Inability to bond?

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LOL, that happened to me a few weeks ago. I was going through my list of phone contacts, and decided to call a friend who lived out of state. She was shocked, and kept saying so. We chatted, and I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable because I felt I had done something wrong. A comment she made, came back to haunt me after I hung up. She said, "So, you just dug out my phone number and called me!" As if she needed to explain this odd phenomena to herself. Like Wadena says, I felt exactly the same way I did about her two years ago, and thought we could just pick up where we'd left off. Apparently I had become "that woman who moved to Florida." On the other hand, it's a great way to slough off people who have become annoying!

I had exactly this conversation with someone yesterday.

The person I was talking to explained it the way Hartz just did. My two teen Aspie sons have told me basically the same thing. I was told that my friend and my sons think about me often, even when they aren't around and assume I know that, hence, they don't need to tell me or talk to me. It shouldn't be taken as an insult at all. That makes sense.

I am a little bit that way also but I have learned that if I don't call my NT friends once in awhile, they will stop making the effort. And I've equated a prolonged lack of communication from an NT as the end of the friendship. Aspies make far more sense.

I agree, about Aspies making far more sense, blessedmom. And I've also found it to be true, that if NTs don't communicate for a long while, it's because they don't want to. Whereas if I don't communicate, I am thinking of that person constantly, but busy doing other things, or just hiding in my cave.

Wow! EXACTLY like me.

My daughter and I don't call each other nearly as much as NT people would.....but it works fine for us and I adore her and I think she adores me just as much.

It's just that we both lose track of how much time has gone by since the last phone call.......it bothers other people who think we should be calling each other more, but it doesn't bother us at all.

Yes, I guess she got a few autistic genes.....but she's having a pretty normal life and most important, she's happy, having fun, and has the knowledge that she may have a few challenges that other people don't have.

Yes, it is the same way between me and my mother. Part of her reason for saying that I cannot bond is because I don't like to speak to her on the phone as often as she deems 'normal'. I'd be happy saying hello once every couple of weeks - but if she doesn't speak to me several times a week she starts to feel like I am shutting her out of my life - which is not true.
I thought it was just her but the above comments seem to describe most non-Aspies like this. I guess I better go call my close friends that I haven't spoken to in two years. (I really do still consider them my close friends).

I had a similar inability to bond...until I got with the Deaf-Blind. I got the best feel for what bonding feels like when I was with the Deaf-Blind in 2003. But since they all pushed me away, I feel like I can't bond with anyone who's not Deaf-Blind. This bothers many people, but I am NOT distressed about it one bit. I just need the Deaf-Blind back in my life...that's all...and NOT the same individuals who I was with in 2003. I need NEW Deaf-Blind friends.

The only "person" I have genuinely bonded with is my cat!! !!

Seriously, on my planet, true "bonding" should only happen with your soul-mate. End of.

And since I haven't found mine, that would explain the lack of it.

If anyone else tries to get me to do it, I feel stifled & end up avoiding them until they get the message.

I hate it when people keep phoning me all the time and expecting me to want to be connected to them permanently.

However, in my case I am the one who has "moved on" from old friendships when I feel I have outgrown them. (Usually because I no longer have anything in common with the person, or because they have moved away.)

As for the social conventions thing, it is not always a matter of being completely unaware of them, but of finding them so stupid and irrelevant that I can't be bothered to even try to figure them out.

I seemed to only be-able to bond with others when alcohol or drugs was involved,
eventually I realized that thats no real bond at all and gave it up.

the only real bond I have ever found in my life that holds true is with my child,
thats why I am so stuck on him, I have never had a bond before in my life like I do with him.

I have the same problem myself. Bonding and opening up to other people makes me feel vulnerable. So I stick to myself, and have just a few close friends. Not everyone is a social butterfly and outgoing. And I don't think everyone has to be!

I am like this too. I only have one good bond but find it exceptionally difficult to with most people. Can anyone relate?

I guess I can. But with me, I know where it comes from (aside from the autism). Over the past 4 years or so, I've grown a bit less naive and less trusting of other people, due to a couple of painful experiences. So now, I'm quicker to keep other people at bay, and due to my already poor social skills and my inability to properly read other people, establishing any kind of deeper contact with another person is a process that takes a long time, and ofttimes never comes at all.

'Bonding' with co-workers is difficult for me, because I have trouble relating to someone who doesn't share my interests. In the past, my experience has been that if I talk about my interests to certain co-workers (and no, not in the sense of long rants/monologues about my special interest, but honest attempts at establishing a connection), they've cut it off because they found it/me boring. So my attitude is kind of the same now, where if a co-worker doesnt have a common interest and is also not particularly friendly on top of that, I'm not going to bother with a bond.

Much the same goes for acquaintances of the family at parties.

NT-bonding = A tight social structure with a social hierarchy. People like others for the quality of their social performance (looks, job-status, etc.). The quality of their performance in the group determines their social rank. What is in focus is the group, not the individual.

AS-bonding = A loose social structure with individuals considering each other equals. People like others for how well they are treated by them. What is in focus is the individual, not the group.


These are the extremes, of course there might be some overlap.

I wouldn't say that I have the inability to bond. I would say that I bond less often, for less casual reasons, and maintain them differently. I don't really enjoy feeling-sharing or sharing for the sake of sharing and consider it a group-bonding activity, even online in a forum such as this one. I probably come off as disinterested or distant because only people already close to me get to hear about my feelings.

I'm not really fussy about contact, either, as long as we hear from each other every couple of weeks or so and make a point of catching up in person when we can. I don't forget or drift easily, at least not emotionally. It's a chore to call regularly, so I try to make friends who are comfortable with less contact or online chat.

Ive posted in a few threads about my belief that Reactive Attachment Disorder, (which I have been diagnosed with following Childhood abuse, abandonment and neglect), bring about similar neurological conditions to genetically inherited Aspergers Syndrome.

Try and touch something x amount of times, and you get beat over your hand every time, soon you wont be able to touch anything.

I guess its normal after not only having a hard to talking and bonding with people in general, but being hurt time and time again, and the failures, it all adds up.

At the end of the day, i know the only onei can trust, who has my back, is myself and i cant count on anyone. The cold hard reality.

i have trouble even bonding with my own mother, thats how far out its gotten for me. And thats the only family i have left.

It's definitely a trait.

In my entire life I've never felt that need to have a friend. At all. The only person I've bonded (deeply) with was someone who literally saved my life and years later I saved hers (very random set of events as well!). Since then we've been very close friends and I cannot fathom life without her friendship. Many times I wonder if this is how people bond with others...and easily. Its the stuff of depressive nights but also a nagging curiosity.