Concerned about aspie stepfather to my children...

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There is one thing about the original post that seems to be a bit sort sighted. It doesn't consider that fact that anyone feeling down including the ex-wife might have an effect on the kids or not. It is not about blame it is about solutions.

One thing to note is there are often warning signs to things like meltdowns and things to avoid. Like with me if I start flapping my right hand near my face. It is time to stop feeding me information/instructions I'm not really taking in and leave me be (possibly turn off the light). It is not that I'm likely to turn into the green monster, but there seems little point in perpetuating it unless you get your kicks that way. I don't have all that many nowadays because I'm generally good at knowing the warning signs myself and have much better self control.

Actually, there's many other things we can do, and only God (if you believe in God -- I do, others may not) is objective, humans aren't capable of that. Although one thing we can do to get closer to objective (even if we could never actually get there) is to see that even the things we consider fact might only be assumptions we hold very closely. Such as for instance seeing things in a very medical light, so that certain people have "disorders" which are always deficient models of a "normal" person.

You neglected to mention what initially caused the period of depression/sadness that caused the early visit in the first place.
I grew up with strange parents. My Bio. father was away alot ( alcoholic and womanizer) and my mom was ( is still) chronically depressed. I suppose some things affected me more than others--- things I could see directly more so than others.
Fighting, yelling, violence, long absences... those things more so than things I didn't know about until later ( affairs, the DUI's). As a kid, I didn't know why these things were happening and it was very confusing.
If you have already explained these things to the kids and they are educated ( to their levels of understanding, of course) then they'll have reasons behind any behaviors that come up and therefore less confusion.
Also, his going to a quiet place and cooling off for a bit seems better to me than parents duking it out in front of the kids or yelling loudly or whatever--- many parents seem to be unaware of the adverse effects of violence on children. It is his way of coping and it seems much preferable than other peoples' ways of coping with theirs.

You were doing this, I was not.

Objectivity (like subjectivity) is only useful when it comes in reasonable doses. By definition, psychology/psychiatry as a discipline can never be fully objective because it deals with PEOPLE and their destinies - and their feelings too, much as some would like to dismiss the importance of these. Its aim is to help people learn to value themselves and others, to achieve their potential, to feel fulfilled, to discover their own "niche" in society etc., NOT to categorize people into "boxes" just for the sake of it (at least, it is supposed to be this way; I know it often deteriorates into something else entirely, but this is beside the point). This especially goes for cases where such categorization and label-sticking would interfere with the initial goal of helping people become happier and more balanced; then nobody needs it, however "objective" it might be.

That said, nothing whatsoever that has been created by people can ever be completely objective, because people themselves are not.



Yes, but for that matter, neither do "feel bad" ones.



Exactly.

Last edited by ixochiyo_yohuallan on 24 Dec 2007, 2:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Normal people don't function well either, you're creating some illusionary measure or standard. If you were to apply this standard to normal people, quite a few would function as poorly as she does.

There is no objective standard. If you're happy with 2 friends and 3 acquaintances then that should be enough. By saying one should have at least half a dozen friends and two dozen acquaintances you'd be creating an artificial standard which would (arbitrarily) declare that happy person as 'dysfunctional'.

Well, getting back to the topic at hand, rather than the enormous digression (and, Fantastic, I'll caution you that, as you've probably already realised, there seems to be a tendancy for Aspergians to project somewhat their own experiences and assume they're universal - be cautious with that, it's a big spectrum covering a variety of different symptoms and severities), first thing I'll point to is Attwood's Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrom. It's really the current "Bible," most complete information, but it's not particularly technical and is quite easy to read, although it is long (disclaimer: I'm currently reading it myself, and haven't gotten the whole way through, but thusfar it seems very, very good).
I'd also take a look at some of the biographies, but remember we're a pretty diverse mix, what you read may not be representative, but it can give better "real world" examples of behaviors and motivations. Look me in the Eye, as already mentioned, and Pretending to be Normal spring immediately to mind, but there are others.

