Killing gods and monsters, so that I can live.

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I thought I did that already.

The pecking order is a primal thing. You not only have to take it, you have to dish it out, too.
If you don't fight back and pass it down hill, you lose your place in the pecking order.
We like to pretend that we are more enlightened than that.
And in some situations, we are. A good social group doesn't force you to abuse people.
A good church group doesn't do it either.
But most employment situations do. If you don't play the game, eventually you get fired.
Looking back, looking for a pattern, I keep coming back to a failure fit in.
The quality of my work didn't matter. I failed to play the game.
I was vaguely aware of it, but I wanted to believe that it was optional.

To "simplify your reality" is what all models do. It's just a tool. If I were performing brain surgery, perhaps a more delicate tool would be a better choice. At the moment, all I need is a wrecking ball.

I think your metaphors are freaking people out, but keep using them if it helps you to express your feelings. There will always be people who have knee-jerk reactions and refuse to look deeper. You scared me at first, but as I kept reading your initial post, I realized you were speaking metaphorically. I think we all also need to remember that some Aspies and Auties are incapable of understanding metaphor; however, it's been pointed out enough in this thread that they should get it by now.

I totally get what you're saying, and you're right. You have to get away from the abuse. You have to distance yourself both physically and emotionally from your former life. And you do have to be careful not to fall back into old patterns and end up being with someone who is just as abusive as your parents. It might be a good idea to avoid getting romantically involved with someone right now. You need to get yourself together before you'll be ready to share yourself with someone to that extent.

You might want to find yourself an easy job, like fast food or something, where you're not as likely to get fired if you're doing the job. I've heard on this site that assembly line jobs work out well for people like us.

Hang in there.

It's dark stuff allright, but the subject line was at least some kind of a warning.

I woudn't admit to killing mine, but I "locked them out" when I was maybe 11 years old. They'd got into massive rows and unstable separations, I remember after one really savage episode, it was just the last straw, and from then on, paid not the slightest attention to their marital conflicts, but concentrated on my own destiny.

Later on there were always the duty visits, in many ways everything continued as before, but it was never really the same. I can't even say I stopped loving them, not completely. Or that they didn't love me. I think they just had problems that I couldn't solve, or help them solve, and it was just too painful to watch them at loggerheads.

I can't remember who said: Our children begin by loving us. They grow and they judge us. If we are lucky, they forgive us.

It's not a subject I can dwell on for very long.

They didn't mean literally, they meant a form of disownership, to kill someone from your thoughts

had a hard time with my parents. it got better after i moved out. it's still a chore for me to keep in contact with them... but then, i don't really do that with anyone.

hope you are at least able to move on with your life.

Götterdämmerung... i know the desire.

Then why not just say that? If someone says "I had to kill parents as a kid" that is exactly what I think he means.

I'm trying to narrow it down. I might have been 11.
I remember thinking about it during an incident when I was 12, and by then it felt like ancient history. Days, months, years, I have no idea, but the relationship was definitely dead and I knew it would never recover. I was the direct victim. They got along fine with each other and were united against me.

I guessed at 11 - I'm still working out a lot of key dates in my life.

It snapped for me with my father after he'd left home, before that it had been good.

I can't do too much of this at once.

Sorry about that blip

With my father, I remember the night he left, going to sleep convinced I'd never see him again. He came back after only a day or two, but nothing got explaned. He'd told me he wasn't coming back ever. I'd believed him.

With my mother, I vaguely remember closeness when I was very young, but she seemed to be in a more or less permanent state of anger soon after that, and the aggression towards me seemed pretty continuous. Since before I ever thought I had AS, I'd suspected she'd had autism, because her reaction when she arrived home to the tiniest thing being out of place was horrific. No "real" violence, but with the humiliating slaps for every little thing, and the negative self-image she gave me most days, and the excessive restrictions on my behaviour, I can't decide which is wose.

All the practical stuff was done, a well-ordered family if you discount a few broken plates, scary noises, and the emotions.