Suicidal Ideation as a fuzzy, daily constant

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Yes, maybe not constantly, but a lot. For me, I think it's a form of comfort. That if I'm right on the edge of being able to deal with things there's comfort in the thought that if gets worse I can stop it. I suppose it's what religion does for some people; "g-d will never give you more than you can handle," etc etc. So, I guess it's my way to pray, and maybe that's sick, but so far it's worked out alright. (not that I wouldn't recommend 'healthier' ways, if a person can manage it)

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Last edited by timeisdead on 05 Apr 2009, 2:26 pm, edited 2 times in total.

What problems depress you?

In the upper corner of my screen is an X, it is always there.

Then there are the flashing ads of life, but I would rather be an ageing freak.

In a good week I might get a few hours in on my interests, but most of life is looking out the door for mail that has not come yet.

I ordered two parts, it took ten days, one was right, the other was for another machine, not even close to what I ordered. Three weeks to do a minute's work. By the time I get it done I hate it, for most of the effort was wasted.

This ratio of getting my stuff and how much usless world gets mixed in the process, is annoying, and on top of that I am trapped in an ape body. I long for the pure life of a computer program, they have it so easy.

As for MOST PEOPLE, I would not even consider trading my mess for their perfect life.

Personalizing this ape life is what gives meaning, and being a clone of Model J-22, a set program of acceptable responses, is the most empty life I can imagine.

Looking back on 62 years, I do not revel in the times when others found me acceptable, for I now see what they wanted from the deal. What I remember with pleasure are the times when I was just myself, and discovering I was more.

I used to see the horror of dealing with people, emotionaly oppresive as pensive and others have mentioned. They also have a long history of theft of my tools. Now I see that I had something, self, that they could never have, so they attacked it in me.

As we get past our childhood years where parents, and other evil people torture us, and reach adulthood, 42 to 45 in this group, there is the question of, What Just Happened?

Our few points of personal growth are buried in a mountain, and if we were Dung Beatles we would be rich.

The change is slow, but what shows is those who would add to the mountain have mostly used up their life doing so. After twenty or thirty years of withstanding oppression we feel the loss.

Taking an inventory we find that our hopes and dreams that lead to a lifetime of attack, are still there.

Only a small part of my life has been mine. having any is what lead to the vast pollution of meatbag apes demanding that I stop, and live a meaningless life like they do.

All human accomplishment over time/ The number of humans that have lived= A number somewhere very close to zero.

The reason we cannot figure out what is wrong is it it is wrong with the Species, which does cause some symptoms in us. Trying to reason with mad apes, we are the problem, weak and have no emotional control. Not putting up with them we get a list of names thrown at us.

It was summed up as, "Deal with people, you lose."

Even here the Autist life is considered wrong, I should pretend to be an Ape Lover!

I like being a hermit, living just my life, and that brings out a list of words I cannot spell, and would crash WP.

As our highly educated Sora says, "And yeah, screw texts. Texts teach you nothing because it's all unique for you and all about knowing, (self).

There is only one rule to our one of a kind lives, "Unto thine own self be true."

That we could end it shows we control it. The same for not playing the ape game, trying to get along as a means for them to harm you. Most old people are known for beating apes with a cane, and throwing a cat in their face also works.

"Treat them like people,
they act like dogs,
treat them like dogs,
they act like well behaved dogs."

Inventor

Hi Zonder, good to see you back.

I wouldn't necessarily say that I feel like actually dying all that often. When I think of suicide it's more of a passive thing. What I want is to stop my existence for awhile. Or, the ability to pause everyone, and everything else, so that I can have a break from it all. Sometimes my brain is so overloaded that I just want a break. Suicide pops into my mind as an option to get that relief, that break that I long for, only it's permanent. Since I don't really want a permanent break, it is like I said, a passive thought. Kind of like Sunshower described, a daydream. I also daydream of a secret cave that I have somewhere that I can retreat to, where I can have respite, and no one will bother me in all of my hermit glory. When I'm recharged, and ready then I can join the living world again.

Not now, but I have in the past.

I spent several months over the winter of 2003-2004 not wanting to live, and I can remember thinking about how I was going to accomplish that. It's not very pleasant to think about now but....I feel a bit like Dante. 'When you shall be glad to see the stars again, and to say I was' (Inferno, Canto XVI). At least I'm here to look back on it.

