My Parents don't trust me to go anywhere.

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16 Jul 2020, 4:45 am

... It's a fate I've prevented myself from.
I've been attempting to go on my own behind my parents' back as young as age 5.

It didn't go without risks.
I've been lost at least twice in public, attempted to get around further than most parents would allow, hid and made everyone panicked at some point even.

I've been developing personal navigating techniques should my memory and attention fails, or that whenever I'm in a completely unfamiliar and overwhelming place.

Eventually, my parents realized I know my way on foot around at age 13.

I started with strict and focus based -- always eye on the guide and no touching anything and everyone while going out -- it also serves as my work around the environment's chaotic sensory stimuli.
But this is pre-COVID.

I don't know how to work that one around with ADHD without meds. And I'm not one to verbalize much.

As long as you're eyeing on your company/parents/etc, they'd eventually trust that you're eyeing on them instead of them having to keep eyes on you.
I don't mean that in a creepy fashion -- what I'd meant is that in a sense could somehow 'take care' of your 'watchers' back.

Would that convince them to worry a bit less or even persuade them to distance themselves a bit?

Had you tried this at some point?

And after attempting that, which may take some time; the exercise and communication to actually let you go alone as others suggested.

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Pieplup
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16 Jul 2020, 4:39 pm

Edna3362 wrote:

And I'm not one to verbalize much.

As long as you're eyeing on your company/parents/etc, they'd eventually trust that you're eyeing on them instead of them having to keep eyes on you.
I don't mean that in a creepy fashion -- what I'd meant is that in a sense could somehow 'take care' of your 'watchers' back.

Would that convince them to worry a bit less or even persuade them to distance themselves a bit?

Had you tried this at some point?

And after attempting that, which may take some time; the exercise and communication to actually let you go alone as others suggested.

I'm pretty sure I've stated multiple times I'm medicated for ADHD i don't knwo why it keeps coming up. and While I struggle to control myself without medication it's not imposisble for me either.

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Edna3362
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16 Jul 2020, 7:05 pm

Pieplup wrote:

I'm pretty sure I've stated multiple times I'm medicated for ADHD i don't knwo why it keeps coming up. and While I struggle to control myself without medication it's not imposisble for me either.

Off Topic

That not all posters, including myself, could just read and track every replies of the whole thread, read posters' contexts and retain on top of that?

And odds that said posters either had only read the threads title, or the first post, or somewhere not more than the first page of the thread or that every repliers didn't get enough info by doing so -- Does this answer your question why you had to brought up the statement of having ADHD meds multiple times?

I can sympathize that it's annoying to having to repeat yourself.

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16 Jul 2020, 7:30 pm

Edna3362 wrote:

Pieplup wrote:

I'm pretty sure I've stated multiple times I'm medicated for ADHD i don't knwo why it keeps coming up. and While I struggle to control myself without medication it's not imposisble for me either.

Off Topic

That not all posters, including myself, could just read and track every replies of the whole thread, read posters' contexts and retain on top of that?

It's just frustrating that and how everyone is acting like it's reasonable for my parents to completely overreact like this. They don't even like me using scizzors despite me having used scizzors since I was 5 with no probelms.

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16 Jul 2020, 8:04 pm

Pieplup wrote:

This is Horrible advice, and me moving out by myself is unlikely to happen anytime in the foreseeable future.

Well, to each his own. I've been using alcohol to comfort myself since I was 12. Yes, twelve. I started drinking because of my family's hyper-strict environment, and my therapist either mocking me or pretending not to know what I'm talking about when I tried telling her about it. One swig of whiskey lifted my depression more effectively than months of therapy.

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16 Jul 2020, 8:13 pm

Aspie1 wrote:

One swig of whiskey lifted my depression more effectively than months of therapy.

I was raiding my father's liquor cabinet when I was 8. I rather naively believed that if I replaced his whiskey with coke he wouldn't notice :lol:

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16 Jul 2020, 8:23 pm

Pieplup wrote:

I've seen far more responses saying it's unreasonable than reasonable. But Covid-19 does throw a short-term spanner in the works.

The post about dependancy was very pertinent. You're being set up to fail. You can't go out because you (allegedly) don't have the skills, but you don't have the skills because you aren't allowed out.

Most parents seem to assume their kids are permanently 3 years old. If you are more vulnerable in any way this is an even greater temptation for them. But it'll stifle your development and they need to see that.

I'll stick to my original suggestion which was to prove yourself reliable and independent in small steps, to build parental confidence. This will cause less drama than some form of flamboyant disobedience, and that's good, as melodrama = knee-jerk reaction from your Mom. If possible see if you can get other people on side to back you up, too.

Last edited by Redd_Kross on 16 Jul 2020, 8:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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16 Jul 2020, 8:25 pm

cyberdad wrote:

I was raiding my father's liquor cabinet when I was 8. I rather naively believed that if I replaced his whiskey with coke he wouldn't notice :lol:

I was replacing my parents' whiskey with water, provided that the bottle was more than half full, so the dilution wouldn't be noticeable.

But my favorite was box wine; as long as the box was full enough, I could pour myself an entire coffee mug of wine, and they wouldn't notice.

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16 Jul 2020, 8:26 pm

Redd_Kross wrote:

The post about dependancy was very pertinent. You're being set up to fail. You can't go out because you (allegedly) don't have the skills, but you don't have the skills because you don't go out.

