Do you lack empathy?

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This has turned into a pretty interesting thread. I don't agree w/everything that's been said, but it's been educational, for me anyway.

I wanna continue on the issue of the empathy of NT's in relation to everyone whether NT or ND. Some of you have described the games you see NT's playing re: empathy as something they use to manipulate ND's emotionally, and probably each other as well. Some of you have also said you think empathy for alot of NT's means conforming to their unwritten social rules, which is something I've read at least alot of people on the spectrum have difficulty with. I know I do.

The following, I'm lifting from another thread since I think it fits in here. Partly due to what CBT therapists call "cognitive distortions" (negative self-talk) that I have, I can easily get upset particularly at other people and my feelings can go through intense cycles of fear, anger and sadness toward them, especially when I feel I'm being mistreated. Or if I end up having to deal w/the (usually negative) consequences of their actions or if I feel they're not acting in a way I feel they should. I react this way in part b/c I usually try very hard myself to be an empathetic (or at least sympathetic) person, I've always been that way, it's something I got from my parents (one of whom may've been on the spectrum). And when it's not reciprocated, at least from someone I care about and think I have a fairly close relationship with, I can get very upset about it. I sometimes feel that the responsibility for adapting/changing should rest w/the other person, particularly NT's rather than myself in this regard.

I've been told that that is unhealthy, even toxic, thinking and at times I really don't know what to do about that. The reality is the world's an unfair, cold place and few people actually care about how you're feeling or how you're doing in general. And I simply haven't yet been able to come to grips w/that, in part b/c my own small social support system really doesn't meet most of my emotional needs.

So I guess I'm wondering do any of you find NT's in general not to be empathetic or only selectively when they either feel like it or they have some opportunistic or self-centered reason to do so? I know you can't make someone feel what you're feeling any more than you can make someone like you. But it seems to me like empathy at least toward our community, or again even by most NT's toward one another, is simply lacking most of the time, toward most other people. Am I wrong about that? If so why and how? And if not, again why and how?

It just seems that most people define empathy as "caring, understanding, considering the feelings of others, social imagination and giving a damn about people", but in this world where a lot of people seem selfish, ignorant, judgemental, etc, it's hard to think that these people have empathy.

I mean, no matter how normal I act and how trendy I dress, I still get people (particularly females) stare at me as they pass, even though I am not looking at them, but I can see in my periphery and I can feel it too. I don't think they even care how self-conscious it makes me feel, and the shyer you look, the more people will stare for some reason. But social anxiety is common among people so you'd have thought people would think "maybe she's socially anxious, she is giving off signals that say 'I prefer to not be looked at'," but instead they still stare, while I go around NOT staring at people because I don't want to make people feel self-conscious. I mean, I have always been told that staring at someone can make them feel uncomfortable and so it's socially unacceptable.
But that's not all. Sometimes I cancel plans because I'm afraid to leave the house. Some days I feel more self-conscious than other days, and I can wake up and think "no, I can't face being judged by passing strangers today", so I have to phone my friends and tell them that the shopping trip is cancelled (and then feel guilty for letting people down). I bet people who stare don't think it can have that affect on me, or if they'd even care. I don't know what they think they're gaining when staring. I don't know what people want from me.

Also not everything NTs do is intentional to manipulate other people's feelings. Take noisy neighbours for example, who have loud music all night or some other unnecessary noisy activity. They're not usually doing it to spite their neighbours (unless they have some sort of conflict going on). They usually do it because they're inconsiderate and selfish. And there are lots of other things NTs do that seem completely oblivious to other people and their feelings.

I don't think so. I can be very sensitive to others' feelings and be emotionally affected by them myself. I seem to be particularly sensitive to the feelings of other disabled people and to situations where disabled people are being judged or treated unfairly.

Joey wrote (on page 2):

"Being autistic means you lose most situations, whether you're doing the ''right'' thing or not, then you get a lecture about empathy and s**t. I mean, if you was the lady who was in a hurry and said ''excuse me'' to other shoppers who were standing where you needed to go, I bet your mother would still lecture you and say, ''that is very rude of you, this lady was there first, wait your turn.'' So in either situation you just cannot win.

The lecture what makes me laugh (laugh in despair) is this one:-
Aspie is having a bad day and is also in a hurry.
A salesman in the town tries to sell the Aspie something but the Aspie ignores him. The salesman feels upset because of the way the Aspie ignored him. An NT who is with the Aspie says, ''that salesman looked upset, that was very rude of you to ignore him. You could have just said 'no thank you, I'm in a hurry' or something!''

Now turn the situation around:-
An NT is having a bad day and is also in a hurry.
An Aspie salesman in the town tries to sell the passing NT something but the NT ignores him. The Aspie feels upset because of the way the person ignored him. An NT who is selling stuff with the Aspie notices he is upset and says to the Aspie, ''I know that person ignored you but he wasn't being rude, just not everybody feels like being stopped by salespeople and he might have been in a hurry or was having a bad day or something. You should know that.''

So basically NTs are allowed to act out their emotions and Aspies just have to take it and consider their feelings and thoughts all the time, but if Aspies act out our emotions NTs are allowed to take it all personally and we get a lecture that we are being rude and thoughtless. The lecture to an Aspie is: ''You should think about what could be going on inside other people's heads'', but the lecture to an Aspie is also: ''You can't expect other people to think about what's going on inside your head, they don't know you.''

This is one of the many reasons why I dislike being on the sh***y autism spectrum. This lack of empathy thing confuses everybody, and gets overused. Just like the word ''racism'' gets overused these days (but that's a different topic)."

Joey, I really appreciate your contribution to the inquiry on WP. This said, and I do not think/feel, actually KNOW autistic people do experience empathy (though I am not sure of every last autistic person on this earth), and I know you have empathy, as that comes across to me loud and clear in much that you have written on WP, but, to me. your message is the perfect example of why people think autistic people do not have empathy. so I would be interested in studying what you have written from the perspective of it being a possible learning tool.


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Idiots had the nerve to tell me that "you didn't seem to care"

f**k Gina shepherd b***h

Unless you express as much emotion as they think you should feel

They see themselves as perfect

But they act schizophrenic and bipolar