People's reactions to adult autism

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Special, indeed, in the most beautiful sense of the word...Thank you for your kind words...

As an Aspie husband (though we didn't know it for almost 20 years) I encourage you to look for your husband's strengths--there likely are some useful ones.

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Thank you for your advice, coming from you, i take it to heart...Please note that i mentioned "capabilities" first and before "limitations"..."Capabilities" as synonymous of strengths...

In various posts here since i first joined WP in September of this year, i have written about his many strengths specifically...In fact, the reason that i always state "happily married to..." is because i do focus on his strengths...Of course, with less than two years of marriage, our marriage is a work in progress...And i acknowledge that i still have a lot to learn from my beloved husband and from you all here...

With your reply, you have given me a great topic to address in this forum as we fast approach our second wedding anniversary date...Thank you very much

For me, this thread has been a real breath of fresh air after all the anti-male prejudice in the world now. I am feeling less and less welcome every year.

Feel the welcome ..... feel the Christmas . And be happy for a new year .. it’s been a hard last 8-9 months
For the people on the planet earth. Hopefully the new year will be better .

Gee! You two are practically newlyweds! (Though I'll admit that even after 20 years of marriage the surprise still hasn't worn off. ) I wish you two many happy decades of amusing each other.

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THANK SO-O-O MUCH..."amusing each other" is the best way to describe the dynamics of a neuro-diverse marriage, indeed LOL

Post Script: I don't know about him...I can only speak for myself...And as to me, i did signed for decades, hopefully a lifetime together...

I hear you. I get "you're not Autistic!" from most everyone (medical providers and close family and friends - I do not share generally). I am "mild to moderate" AS and appear highly functional on the outside... at a high price as many of us know. Sometimes I doubt and I get really down on myself - why is it so HARD then? Then I decide I am and have grace for myself. I'm generally bad at explaining anything in person, so I would also have to prepare. My best explanation is that what's easy for many NTs (brushing teeth, getting groceries, talking NT-polite shallowness) is hard for me, and what's hard for them (spending four hours straight on a 1,000 line spreadsheet, calling out hypocrisy, talking AS-intense depth) is easy for me. I'm learning to articulate my differences (difficulties) with pride: "oh, I saw that at the time, but was not able to respond ... here it is ... and thank you for your understanding." (instead of the extreme shame I've lived with - it's still there "in spades" (whatever that really means) but I'm shifting...)

Rant: I had my primary doctor say "You're not Autistic!" when I mentioned I was pursuing a diagnosis. I said "Maybe not. Oh, by the way, sorry for talking to you about my recurring [personal] infection in front of your daughter when I bumped into you at a restaurant three years ago." AS, something else? I have yet to see her since my diagnosis b/c her office says I couldn't schedule my annual appt on my birthday due an office policy. I am sooooo pissed about that. And I'm still pissed at her colleague whom misdiagnosed me after I told him what it likely was at the very first appt. But noooooooo, how could I be right just after few months of observation of potential cause and effect. Many months later and I demanded treatment based on my theory and by golly it worked! Maybe, just maybe, I'm pissed about being an AS in an NT world. Maybe. Could be. No biggy, just schedule for later and forget about it, it's not like I ruminate on these things... for years. No biggy just suffer a few months of infections, it's not like I'm hypersensitive to it and everything.

Most "experts" are mostly fakers with a lot of self-delusion. If you do their work for them, you have to also figure out how to give them the credit, or they fear for their jobs.

Most of the reactions I get are , stone faced , or a non expression , they have trouble reacting to it , it would appear.
Best reaction ever got was a doctor trying to simplify things to me when he spoke . Which did not help ,have a extensive medical vocabulary .

Nobody in my family wants to hear that I am sure I have autism and how it explains my difficulties in life. From an early age, I could see that it's better for my family not to know that I have social problems outside of the family, because it causes them pain and discomfort. They just ignore it if I say it. My cousin makes fun of me and tries to out me to people like 'look at him, he says he has AUTISM.' My aunt faced at me and repeated in surprise 'you have autism?', she wasn't happy about it, but wasn't sympathetic either. My dad has autism, but isn't aware and doesn't want to know, because he always hopes he can figure out his way to be social, he doesn't want to lose hope and optimism. I told my sister she must have autism too since we are related and she has always had problems socializing but as much as me, and she was unhappy about it and told me she 'has absolutely no degree of autism,' and stopped talking to me. my is a bit psycho and couldn't care less, she had the misfortune of being married to an aspie whom she wasn't attracted to and just married for practical reason and also to abuse him. so in my experience it is MUCH better not to tell your family, even if it means being misunderstood forever.

Seeing idntonkw's post reminds me to clarify. Once I unmasked, my closest family and friends believed my diagnosis. My sister is still very critical of me, but I'm better as I standing up for myself and set boundaries. My AS-like mom (who is a recovering narcissist) at first brushed my suggestion off about her likely AS, saying it didn't matter, but now a year later she sees that she probably is and was brought to tears by attending an AS support group with me: "they are so real!" She initially couldn't see I was AS b/c I was exactly like her ("normal" when she didn't think she was AS). So relatives who relate to the AS traits but consider themselves "normal" will be that much less likely to accept the whole concept, b/c what would that mean about them?

idntonkw, sorry your family continues at a higher level of dysfunction.

After spending a life time looking out of my peripheral vision ,am pretty good at seeing if I have become
Pretty adept , or I like to think I am at telling if I am being targeted in a variety of ways .
Generally , I choose the high road , and do my best to get on with my day .
If your standing there with caught in the headlights deer look , that’s pretty much what they are wanting ,
Usually have better ways to spend my time. But that is only my experiences

I realized upon watching some YouTube lectures about CPTSD and 'The Body Remembers [trauma and stress]', that the narcissists in our families may just be frozen in physical stress where they get stuck in narcissist mode to cope, which makes me more accepting of their narcissism because it is not a choice, but rather a consequence of the state their body got stuck in after traumatic events of the past.

I'm afraid I have contributed to dysfunction in my family. Perhaps because of my own CPTSD reactions and getting triggered, I picked fights with family members and became rude when I did not feel heard or did not like how things were done in my family. This lead my family to have more stress and I got resentment back. What I know realize is also that while people may be wrong in what they are doing, an intervention may still not be something they need, because people are just used to doing things in a certain pattern and may not be able to accept a change to their own routine even if what they are doing is wrong. So while you may be really want to intervene, you can show kindness by letting people do what they are used to and are more comfortable, even if you think it will have bad consequences without your intervention.

Am not inclined to disagree with these premises, things change aswell as people .

Honestly, if you can, just avoid telling anyone. My life experience tells me that it does no good. Unless you want to be treated differently than others. It can annoy some people especially if your autism isn't very visible.

The issue is this. If you are 50 years old and you only got your diagnosis recently, people aren't necessarily going to look at you differently. They always knew you were different - nerdy, childish, socially awkward - whatever. They just considered it who you are. Just a part of your personality. The fact that you can call it autism doesn't really make a difference.

And if they didn't notice anything 'weird' about you to begin with then you are just going to seem like you crave attention.

It's basically a lose-lose situation.