How much have you spoken with your ex-wife about his behavior? It does seem somewhat codependant or controlling that she's not "allowed" to get angry or upset. While his reaction of shutting himself away is actually a pretty common one, and not in and of itself a concern I think (assuming that, if he's left alone with your kids, he's able to keep a hold of himself where necessary - probably an issue to discuss with your ex-wife), if there are wider issues going on there, those might need to be looked into. Asperger's can really cover a pretty wide gamut of symptoms, and if he's having pretty regular meltdowns, he needs to be seeing some sort of specialist to figure out what his triggers are so he can avoid them and minimise this. I wouldn't talk about eliminating it completely, but it sounds like a pretty common occurrence, and that needs to be mitigated as far as possible. If this is the worst of what you're seeing from him, it's probably OK, and someone with AS is unlikely to do anything worse. I'd probably try not to worry, but do educate yourself and do some reading on the condition.

Wow,

Thanks for all of this information, I hadnt quite expected so much! I have briefly scan read it, and will sit down later this evening to digest it better (once the kids are in bed).

I must admit, I wasnt quite expecting the members to be as supportive as you have been. That has been really helpful! Will probably come back with some more questions soon.

Thanks again.

BTW. I was really hoping that, apart from dealing with matters of the childrens well being, that I wouldnt have to get involved in matters relating to my wifes new relationship. Life has a way of throwing things at you I guess...

I am an NT mom of 4 who married an AS man when I was a single mom of 3 girls. I later had a son with him who was just diagnosed with sensory integration disorder and ASD. Its been a rough road for all. I wasn't foolish enough to expect my husband to adapt easily to this ready made family-even in the best circumstances, blended families have a low success rate. My husband is good to me and we would be a great couple despite the difficulties brought on by our extreme differences, but unfortunately there will be no happy ending for us. He has an intense dislike for my youngest daughter, now 15. When we got married, she was 8 and they got on fine. But she was insecure at being "replaced" by him and her new baby brother and she acted very possessive and clingy. My husband was threatened by this and never got over it. He has not spoken to her since she was 8, except for a handful of times when he lost his temper and reacted to her in an explosive rage. Other than that, she is invisible to him. This has damaged her and created a sick and broken family that could not be helped by a multitude of family therapists. I became the buffer between them and my other daughters, although not as impacted, did not fare much better. Holidays are a nightmare-my grown children come home and my husband tries to be decent but his threshold for the stress and noise is low. I dread any type of family situation. The kicker is that he is an incredibly devoted and wonderful dad to our son which makes it even more painful for my daughter to deal with his treatment of her. The net result is that I am a complete mess, my daughter is a mess, my other daughters don't want to visit, but we all try to pretend because we love our boy so much. The wreckage is severe and I know it,s my fault so Aspies please save the flames for someone else. I don't blame my husband for any of this and this post isn't meant to say anything other than my personal experience. Being a stepparent is the hardest thing in the world AS or not, but if I had it to do over again, I would do it differently and avoided a lot of heartache.

Wow. We will try to help if we can.

As a temporary measure, do you think the 15-year-old could try living with an Aunt, older sister, or grandparent?

Courtnado, stop blaming yourself.

We all have to navigate tricky situations in our marriage and it's usually the adults who have to find a way to appease the children.

Your husband is the adult here. Not the (then) eight year old daughter.

It's clear that your husband has a lot of sensory issues and that they affect him badly enough to cause a lot of pain and anguish. Unfortunately, as the adult, he needs to find ways to deal with them.

For example; In the case of sound sensitivity, he could wear earplug for some of the time and require the girls to keep quiet for the rest of the time. It's all about balance.

The thing is, that these sensitivities don't appear to involve your son, only your daughters. This makes me suspect that there's more than meets the eye here.

Either your husband has something other than just aspergers syndrome and sensory difficulties OR he's making a choice to treat them that way.

