Intuitive Social Situations Demystified

Post Reply New Topic

They won't tell you truth even if you say that's what you want to hear. I don't blame them, as many people will ask you for the truth, thank you for it and then, when they wake up the next morning, hate you forever for having given it to them.

I only discovered, relatively recently, that even close friends won´t always tell the truth. I guess I´m a bit behind. But it´s frustrating, especially if you want answers to certain things.

You've just described American football.

And the group of parents who assemble outside my kids' school each day at pick-up time.

Fascinating thread by the way.

Here's something I think goes on too. Aspies just don't intuitively pick up and participate in social behaviors. So our solution is to logically teach ourselves how to function in a social setting for whatever reason, and to avoid some of these settings as well, for whatever reason.

Teaching ourselves is a difficult task. It's like trying to learn how to read from a book. But one thing we tend to do is generalize all people who aren't aspie into NT's, and then try to learn NT behavior. Well, NT's all have different social styles that they go by. The only thing that makes them different from Aspies is that they can intuitively without much effort communicate to others and read them. Their intuition isn't always right either. Many don't trust me, sometimes even when I'm the only person that they can trust or should trust.

I don't know what we should be doing. All I do is try to analyze a little more and then practice. My problem, as stated previously, isn't reading people as much as sending off the right vibes. I'm starting to think maybe I should try a theater class to learn how to communicate better.

It's one difference but it's composed of 2 very different and advantageous abilities:
1. Theory of Mind - NTs are born with the ability to absorb ToM, ie the ability to learn intuitively what humans in general are like Psychologically (what makes them tick, what confuses them, what angers them, etc.)
2. Empathy - NTs have the ability to intuitively grasp what makes a specific person tick, what confuses / angers / etc. this specific person.

And even if their intuitions are not always right, their intuitions are the "socially acceptable" intuitions, so they don't rub anyone the wrong way. By "socially acceptable intuitions" I mean that they conclude and act on intuitions that, though may be wrong, everyone else can see how anyone could get it wrong. Eg: if my NT intuition tells me that Sue is happy because today's her birthday, it won't be a blunder to state so because, even if she's not happy, it'd be the """"normal"""" thing to assume that she should be happy on her birthday.

So everybody else can hear what people around them are thinking and feeling, and they can hear what I'm thinking and feeling too, only what I'm actually thinking and feeling is something completely different from what they hear.

When do I get demystified?

Interesting, you just expressed something that I´ve been thinking about lately; the thing is, I AM a theater person, so obviously a theater class is not going to help me!

But I´ve been wondering, too, if my non-verbal communication is lacking somehow. I tend to speak quite clearly and precisely- (and literally)- but often, people either just don´t "get" what I´m saying, or don´t take me seriously! For instance, I´ve had the same experience, over and over again, that if I go see a doctor about an illness I have, that doctor will usually not take it seriously, minimize it, etc. (often to the detriment of my health)! I began to wonder if maybe I haven´t had the right "sick" body language, or if I´m supposed to sound more pathetic when I speak or something? This is just one example of many, it often happens that I talk, but it´s like people don´t HEAR me. It´s really weird...

I guess I should specify that it´s not ALWAYS just "after-the-fact"; that just seems to be the process that 3 NT´s have explained to me, so that must be what they´re most aware of. However, in another conversation with the same friend (who explained this to me) and his boyfriend, they both told me that they form "gut" opinions about people very quickly on- (like, after about one minute of conversation with someone they don´t even know, they can get strong impressions about that person). This is something I can´t do, it takes me awhile to form an opinion of someone, and that goes by observing their actions, analyzing them psychologically, etc. Usually I have no first impressions: if I do, they´re often wrong, so I don´t bother taking them seriously anymore. It could be that NT´s are less aware of this part of the intuitive process, as it´s happening in the moment.

It makes sense though, because I´ve often wondered why people seem to think they know me before they do, or why some men approach me so quickly, already knowing what they want- and expect me to know equally quickly if I´m interested or not! Most people seem to direct themselves to certain people and know already their own intentions in regards to that person, whereas I seem to be more passive, reacting to what happens to me, blindly trying to follow and figure out what´s actually going on...

I want to suggest a book for those of you following this discussion.
Mirroring People The New Science of How We Connect With Others by Marco Iacoboni.
Marco Iacoboni is one of the leading neurologists on mirror neuron research and currently works at UCLA.
I think that many of you will find the book very informative.

Might the book help us get less rejected?

