around your peers?
Overwhelmed by being around teachers?

You can't answer that the world is s**t and so are other humans, so why bother. While that is a funny answer it's not useful.

There are work books on dealing with anxiety and depression. While not as good as a in real life person, it gives you a jump start. A good therapist would ask you the above questions (or something very similar), so it doesn't hurt to mull them over. And you are smart! You can do this much.

Look on Amazon for the work books, and look at the reviews. If you can't afford to buy one, the public library can probably get a copy to borrow.

I know mental health services are total dog s**t in Texas. It might be a case that your family makes just enough above the poverty line to be ineligible for help.

When you put a reason/name to the "I can'ts", those become more manageable. Part of therapy is starting to whack the anxiety boulder into small chunks. It's work. It may not be fun. It is worth it.

Good luck!

Does the school know about your issues? It seems unreasonable of them to allow a mere four days of absences a year. Even mainstream schools allow more than that, in my experience. There really should have been a meeting of some sort with the school - I know you don't have an autism diagnosis, but you have other diagnoses, right? There must be certain allowances that they can provide for special cases. I'm pretty sure you have rights as a mental health student, federal rights that even Texas can't deny. I'm going to look into it.

So do you think maybe you have something like agoraphobia (a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed)? Have you tried anxiety medication like Xanax? Whenever I take it, it takes the edge off enough so I can go to school or wherever else like the dentist.

DD means "dear daughter" in textspeak.

At 14 eh? That's also the time that my mom ranted the same thing all over. And the very times I wanted to give up. The very tipping point of my worst years.
No one knew I've been anxious and depressed -- all they knew is that I couldn't take it anymore.

My decision then? I withdrawn -- stopped going to school and going out. All I did then was eat, sleep, and eyes on the computer monitor all day. My mom didn't forced me to get out of that, she let me be.
It lasted for about 2 years... Then I made my decision at 16. I took my mom's rant to an extreme -- of helping myself -- mostly because I'm grateful that she did let me be withdrawn instead of forcing me out, and she couldn't understand my problems even if she tried.

I was driven by the love of my family... And the hate towards others. I decided to help the former as much as possible, and become stronger than the latter that I'd forgive them enough to cater them.

I went and figure myself out. Eventually, I overcame anxiety and depression once I figured WHY is that. I overcame the weakness against chaos that dealing with it won't cause anxiety on daily basis. I figured my senses and how my mind works. Then I start moving on, through transitions and to another... And growing instead of dealing with the vicious cycle.

No therapy or meds offered? Let's just say my household can't afford professional help. So I had to make sure that I'm not metamorphically drowning for real just because everything is all about behaviors and outcomes -- therefore I choose to adapt, not only by action and control but also internally to rise the odds of having the right outcomes without trying too hard.
Partially because I literally can't afford dealing said cycle, and partially I refuse to live a life like that.



I turned out fine with my decision.
I'm not sure if you would or anyone else would be with the same decision. But it's possible to break out from that cycle. It could happen anytime, based on your support and your own actions. It could be before your adulthood, it could be at your seniors when you're done with everything. It could be, well, never.
It's just the odds, and others may give you insight to it -- your choice whether take a shortcut out of meds, or take a long, slow, and painful path -- both decisions are a gamble, but your own means is to change the odds.
And, I live somewhere else. Therefore, it may not help given your situation and on account of those around you.

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I hope everything goes well with you, Masakados.

You are not a failure. And you'll never be a failure--as long as you don't give up.

I hope the medications you will take will help you, with few side effects.

I'm glad you're getting excellent advice from people who might understand better than me.

I have faith that you will do well. I hope you are able to be homeschooled, and to obtain your GED when you're ready. Or even a regular high school diploma. And go on to college.

You're much smarter than I was at 14. You have lots of potential.