I've had two other periods in my life from which I recognize the basic feeling of not wanting things to go on the way they were, shading impereceptibly into not wanting life to go on. They were around 1988-89, and again in around 1993-96. The latter was scariest because nobody, of the many people around me who were urging me to buck my ideas up, actually thought about depression as a possibility. I just recall it as a kind of long fog, and I'm still amazed I scraped through those years.

I knew nothing of AS back then, so I wouldn't say it was the sole cause. There are dysthymic tendencies on my mother's side - she, indeed, suffered depression for many years but was in total denial (and probably about other psychological issues as well). So I think it's genetic, but it tends to come out at moments of particular stress. And I've realized that the trigger for me tends to be times when I'm being forced to try and be someone I'm not, to put on a false face. That's applied to all these times.

The last time was the clincher, because that was when (forced away from work by, thankfully, some compassionate and perceptive people who realized exactly how ill I was) I did a lot of soul-searching and realized what was going on. I'd been telling myself - having been carefully taught for years that all that mattered about me was how other people saw me - that if I couldn't be what other people wanted me to be, it would be better for me literally not to exist at all. Rediscovering who I am has, literally, been a matter of life and death.

While the tendency to depression is, no doubt, still there, I have, now, an inner determination not to let myself go to that place again. Not that I don't get low moods, but I can usually spot myself going down that path, ask what's really going on here and take steps towards dealing with it. (It helps immensely having a husband who's also dealt with these kind of issues in himself and his family. He notices things when I don't, and vice-versa.)

I have had these thoughts sometimes in my past, but not since the winter of last year. I'm a bit more mature now, and don't think I'm likely to ever do so again. I was upset because I wasn't doing what I wanted, mainly.

Now I wouldn't ever do it because I know there are people who care for me.

Is there any indication that suicidal thoughts are worse, or more extreme, when one lives with others? Like, a kind of stress? I was just wondering.

I used to have these thoughts much more often, when I was younger and living with people. Granted, I think my thoughts were unrealistic and I obviously never went through with it. But I had those thoughts pretty regularly, and now I wonder if I just felt overwhelmed by the people I was around. In addition, when I was younger I often had strong feelings of guilt, which exacerbated the problem; this is something I´ve finally gotten over, luckily.

Now that I live alone, I basically never have suicidal thoughts. On the contrary, I hope I live long enough to be able to have time to study all the things I want to learn! Sure, I still get depressed at times, but I seem to be better able to find ways to manage the depression.

Sorry, I realize this may not have been much help...

I do understand what serenity says when she wants a break from everything though, including her mind...I have those thoughts often.

Isn't depression a normal state of being if you are facing a severe problem or loss? Depression only indicates you aren't blind to the world around you.

I mean, what are you supposed to feel if a loved one has passed away? What are you supposed to feel if a friend of yours is hospitalized? What should you feel if you are helpless in assisting a friend with his troubles? What is the "normal" reaction to being abused or mistreated? Should we feel indifferent to these events, suppressing them and never truly dealing with our problems? Depression is a rational state of being despite the claims of many psychologists.

I think you are mistaking sadness for depression. Sadness would indicate that you are aware, sadness even has benefits. Depression is a serious condition that has no benefits. It is highly detrimental to ones physical as well as ones metal health.

I have persistant thoughts of that nature due to unresolved psych med damage. I only became suicidal on meds and i was hoping that everything would work its self out, but i hasnt (like everything else in my life) and so that stuff never complete worked itself out of myself.

I didn't realise it wasn't normal to have thoughts of your death ever present. It's like my shadow,its attached to me and if it wasn't there it would seem strange.

There have been MANY times in my life that I considered this as an option. Never enough to plot out how I'd do it, just enough to think it'd be easier to NOT have to deal with everything. The thought however, of ceasing to exist, along with the thought that tomorrow just may be my lucky day, has prevented me from considering it too seriously.

When I was a kid, I wished I was never born. As a teenager, I wished I could die. Now at 33, as an adult, I wish I could live forever.

not stranger to suicidal thought.

most recently had a 'thing' with it just before/around christmas last year,caused by living situation and horrible,untrained staff,one went as far as to throw at self the bits of coke can metal and broken glass had been cutting self with [a way of communicating or sensory seeking for am]-and because of being autistic/high complex needs-said am a burden on everyone else who lives here so might as well kill self with the bits before running out of the bedroom,her words became echolalia in head,it played on repeat-and became stuck in thoughts,eg,if am such a burden on everyone,do need to kill self? am have a member to thank on the multi-disability forum am use for helping to work through these thoughts with just one post of theirs.

Frequently.