Why do people shame someone who is a virgin ?

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I was just wondering, was this thread created after seeing my thread about turning 30 and being a virgin still?

Well I am no longer 29, I am now 30 and still a virgin. But I am trying not to think about it as much. It does not help that I live in what is probably one of the most difficult places for dating in the entire world. It feels like not knowing how to swim and being surrounded by professional, world-class surfers from Southern California, Hawaii or Australia.

But to answer the question, people who regard themselves as normal think that adult virgins are weird. Many people think that they should be ostracised more than mentally ret*d people. A virgin is an "other", someone whom normal people think is deficient as a human being. Many normal people also feel a need to verbally berate and insult virgins.

I can attest, as probably hundreds of times by now I have been made fun of for this. For me, it is kind of like being made fun for my having brown hair instead of black hair like most people here, except the insults and verbals are orders of magnitude worse than just a hair colour comment.

Some people are too ignorant to know that there's more to life, than just sex. They can't see past the tips of their noses. Don't let their ignorance dictate the way that you feel about yourself.

In the old days single guys would "shame" each other for being virigns, but young single females would shame each other for NOT being virgins.

Apparently both genders shame you for being virgin nowadays. Interesting.

Except nobody would know unless you told them and if they have a problem with it that's their problem not yours. I had a date ghost me after I admitted I wasn't that experienced (I imagine her count was well into the double digits) and I was glad she rejected me because clearly she isn't cut out for a monogamous relationship. I can't say for sure but I am quite certain that the woman I dated before my wife and a former highly successful male friend I had were also virgins. The fact that I never found out for sure proves NOBODY CAN KNOW unless you tell them!! !

I have been rejected for being a virgin several times. Other times for being socially awkward, having Asperger's, being not 100% White and other factors. But the virginity thing makes things way worse.

Of course now I do not tell anyone. They try to pry open my personal life as much as they can, but I refuse. I stonewall when they start asking me those questions.

They can’t know for sure but during conversations about sex and relationships people can pick up that you are inexperienced either because it is obvious that you have no idea what you are talking about or are trying too hard to cover it up. This goes away as one ages. Older guys do not have the constant raunchy sex conversations guys in teens and twenties have, they tend to hang with their family or “family men” neighbors. Also people assume that by age 60 you have gotten laid.

In my case, even people in their 40s and 50s ask me. Over here it is common for everyone at any age to talk openly about their sexual encounters and ask other people about theirs.


At a meetup last month, one guy in his 50s said how he had not had a f*ck in a long time, and that he wanted a second girlfriend. Then he asked me about my sex life.

I saw him last week at a meetup, and he had what looks to be a new girlfriend again. Although this time I refused to talk to him.

May I ask where is over here?

I am not saying it never happens. If you get a bunch of older guys without family around it happens sometimes.
The conversation you mentioned is not detailed enough to pick up you that have no experience. If asked you can say you are in a "drought". That would not raise suspicion because pretty much everybody has droughts. You would not be lying, a lifelong "drought" is a "long time"

San Francisco, USA.

You make a point. If I reflect on this, probably well over 90% of the males whom I meet are single. Perhaps around 75%+ of the females whom I meet are single. I refer to all ages. There are a lot of men in their 40s, 50s and 60s who are single, have no wives plus no children or family at all. So my guess is that they have resorted to hooking up and sporadic relationships.

Like in another thread of mine, I had met a woman who told me that she was single and divorced. She said that she had graduated university in 1973. But then complained to me about how dating was so hard here, that she had been single during her whole time here, without boyfriend without sex, etc. I was quite taken aback that a woman in her 60s would blurt these things out to me unsolicited. But both men and women tell me their stories, sexual history, etc. and then turn it around and ask me about my own experiences.

One woman in her 50s told me that she never had been in a place where so many men in their 40s, 50s and 60s were single. According to statistics, San Francisco have the lowest birth rate plus the lowest percentage of children, compared to any other American city.

Big cities have more singles and San Francisco is a pretty open place about sex.

I don't frequent bars now but I did in my 20's and 30's and while guys single or not were pretty X-Rated but no women ever talked to me like that.

Maybe things have changed but I would assume if a woman ever was being that open with me she wants to hook up with me.

From what I have heard some women do not want the trouble of teaching a virgin, some get off on it.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 04 Dec 2019, 6:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

There have been a few rare occasions where women in their 40s and 50s showed interest. In some casual conversations, the topic would veer off into sexual territory for some reason. Over here at least, it seems like people who are age 40+ are quite ready to shame virgins, especially virgin males.

But you mean that women who are actually older than both of my parents are talking about sex to hint and initiating some kind of relationship?

In any case, now I try to avoid any sexual talk because virgin shaming is very real here.

Yes there are “cougers” out there. Husband is dead or can’t get it up anymore etc.

That could certainly be the case when I was younger (for example one guy kept talking about "head" and I had no idea what he was talking about and told him so) but I was only 21 at the time. All he did was explain what it was and I just said "hopefully very soon for me too". I guess in my case I didn't really talk about it but I didn't try to pretend to be someone I am not either as I didn't care.

I repeat: who gives a $#@ if they have a problem with that? They are doing you a favor so you can steer clear of their ignorant attitudes.

It's called displacement. They feel ashamed of themselves so they try to shame others so they won't have to face themselves in the mirror. It's the game ALL bullies play.

Because people see sexuality as a tool to boost their ego. Because they like to be as*holes to anyone they see "different"and "inferior".
Also someone i know became seriously ill because of his gf even though he had a stable relationship. I can't understand people who act like it's no big deal, it's literally being extremely vulnerable with someone?

If you want to know the extent to which virgin shaming is taken, I have been told multiple times from various people that having sex and getting STI's, even serious ones like AIDS and syphilis, are better than being a virgin who cannot get sex.