"Wow, you can't get along with anyone!"

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Good strategy. NT's do this all the time. And I ask the same question myself about situations, not just people. "In the over all scheme of things is this worth me getting all worked up about?" In many cases the answer is no. Let it go & move on.

pbcoll, all that passive aggressivity you had to act out with these 2 girls, put a face like "blah blah blah" and then another face like "blah, blah, blah, blah" - that's an awful lot of work, 100 times more exhausting than directness and absolutely stupid. It only serves the purpose of keeping those in power happy that the sheep ""get along"" and don't make waves. Keep the herd neatly together. I need to do it in order to keep a job, but NEVER on my free time.

Ah, it helped a lot that I genuinely see them as basically not worthwhile - then it's just logic to think that, if they're worthless, then they're not worth having a confrontation with, or being nice to, or having a conversation with, or fleeing them. In a way I wasn't pretending at all - I WAS busy when I was putting my 'can't you see I'm busy?' face - certainly too busy to waste time and attention having a conversation with an airhead. The point is, I did my best to convey the fact that I don't think they're worthwhile people rather than the fact I'm annoyed at being insulted. Aloofness (genuine response to deeming them a waste of valuable oxygen) rather than a shouting match or suchlike (genuine response to being annoyed at them). Of two genuine reactions I felt, I chose to emphasise one and suppress the other for my benefit; I did not put on a fake reaction or put on an act out of thin air or suppress all of my natural reactions because it appeared more expedient, I merely did my best to convey just one of the two reactions ('you're not worth it') I truly felt, which is much much easier than a complete act (though harder, it is true, than just acting naturally and not thinking about what you're conveying). I hope this makes sense. I didn't go to that birthday because I didn't want to see, much less congratulate, the birthday girl - not acknowledging the (email) invitation was actually less work than coming up with an excuse. It's lucky when all you have to do in a certain situation is to exaggerate or emphasise something you are genuinely feeling and minimise other reactions; this is not always the case, but when it is, seize your luck with both hands. If part of you does think 'this person is not worth my time and energy', it helps to remind yourself of the fact.
All three of them are my colleagues, all three based in my part of the building, and two of them I share workspace with, so I can't just avoid them completely and never meet them, short of hiding in a cupboard whenever they're around - they're not people I only would ever have to deal with socially, in my spare time.

My advise (as an NT) is that it would be much simpler just to be cordial and leave it at that. That doesn't mean you gush all over them ("Please please like me!") nor does it mean you act as though they are not there (which only creates more weirdness & tension).

See what I'm saying? Don't think or worry about it so much. So you guys don't get along. OK. They were crappy to you. OK. I get it. It happens. And it will happen again. Humans are messy that way. But by doing this huge song & kabuki (sp?) dance around it you're only making more of a big deal about it. Screw it. They're not worth worrying about or having to do this big act for. Be the bigger person. Be polite. Be cordial. If they take that as a sign of weakness then shame on them for being so small.

Cheers.

Well I remember getting kicked out of a MySpace group, because I said stupid things.
I have people block me too.
Also I remember this girl getting mad at me for being strange.
I also would get hate messages from people too.

As a matter of fact, I received a hate message from a 40 year old mother, whose 16 year old son died and she was upset about a YouTube dedication I made to him, because I got some things wrong about him!

I can totally relate; several of my former classmates on Facebook refuse to add me, and some who did, then blocked me for no reason whatsoever; sometimes they'll even take down some complementary comments I leave them on their pages, cause they're too embarrassed for others to see what I wrote.

What's sadder is I graduated from high school nine years ago and they act like nothing's changed.

Tact? Oh, yes! That must be in the handbook that was given out to all the NTs, but not those on the spectrum! Where can I get a copy, please?

I had a similar situation happen with a neighbor. I say similar, because he wasn't outright rude, but acted in a way that I found puzzling and hurtful. One day I unwisely mentioned being on the spectrum. After that, he started being different. Before, he would stop and chat a few minutes as he passed my porch. It was always an excellent opportunity to work on my social skills. This went on for nearly 2 years. But the moment that I mentioned the AS, I would see him duck back in his doorway when I was passing by, as if afraid that I would speak to him. At first, it hurt.

