What is your relationship to your MOTHER?

Post Reply New Topic

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Were you breastfed?


No. Oxitocin is necessary to let down milk. My Mother could not lactate. We aren't supposed to remember that far back, but I do. I can remember the nurse bringing me to be on her chest. I had been through the hell they put all babies through in hospitals, and I had a difficult birth so I am sure I had been put through even more hell. I was constantly cold and the florescent lights in the hospital hurt my eyes. I was so relieved to be back, touching my Mother! I don't even remember trying to nurse. I just wanted to lay there my skin against her skin and be touching her. The nurse said something like, "I guess she's not going to do it." and she took me away from her, and I remember thinking, "Nothing will ever be all right ever again."


Was/Is she mentally stable?

Not after my Fathers job got us transferred to a small town where she had no bus service, was allergic to the soil (would break out in hives), was not allowed to have a phone (by my equally autistic Father) and had no one to talk to. She became depressed and starting despising me, blaming me for the move because if I hadn't existed my father could have quit his job and moved her back home, or she could have divorced him and moved back home if she didn't have me to care for. If I tried to climb on her lap, she would push me off. If I tried to get a hug from her, she would shove me away. I learned to play alone. I wasn't allowed to have other kids in the house and she didn't want to pay attention to me except on week ends when we all went out to places as a family. Then she would cheer up and act more normal. I realize looking back my Father never saw how she acted when he wasn't around and she was alone with me all those hours, so he could not really understand my complaints about her. She never actually deliberately, physically abused me but she made it quite clear she did not want me and I was a nuisance to her. She hoarded trash and garbage and because of my allergies and sleep apnea I needed a clean house, but (actual quote). "I love the trash and the garbage more than I love you." She wasn't even being mean saying that, just honest. She completely lacked the ability to understand what she was doing to me. My father believed in power of positive thinking so the mess didn't bother him and my complaints about it and her just made him think I was being a bad girl and neurotic because I could not psyche myself out of my allergies.


Was she distant, cold and aloof from you? Were you emotionally abandoned as an infant?

Very much so, even before we moved. She would read to me to keep me quiet but would not let me sit on her lap. I had to sit in a chair or bed not touching her. I think she thought I was going to be like her child hood dollies that she could dress in pretty clothes and put back on the shelf when she was tired of playing with me. But I made NOISE! And I had no off switch! She had no sense of my having feelings, scolded me for crying at shots (which were probably making me more autistic and allergic). I made the decision at two that if the world was this cruel I wasn't going to bring children into it, and I've kept that promise. I hated being dressed in pretty clothes, perhaps in protest because I sensed it was all she cared about. I had a hard time of it. There is not much out there on children with autistic parents. There should be. All the material is about the other way around. But autistics raising autistics is not a pretty picture. When I complained to my parents the other kids didn't like me, they didn't think it was anything to worry about. Neither one of them needed friends other than each other. I wasn't as autistic as they were. I did, but I lacked the social skills to make them. I grew up before there was any knowledge of this. I was just considered weird or lazy, or cold, or not trying. I had a teacher tell me, "If you would get your nose out of a book and pay attention, you would have friends." But I am face blind and could not recognize anyone. There was no name for that back then.

By the way I disagree with you about oxitocin being necessary to connect with the Divine. I have always been close to God. Whatever neurochemical involves Him, is not oxitocin though I think whatever neurochemical it is, some folks really don't have it. I think atheism is a learning disability. God has often been my only friend, and His Presence is sweet and comforting, and I'm very oxitocin deficient, can't bond with anyone though I want to. I have a friend who takes care of me and she is an Angel sent from God I am sure, but due to my own inability to bond, I still feel lonely.

no, yes, no, and no

my relationship with mom is in many respects strong, but she's the only parent i have left. I don't really know what else to say about that right now.

Wow. So many similarities between us.

I'm kind of at a loss of words - and how to say what my heart feels. I was rejected as an infant and the only ones I feel kinship with are the holocaust survivors and romanian orphans. No one else knows the trauma. As for oxytocin - it holds the key to releasing compassion and empathy. I think it can be bypassed via mental facilities. I.e. empathy can be a learned ability - but until it's actually felt - i.e. incorporated into the biological system via the neurotransmitters and becomes an integral part via experientialistic behavior - it is only mimicry and facade.

Right now I am dealing with isolation and self medication and being triggered by everything on earth. I cope.

I was abandoned 3 weeks after birth by my birth mother.
The family that adopted me was nuts. My mother is a self-absorbed, cruel person who only cares what other people think. She would punish me for autie behaviors no matter what doctors said. She tried to force me to be an NT when I could not be. We have a very strained relationship now. She thinks everything wrong with me is all "made up" and "learned" and that I am just trying to "get attention". That is the LAST thing I want! I prefer to be left alone!

Barely....however, I see no logical alternative to life but to cope.
My husband is great about my asperger's. He protects and comforts me. He has learned how to help with my sensory problems and how to help me out in social situations. He is very quiet and gentle...unless someone is needlessly cruel or thoughtless with me. Then, he is angrily after them for being so ignorant.
I saw a great therapist for several years as well. I did suffer severe depression for a long time...that has faded though.
I just try to stay away from my mom. She resents me for "ruining" her image. She is a socialite-very wealthy. I could not act properly in her "social" functions and she hated me for the embarrassment.
If you consider logically what this means, it means she has the problem, not me. I think it is sad she is so hung up on what people who do not even care about her think.
It does hurt...I will not be false. But I cope.

most of the time i dont like her, but i guess hses ok

Sounds like your husband is an angel - that's a real blessing right there. It's so much easier to go through life with a *Team of Helpers* - in whatever guises they may take. Securing your boundaries with your mother is wise. I still maintain contact with mine - but I've had YEARS that I couldn't bear to. I still freeze up and am not at ease - on guard - all the time. It's like a Samurai dance where the daggers are brought out and I keep on dodging them. I just keep mine at my side - who knows when I might need it.....

Therapy was good in the 90's but since then I've not been an avid fan, but I can't ignore the benefits of telling the Truth to another. That's very important in my book. I also went to ACOA and CODA meetings - it was good because in hearing others I finally knew that others hurt too. I wasn't aware before hearing the testimonials. What I liked about those meetings was ALLOWING the person their space and time to just tell without interruption or commentary. It was sacred time.

If I could use an analogy to abused children - they have their wings amputated and spend their entire lives trying to fly without them, until one day an angel opens their hearts, then the healing of the stumps begins - and if the Journey isn't too deadly for them to handle - and there are other helpers along the way - the wings do grow back.

Belle - some of the most beautiful, most precious and gifted offspring come from cruel upbringings. Something in the process of being in a warzone shatters the soul and heart creating extremely sensitive and compassionate human beings. It's like going into rings of fire and all the BS gets blown into the ashes and a Phoenix emerges. But it's the most painful, most excruciating, most torturous way to find the Self that was lost.

Alas, my mother is no longer here as she died of cancer when I was a college student. I was bottle fed. I believe that my mother was somewhere on the autism spectrum. She was affectionate and clearly loved me but she was in many ways emotionally unstable. She very rarely had any friends or social contacts. I miss her so much. She played Dungeons and Dragons with a few of her coworkers at one point. She would get really excited when there was an ambulance going by and run to the window to see it.