Do you punish yourself?

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That's pretty much what I do.....I'm actually walking around with a big, swollen, red lump on my forehead because at work I forgot to submit an MSDS for a sample that was being sent out and I had to go back upstairs to print one out.....when someone pointed out that I didn't have an MSDS and that I had to go get one and bring it down...I felt a meltdown coming on...so I banged my head on the wall for a little while until I calmed down.....I usually don't do it in a hallway where my coworkers can see....I usually go into the locker room across from my lab and bang my head on the walls or lockers.....

Self injury is my usual form of punishment, and and the endorphin rush can bring a meltdown to a screeching halt in a matter of seconds, faster than any drug can......I will sometimes rip out clumps of hair or claw my skin with my nails...if I say something that offends someone or rudely interrupt someone I sometimes will bite right through my tongue. I will only cut myself if there is access to a knife while I'm cooking or a shard of ceramic from a coffee mug I've broken accidentally.....

Mentally I tell myself to "get my act together" and that "I'm a lazy worthless, f*****g ret*d piece of s**t," and that I deserve to die a slow agonizing death....

None of this is the least bit healthy....but on the upside I do show personal responsibility for my actions.

Ok, I get it, you worrie about social situations and how you should behave around other people.

Ugh, yes. Whenever I just mess up in general, y'know, I'll scream at myself in my head for being such a failure and other things, and why couldn't I have done things right, why I can't understand things, yadda yadda. At home I'll occasionally beat my head against a wall, literally, for being so frustrated but that's about it.

Oh Greentea, there is no doubt you are totally weird. The insight and analysis will not change that.
We can change some behavioural manifestations of who we are, but we cannot change our inherent neurology or how different we may be. that is a fact.

Good luck.

ps. weird is good...just not valued in the mainstream world...as much as it should be.

yes. exactly. Most of my worry - all - concerns my interactions with others.

I tend to bite my fists and punch myself in the head when I'm annoyed with myself.
EMZ=]

I run away from everything, and lose myself in my hobbies, or run to the sea side, to make myself feel better, because otherwise I'd just keep obsessing about what I shoud have done, going over and over the situation in my head again and again. So I try and avoid punishing myself.

This knowledge- (which I got mostly from various books)- has been the main reason for my change in how I treat myself. I used to beat myself up about these things so, so much more when I was younger! I made a huge attempt to change my perception, and to let some things go. It wasn´t easy, it took concentration, but I definitely notice a change in myself, I´m much "lighter" somehow...though it´s not perfect, by any means. One thing that helped me was "A Course in Miracles", a spiritual book with daily meditations, which are designed to change one´s perceptions about oneself and the world. I had some pretty intense meditations, which did change my view, quite drastically...very long story, which I won´t get into...I´m sure different things might help different people, so I´m not saying this particular solution will help everyone. But I do highly recommend some kind of spiritual pursuit. It can help a lot to expand the consciousness, and realize that in the grand scheme of things...i.e., compared to the Universe and all of eternity- these difficult things we go through with various people are fleeting, passing things. If we´re doing the best we can at the time, we shouldn´t beat ourselves up about it.