Why I should feel empathy and remorse to my former bullies?

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You shouldn't. End of.

I live by this motto: the best revenge is to Live Well.

It means to focus on you, your life, your happiness and not the people who hurt you. Karma will deal with them.

Hence why when I met my previous boyfriend who had really hurt me decades ago, he found I am now happily married, have a child, a job, a home, friends etc. I am not still pining over him, sad and lonely. He wasn't too happy about that. Dear oh dear. I had moved on happily instead of getting revenge.

I'd listen to KitLily if I were you!

I would test for Unspecified Personality Disorder, because I don't meet all the diagnostic criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, because I have empathy and remorse.

I do show some symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.


My history:

My symptoms throughout my childhood:

* Annoyed and chased animals for sick pleasure, but I started to feel so guilty for doing that, as I stopped doing that
* Sometimes broke some school rules, and get into fights.
* A little bit impulsive when angry
* Always thought that I am right, and getting into arguments, most of my peers thought I was wired, because of that


Some symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder that I have:

* Charm (I use charm when I lie)
* Brainwashing (I don't do that, but I have that skill)
* Lying (I sometimes lie a lot, and people don't know that I lied, but I am more likely to be honest than most)
* Manipulation (I do that rarely though)


I did post about my grandiosity (sometimes, delusion of grandeur), but it is related to Bipolar Disorder that I also suffer from, and envy others that are better than me. I also talked about having thoughts about killing my former bullies in the past when I was 19 years old.


Of course! I will follow her advice, I just need some help and therapy to get there. I hope you know what I mean.

They were kids right? Kids with issues in many cases, right?

You should have the same degree of openness to the possibility that they're deserving of empathy as you feel you deserve from people you wronged at that age.

Bullies need empathy, sure….but they also need to know that there are consequences for bullying.

I just felt like they don't deserve empathy from me, I felt so hurt by them and felt very betrayed by them.

Obviously, not from the victim of the bullying---especially when the bullying is still occurring.

It was pretty hard for me to feel empathy for someone punching me in the face for no reason.

In this situation, people can feel whatever way feels right to them. There’s no right or wrong here, I think.

Sometimes forgiveness is therapeutic. Sometimes not forgiving is therapeutic.

It’s about you, not them.

Should or shouldn't -- it doesn't really matter.

What matters more is to be able to go past through whatever crap those children put you through.

In which you are as you should now: an autonomous adult, not a bully victim at school for whatever reason.


I say closure as an end goal is more important than whether one holds a grudge for a motive or sympathize and 'understand' -- though it can be a stepping stone to closure.

Choose which will benefit your future and present more -- including but not limited to your own mental health related to it.

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You don't need to feel those things towards former bullies, they caused you harm so it's reasonable to not have much empathy for them. That said best not to dwell on them, they aren't paying rent for your head-space so just live your best life in spite of what bullies may have said and done in the past.

I did forgive one bully, but she actually came up and apologized for it and seemed sincere so I accepted her apology.

Thank you!

Thank you!

Don't confuse empathy for sympathy.

You can acknowledge that someone's responsibility for their actions only goes so far as their age, maturity and upbringing allow for and still not sympathize with the actions they took.

You can empathize generally with the idea that people who are wounded might be prone to acting out in negative manners and understand that if they've healed they might no longer be prone to those patterns of behaviour while still not sympathizing with their choices to act out against you.

If you think of the kid bully from the perspective you're at as an adult they're not menacing anymore, they're usually just sad in one way or another. If you encountered them (as a kid) while you were an adult you wouldn't want to retaliate against them anymore, you'd just want to correct them and cause the pattern of behaviour to change.

At least I'd hope so because the entire relationship you have changes as the person ceases to be your peer. In this case the person you had the relationship with is still the kid you remember but you're no longer the kid they bullied, you're a grown-ass man who's had lots of time to mature and gain perspective (just like the bully hopefully has if you encounter them again).

I agree. Thank you!