How do you show love?

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Hmm...How do I show love? Well until I discovered this site I was quite convinced I was uncapable of any form of affection beyond friendship, but it seems that I might have the capacity, so unfortunately I'm not much help since I've never really expereinced "love." However, while surfing the forums I have noticed that most Aspie men seem very hesitant about love, almost to the point of fear, so perhaps he's afraid for some reason?

I'm fully aware it's a chemical reaction, but I have no reason not to express it. Everything we are is a chemical reaction or electrical discharge etc etc etc. But that doesn't mean it's NOT real.


I'm kinda... Lovey Dovey, so to speak. I like to hug a lot. Which is odd, because unless I initiate or consent, physical contact startles the hell out of me.

My husband and I are both AS. He doesn't discuss his feelings or tell me how much I mean to him outside of the 'I love you's, but I know. For example, I have scoliosis and some related disc and nerve problems with my back and legs. Sometimes he will sit through an entire movie and massage my back. If that's not love, I don't know what is. With AS, it's about appreciating the positive things and coping with the things that, as an NT, you may have come to expect would be different in a partner.

I have a really hard time verbalizing any emotion let alone one as complex as love. But it seems that I've overcome this through my actions. I show people that I care about them through the things I do. I once crawled on the roof of my house despite my intense fear of heights to retrieve a stuffed toy for my little sister. She was so happy she cried about it. I guess that its the easiest way for me to express my feelings without words.

I'm an NT and have been in a relationship (long distance, if that doesn't make it even more of a challenge) with a guy who has autism. We've been dating for almost 6 months now, but he doesn't ever say that he loves me or expresses words of that sort. I love him deeply as a friend and have known him for a very long time but never this intimately.
I know from his occasional actions that he cares about me, but sometimes the only emotion he will show is by hugs or he'll formally invite me to hang out with him for the evening. And when I say formally, I mean he presents the question to me as if he were inviting his boss to dinner.
Sometimes it feels like he's treating me like he would an aquaintance, which leaves me frustrated, and then he'll suddenly hold my hand, or give me a quick kiss on the lips.

Though I'm usually good at understanding, it is sometimes difficult to keep myself from constantly asking him "Are we still happy in this relationship?" becuase I can't tell from his actions whether or not he has feelings for me. And i know the question can become repetitive and annoying. It feels like his emotions are an "on and off switch" that comes and goes as quickly as his energy (he gets tired A LOT. And often when he's tired, he becomes completely glazed over and stone-like).

How do you deal with the lack of affection being shown? Is it normal for people with autism to act this way? How do I show him that I love him without saying it, in case he freaks out? Sometimes I wonder if he will be okay with a long term relationship, or if they constantly need a change in girlfriends.

outward affection is just that and it has no bearing on emotions or feelings and what was the 'they' reference to your partner at the end. Do you preceive your partner as two different people?

My apologies, that was a grammatical error. I meant to ask if men with autism (in general) needed a constant change in sexual relationships.

I bought my boyfriend a fake fireplace because he was always cold and it saves on energy I read. It was one of those Amish fireplaces.

I bought him about 11 gifts last year for Christmas because I got a little carried away.

I also picked him up when he got pizza because I didn't want him to stand out in the cold for 40 minutes waiting for the bus to come and plus I was hungry and didn't want to wait that long so I went and got him.

I buy him mouthwash and things he needs from The Dollar Tree when I go.

I let him kiss me

I am giving him one of my notebooks to write in to keep track of when he has a seizure

I take him grocery shopping



That's how I show love. My boyfriend says I sometimes show him love.

This is a tough one. I guess I tend to complement my girlfriend on aspects of her personality/things that she does that I find interesting or otherwise endearing. I also give hugs and massages, or gently drag my fingers across her back. I never really thought about it before this thread, but I guess that I generally show my feelings about someone through practical actions, rather than words (unless I am drunk).

I agree this book is great, I show love physically, my husband shows it through gifts. It really helped us understand each other better

I show my love..... wait......... is it even possible for an aspie who has a hard enough time expressing everyday emotions to others to express love?

I love my 5 yold brother dearly, and try to express it to him, and other than play, and the words "I love you (too)", I probably come across as being cold.... when really, action and just words is about the only way I can express myself.

Usually, I show love towards my mom. I'll often just randomly go up to her and hug her. she thinks its kind of out-of-the-blue, but she still hugs back.

I am a woman with AS and i relate entirely to what Graelwyn says in the above quote. I get overwhelmed by feelings but whhen i try to express them i move into a kind of mental and intellectual realm that cannot translate the emotional relevance of what i am trying to say.

everyone i have ever loved has told me i am not good at showing it. What i also know is that I feel love for people most acutely and purely when they are not around me. That is a great paradox and one that is a bit difficult for others. It has to do with my spatial and sensory stuff and finding people quite overwhelming. i have also taken to writing notes as i can get it across better.

It's funny.. with adult members of the family, including my husband I am not affectionate. I force myself to hug them but it doesn't feel natural to me. I know it frustrates him but he also knows this is just how I am, and it has nothing to do with him. The way I show love is going out of my way to help them or do something for them... but with my kids and my parents' dogs.. I am extremely affectionate.

I am exactly the same way. My youngest brother and my uncle's dog get more affection than the most important people in my life....... and that is why I am still without a gf... but thats ok... someday.... someday............ and that day is coming, that much I know.

I always felt that telling someone you love them kinda cheapens it.

Tell them they're adorable, etc, etc - but not that you love them, unless you're bidding them farewell for the final time in your life.

Telling someone you love them directly to their face almost seems to violate the sanctity of the great, unspoken thing between you - like it suddenly attaches a finite value to something that transcends quantification.

Far better to let it remain great and spoken, I believe.
Maybe it's just a result of my being a dupe.
I don't know.

Last edited by MemberSix on 19 Dec 2008, 7:47 am, edited 1 time in total.