NTs correcting you?

Post Reply New Topic

Everybody has problems taking criticism, Aspie and NT alike. If I appear to be playing favourites it's because of how the stories are presented to me on the forums. Maybe I could be a little more supportive of Aspies than I am, you're right. That's my bad.

Unfortunately, anyone can use the "constructive criticism" passive-aggressive tactic to make the person who could have had a valid reason to be angry about what was said look like a complete as*hole for defending themselves against what seems to be an unfair or exaggerated charge. "Constructive criticism" is in the eye of the beholder - and too often, the people giving it don't bother to put themselves in the shoes of whoever they're criticizing and consider whether they would really feel the same way if it was being said to them. I'd much rather be dealing with someone who's honestly attacking me than someone who takes a shot at me and then hides behind the "I was just trying to help!" defense. At least the former type is being honest in trying to take another down a peg.

I've actually found that it's more effective to come from the point of trying to understand behavior (at least behavior that is not harmful or way out of line) before one tries to correct it - deal with the perceived problem in almost a Socratic way. Ask the reason for the behavior, or what the person means by doing it, and use the person's own response to either establish that the person a) didn't know what they were doing and meant no harm; b) actually needs to do that for a valid reason, or simply finds it more enjoyable or useful than not doing it; or c) did so deliberately, but knowing that it bothers others, will try not to do it again. At least with me, I'm much happier if I'm given the chance to explain myself and my actions rather than just being given an across the board "Don't do that" or "Do things my way," as it means that the person is really trying to make an effort to help me on my terms. However, this requires a lot more effort and understanding, and yes, a bit of curiosity rather than just judgment, which a lot of people, regardless of neurotype, seem to lack.

Constructive criticism is not "a passive-aggressive tactic." You don't have to take my word for because you can ask the world outside this triple-shielded Aspie enclave.

How would you suggest that people present the stories to you?

I'm tempted to say, "Objectively!" But I know how silly that is. Maybe it's because I'm a little more conservative than the rest of you that I form these views.

I'm not quite Aspie enough for the Aspie forum, or so it would seem.

I don't think it's silly to want to hear stories presently objectively. However, people, being human, will always bring their own views and feelings into any situation and its retelling, which makes objectivity very difficult, no matter how much one tries to be objective.

I know, that's why it's silly to ask for objectivity, especially when it's Aspies bringing stories about other Aspies. The vested interest is really there.

Not always, but it CAN be. What's worse is that it makes it hard to tell when people are being genuine and when they're just trying to take someone else down a peg and feel self-righteous about it, unless they specify through their phrasing or other aspects of how they say it. Unfortunately, I have personally known people who get a rush out of being condescending and insulting, but as soon as they're called on it, they hide behind their shield of "helpfulness" and "caring." Experiences with all too many of these types has made me wary of people who use that phrase, again unless they give indication otherwise that their one and only motive is to help me for its own sake. I don't have to ask anyone in the world outside to confirm what examples have shown me.