Excellent point.

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16 Jul 2020, 8:30 pm

Aspie1 wrote:

cyberdad wrote:

But my favorite was box wine; as long as the box was full enough, I could pour myself an entire coffee mug of wine, and they wouldn't notice.

Yes of course, they wouldn't be able to gauge the volume difference after taking a swig.

My father also had old stone ginger wine. That was less caustic on my throat...oh the pleasure of childish stealth...

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16 Jul 2020, 8:31 pm

cyberdad wrote:

Redd_Kross wrote:

The post about dependancy was very pertinent. You're being set up to fail. You can't go out because you (allegedly) don't have the skills, but you don't have the skills because you don't go out.

Excellent point.

Benjamin the Donkey's observation originally - "learned helplessness" - spot on.

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16 Jul 2020, 8:34 pm

As a parent my greatest fear is bullying but everything in life is a trade off...

livingwithautism
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16 Jul 2020, 8:47 pm

I'm 30 and I can't go anywhere alone, but that's because I could get lost or into trouble.

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16 Jul 2020, 9:10 pm

livingwithautism wrote:

I'm 30 and I can't go anywhere alone, but that's because I could get lost or into trouble.

I don't know why but that actually made me feel quite upset. Have a virtual hug: [ ]

If you could practice, gradually, do you think you'd be able to work up to some degree of independence?

I don't know your circumstances and I don't want to judge. You may well be right - it is too risky. On the other hand you may have been told that so many times you believe it to be true when actually it isn't.

Everyone gets lost or in trouble occasionally. What matters is how you handle it to minimise the risks and get back on track. For example could you cope if you needed to make a bus ride but then the bus didn't show up?

The hardest thing for a parent to do is let their kid make their own mistakes. But it's also important. I think sometimes Autism is used as an excuse by over-protective parents to keep their children trapped in perpetual childhood.

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16 Jul 2020, 9:28 pm

I have the same issue. I have a full time job from the fall to the summer. (I work in a school so we mostly have summers off). My dad reads a lot of stories online about people being kidnapped (particularly women of my age) so he gets paranoid. He doesn't go searching per say, they're just there like on Yahoo and stuff. He always tells me that I could be walking up the street and get picked up by 2 guys in a van and thrown in never to be seen again. When I offer to go to an indoor place such as the mall, he tells me that I can go but that I should find a friend because the same thing happens in stores all the time. He says some people are out there just to kidnap and/or steal. They work in teams he says. One guy will distract me asking me where something is while the other steals my purse. Or perhaps, one guy will follow me around the store pretending to go shopping but then wait for just the right minute and have 2 of his men carry me outside and kidnap me. I don't worry about it, but he does. He says I can go out with my mom on her scooter if I want to go somewhere or go to the mall with a friend. Just don't walk around the neighborhood alone EVER. It's really annoying but I want to keep him happy even though he lives in my house which he sold me, so I listen and I obey.

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16 Jul 2020, 9:35 pm

Redd_Kross wrote:

cyberdad wrote:

Redd_Kross wrote:

The post about dependancy was very pertinent. You're being set up to fail. You can't go out because you (allegedly) don't have the skills, but you don't have the skills because you don't go out.

Excellent point.

Benjamin the Donkey's observation originally - "learned helplessness" - spot on.

It's not exactly learned helplessness but more a lack of trust. It's not that I cna't do it but they refuse to let me do it by myself. Secondly this might be a good theory except for the fact that Burning out at 13 really put a wrench in that. So no that's not exactly it. Thirdly, I dislike being helped to much for any sort of learned dependence to go into effect. They seem to get stuck on the fact that I struggle to do some things and think that means i struggle to do all things. It's also not forced dependency cause my dad also expresses interest in me getting a job. But I have to face the facts of my situation I don't live on in a universe where burnout is magically going to disappear and enable me to live my life the way I want. .It's not just my step-mom either. I burnout quickly trying to do things relating to my poor motor skills for long periods of time. Let's not pretend we live in a world where i'm going to wake up and be able to live on my own. I'm not being set up to fail if there was no possibility that i'd succeed in the first place. Which there really isn't when that's a thing. See the truth is I don't have the skills to go out in all situations.
So yes they are being over-protective no it's not going to lead me to do that anyway cause of I hate having people khelp me with things and I hate when people do that. I'll usually just end up doing it myself anyway.

I asked for advice not far-fetched theories with no basis in reality. And liek I said to that post. They know I can function on my own in certain things but don't want me doing so either way. I'd love live in a reality where I don't get tired insanely quickly by trying to improve the motor skills i'm bad at . But sadly that's not the world I live in. Secondly I also stated that it's not that I don't have skills it's more that they don't trust me to execute those skills without supervision. No one is capable of preventing me from learning skills except myself unless they just straight up lock me in my room. I might be being a bit harsh here. but SADLY i do not live in a world where raw intelligence is enough for me to get by regardless of my struggles. and SADLY burnout exists. It's stupid to act like i'd magically be able to. I'd love to live in a world where that's possible. but sadly it's not and even if I did work on the skills enough to be able to do things on my own. That'd take years to accomplish with burnout being a thing. So no it's not really learned helplessness.

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