A change needs to happen in order for you to maintain a relationship with your daughters as they grow up and leave home.

Your husband is treating your flesh and blood like this...and you let him? You have been enabling him long enough at the expense of your daughters' well being. My mother was the same way with my alcoholic/drug addicted stepfather, who also treated me like crap, and I have had years of depression, ptsd, and anxiety stemming from growing up in that kind of toxic environment.

This is not about his asperger's. It's about providing your kids with a safe place emotionally to be. And you can't do that while husband continues to treat your kids like that.

You all need to head straight to counseling, do not pass go and collect 200 dollars, stat.

What a fantastic thread - if you'll pardon the pun - I'm a stepdad to 3 kids and have been involved with them and primary caregiver for the best part of 10 years. The biological father is out of the country and we've seen him on only a handful of occasions over this time. The oldest child is now 16, so wait that's 12 years involvement.

I'm self-diagnosed AS (formally diagnosed ADD) - We have also had a child together who is now 5.

Have I posed any risk or caused any long-term damage to these kids? Who could possibly answer this question as it's impossible to run through two time streams to find out. I have some of the tendencies you've mentioned when describing your wifes partner, but to be honest it's never been that extreme or out in the open. BUT I've never had the option of ejecting them and sending them off to their Dad.. Might I have played up in this way if that was an option? who knows?

My gut feeling is that your ex will need to figure this out for herself. It might actually be a good thing, to force them to see what the inevitable outcome is in this situation, by not being at all accepting to rescue them. Either the new guy will have to face his new responsibilities or your ex will recognise that he's in over his head.

I get on well with the step-children, I can talk quite openly with them, the only communications difficulties and problems arise from friends staying over - which I find hard - my workaround now is to never make the decision myself. A slight cop out, but I'd always find excuses why tonight is never a good time.

On the plus side I've always helped them out and we are as close as I can possibly be with anyone. It's a rare Dad who knows more about computers than their teenage children and had the patience to play Yu-Gi-Oh / Pokemon / Magic and DND with them when they were younger. i have taught them to read / write and I've always been there for the day to day stuff.

Jason

In my biologic family of origin, my mother feuded with my father and rather treated me as her surrogate boyfriend. My father resented me for this. The dynamic was very unhealthy. I've had trust issues for years, for good reason, because people and institutions are often not trustworthy.

I had generally had bad experiences with so-called mental health professionals. For example, this psychologist I saw when I was 17 did not take my father's violence seriously.

Honest to gosh, I think the odds are more in a person's favor if they talk with a beautician or barber who has some savvy or street smarts, or speech therapist, or a former teacher they respect, or a distant relative.

Psychologists and psychiatrists seem to be like new converts to religion who are trying to get it exactly right and end up dogmatic and doctrinaire, and mainly into talking and pontificating and not listening.

I saw another psychologist at age 23 and a young psychiatrist at age 26, and they also were kind of lousy.

I'm sorry. I wish it was better, but often it's not. (And I say a field that runs 0 to 3 in a random sampling is a pretty lousy field.)

@Courtnado
It sounds like your husband never really integrated with your kids from your past marriage. As one of the biggest defining features of AS tends to be a lack of understanding of other people, I would wager he had a hard if not impossible time understanding your children from your previous marriage (Whether hes aware of this deficit or not). As such, your youngest daughter is hardly likely to have known why she wasn't being accepted by him.

Whereas with your son, it'd be easier for your husband to understand because he's his own child, and was there from the time he was born, with no other history for him to misunderstand/"Not Get". I could see how that would easily cause your youngest daughter distress, as you mention.

After that, I agree with Gbollard's post:
A: Its not only your fault. Im sure you played a role, but the primary issue here was his ASD, and how it affected the (Would-be) Relationship between him and your daughter(s), and his lack of an ability to deal with it. Its up to the person with AS to learn how to deal with it, not the world at large......

B: He probably has feelings about your daughters as a result of his lack of an ability to interact with them peacably, and as such would feel different about them then they would his son.