I do think you are right and articulated it much better. But, I also see NT's breaking the social rules too. Like they do misread people a lot, and there are many who misread them in a way that is not so socially acceptable. Maybe they aren't NT. Maybe they are undiagnosed Aspies, or maybe they are like my sister and are just completely irrational. Either way, it does happen, and more often than you might think. Otherwise, Jerry Springer would only be a show for Aspies right? What I'm saying is NT's don't get along more often than not, so obviously, even with the ability to intuitively figure out the world and people, they aren't that good at it either. Their problems, I'm sure, are completely different than what we go through. But they are evidence that you don't need to be socially perfect to co-exist with them.

My sister is a theater person, and she is also a master manipulator, but only if you don't know her well. If you know her well, then you know she is capable of manipulation, and you generally still allow her to have her way to avoid any problems. Anyway, I can't help but to think all those theater classes she took had an effect on it. She's the type when she does go to the doctor, she will act like it hurts more than it does, and then act like she is all tough because she does so much with all that pain like taking care of children, working, etc. She is such a good mom to sacrifice all that pain just to give her child a bath. But I know my sister, and if it hurts that bad, the kid isn't getting a bath if someone else doesn't give her one. But the doctor who didn't live with my sister for 20 years of his life isn't going to know that.

I'm willing to bet your theater interests might help you out more than you realize, and you just haven't found a way to make it work for you. It's like having a gun that you aren't sure if you should shoot.

I think it happens more after the fact than not in retrospect now. At least it does in situations I can't seem to figure out for the life of me what happened.

It's possible they get a gut feeling, and then after the fact, if the logic matches their gut feeling, they go with it, but if it doesn't, then they think about it a little more and it's a 50-50 deal at that point. Like, for instance, I meet Mike. Mike's gut instinct is that I'm a really nice person and can be trusted. So Mike starts talking about his favorite movie, and it's a thriller. As he's unravelling this story, he gets to the point in the story where you are on edge waiting to see what happens next, and he was talking about how awesome it is for a story to put him there and it's so awesome, it's like..., well it's like... then I say, "an orgasm." So, he thinks that's weird, but continues talking to me for a minute. As he walks away, he's thinking, "Wow what a nice person. She did blurt out orgasm pretty quickly though. What was that about? Nice girls don't talk about orgasms with strangers..." Then either he dismisses that logic or accepts it as a red flag. Something like that. Maybe.

I don't really get gut opinions of people except a small few. For whatever reason, some guys make me sick to the stomach at first meet. Michael Jackson did when I was a kid, back when he was black. So I figure it can't be good when people make me nauseous like that. The only other times I remember it happening like that was a guy who worked at a Burger King when I drove thru once, and he made me so sick I threw away the food and drove thru Wendys. Then, some Carnies did at one fair. I then, after I started feeling sick, noticed a lot of Satanic tatoos on one of the guys. And the guy that raped me, months before he raped me, made me nauseous everytime I was around him, and considering he worked at the chow hall, I did dismiss it early on thinking it was the chow hall food making me sick to the stomach. I'm starting to think it might be a sexual predator thing, that they make me sick. Maybe I should visit a jail and see what guys make me sick and which ones don't, and then ask which ones were put away for sex crimes, but too many innocents are put away I guess for it to be accurate.

Other than that, I'm like you. I have to really get to know a person and I judge by actions and behaviors. Only time I've been wrong since I started doing that is when I'm told a story about someone by someone else. People lie and exaggerate too much. It was funny cause once my sister did that about her supervisor. I think she exaggerated in hopes I'd feel sorry for her and all the work they were making her do. Then when she realized I didn't feel sorry for her at all or whatever emotion she expected me to have, and instead I was mad at her supervisor for being lazy, she realized her social no no and started to change her story where her supervisor sounded nicer. Then in the end, I find out the supervisor was trying to compliment my sister by saying she was needed at the office and her work was very much appreciated as opposed to let's overwork you.

Either way, I think we are better off making decisions based on actions and behaviors than gut instincts. I think it's kinda rude when people judge people based on gut instincts. How much of a jerk would I be if everytime a person made me sick to the stomach, I point at them screaming "sexual predator!" LOL.

Also keep in mind men are different than women. Maybe men approach you because your milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard, and their life, is better than.....

Thanks for the tip! I´ll check it out.

I'm in the process of moving from one country to another and don't have easy access to an internet connection, but this is one of the most interesting threads I ever read on this site - thanks everybody for their input, especially CanyonWind and Greentea: I will think about your posts and escape the trivial worries I have these days.