@Fantastic
Interesting name, with an interesting creation date, lol.

After that, I agree with many of the sentiments that have already been given here. Though I disagree that you will have to, or even should attempt, to interfere with your ex-wife husband's AS, unless either A: She asks it of you (And this won't end well for their marriage_), or B: You find evidence of criminal wrong-doing on his part that she seems to be ignoring, particularly if it invovles the kids (I find this to be unlikely to occur, but with anyone we care about, safety first....). The only way that I would recommend dealing with "Your wife's relationship", would be as you already mentioned 'dealing with matters of the childrens well being". By this I recommend, focusing on the kids, and what they tell you about *THEIR* interactions with him. If they're having a problem with him, try to help them sort it out, and this is where a knowledge of AS will come in useful. Help them learn about AS, if they have the interest. Your ex's issues are her own, and if you try to interfere with that, through the kids or not, I promise you will create problems. Having lived through a Divorce and shared Visitation, and later finding out about AS, I feel pretty confident in saying that.

Your kids and their step-father, as others have already pointed out, are already dealing with a new addition, and all the problems that come from that. ANY step father has issues when trying to get to know, deal with, establish themselves with surrogate children. The issue, as I kind of went into for Courtnado, is that AS only makes that more difficult (This is greatly dependent on the person afflicted with it and their ability to accept their "Deficits" in the areas of social interactions *Disclaimer: I use "Deficit" here merely to convey how many NTs would/will see the situation*). AS has many redeeming qualities, but an ease of understanding those around them, particularly more recently acquainted people, is not one of those. I will be surprised if your kids report him as being easy to get along with, at least outside of any possibly shared interests...

There are things your kids will probably have to learn about AS if they want to have a working relationship with their stepdad, in addition to learning about him. But if I was you I wouldn't press their "understanding of him" too much. Im a very strong believer in personal responsibility in situations like this, and I am of the opinion that, in a situation like this, the onus is on the individual with AS to overcome their own problems, but he won't be able to do that if your kids close themselves to the at least bare minimum understanding that they will need to realize that he's going to have issues to overcome (By this Im suggesting that if you can prep them to be receptive to his attempts, as a person thats going to be sharing parts of their lives, this will work out alot better in the end for all involved, then if they get no counsel, are left to figure it out on their own, or otherwise told or allowed to believe that hes "Just broken" and not worth the time or effort to try to get to know). Alot of people might view this as a lot to ask of any kid, particularly when they're not related by blood to the person, but I rather don't think so (I also happen to believe that too many people treat children as toys, rather then the young *people* that they are). It will be, at best, a wonderful learning opportunity for them (Fraught with the full gamut of emotions that come with such things as well). At worst, it could be a nightmare excursion into all the problems that come with a dysfunctional family.....

All of that said, alot will be dependent on him and your Ex-wife as well. If their relationship falls apart, I highly doubt the kids are going to be happy no matter what. If he decides he can't along with them, then hes surrendering to his AS and may the results of his decision be upon his head, and again Im sure your children won't be very happy. This is an issue that is, and will continue to be, complicated, and require alot of care to handle judiciously. I wish you well, and advise just using your best judgement, and finally encourage you to try to help the kids in their best interests not yours (Have to say this).

Good Luck, Both of you,
Aldran

He's probably an example of HIGH empathy Aspies. There's nothing WRONG with him, as far as I can see, as long as he's not beating anyone up (very unlikely he would beat someone up) I have a dad who's Asperger's and there's nothing really wrong with him, he's just very childlike and nerdy (possibly gay, actually, but not all Aspies are going to be gay, I'm just saying MY dad seems gay) He's a good dad though, honestly, but he DOES have trouble understanding certain situations. I'd have to say my dad's lower functioning Asperger's than I am so things that confuze him don't confuze me. He's not a bad dad though, this dude's probably like my dad (only not gay) so you shouldn't worry.