But as it continued for a month, I stopped wondering what I had done wrong, and wondered how much it meant to me to not chat with this person anymore. It mattered not a bit. So, I started to "not notice him" when he was outside. If he spoke first, I would respond cordially, and then keep going. I missed being able to interact positively with a neighbor, but I wasn't about to dialogue with him about it. It was just too much work, when I hadn't a meaningful relationship with him, or anything like that!

The way I see it, pbcoll, is that you handled it just right. However labor intensive it was, it met the need for which it was intended, and was effective. Congratulations!

I agree with what Granatelli has written: most AS/ish people that I know (including myself) over react to minor issues: we feel angry, therefore our outrage is justifed in our minds and no one can persuade us otherwise until it dies down and we survey the wreckage...

My grandma has a technique that she uses with v annoying people (queue-pushers, rude people etc..): when you find yourself getting irritated, just think 'bless you' as patronisingly as you can. And try to mean it: after all, isn't it a shame they can't manage to act better? Focus on feeling sorry for them and it's a lot easier to cope with in the long run than 'righteous' anger (which feels nice to start with, but soon sours). The advantage of this technique is that you don't feel you've 'lost' the argument. Instead you are (internally) rolling your eyes and distancing yourself.

By getting angry, you're allowing them to keep on winning over and over, and often other people will take their side because in the eyes of others, a massive over-reaction is a greater social sin than some minor lapse of manners.

Yeah I remember trying to add this guy to my friends list, and then he sent me a hate message, saying he hated me and not to mention it was full of typos!

That dude on Facebook you just added; that was me, just so you know...yeah, the guy with the crown and sceptre

I would have corrected all the typos and sent it back to him!

Lene, you got that right -- when we give in with anger to the provocation of a neurotypical who is baiting our spectrum condition, we are giving over our power and control to that person. That makes the autie or aspie vulnerable because it dislodges us from a position of control over to the "vulnerable" position, where the more verbal-linear-social neurotypical can play with us like a cat bats around a helpless little mouse. It is so important to exert control over the anger-meltdown response, even when we are being deliberately provoked by a no-good bully. There are other ways to deal with this -- you learn them when you go to law school and work in the legal profession for awhile.

hartz et al, I have also experienced the uncivil shunning after disclosing my autism to other neurotypicals. It is the type of mal-treatment gays used to get in the Victorian era if they "came out of the closet," and is the kindling we still see for such misguided endeavors as the Milirary "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policies. Autism and Asperger's give most neurotypicals the heebie-jeebies, and they are really hard-pressed to articulate why -- perhaps just mention of the word flood their emotional arousal system with sci-fi nightmares. But it just does, and it is something we have to accept. On the other hand, the neurotypicals who change game plan with you upon learning you have a spectrum diagnosis are not worth it as people. Why have anything to do with an idiot ? The people who still value and love you for who and what you are regardless of your diagnosis are the ones who count. They value you as a person to the point they will stand by you as friends, defend your honor and virtue, and help you fight your battles or even fight them for you when you are unable. Ironically (and it is ok if you have trouble with irony, I have struggled to *get it*), the idiot flip-flop neurotypical "friend" who destroys the group social cohesion upon learning of one's autism or Asperger's diagnosis, somehow turns into one lacking the very emotional-social abilities they are so frequently credited for possessing that is necessary to human survival -- it reminds me of the pettiness inherent in the deeper meaning of Dr. Suess's story, "The Star-Bellied Sneeches." I find that when weighing all the upsides and downsides of "coming out" with my autism diagnosis, the upsides are so many more -- it allows us to say our brain wiring is different and we are who and what we are, and the neurotypicals need to learn to deal with that and understand they cannot make us into cookie cutter versions of themselves nor can they continue to forcibly try to fit a square peg into a round hole. It is really very liberating, and I think the greatest gift anyone has ever given me in my entire life is the gift my neurologist gave me when he re-confirmed my autism diagnosis because this is, in its essence, a declaration of my freedom to be who and what I am. It is my birth heritage, no different than my Irish and German ancestry.

Well put! This guy acted like I was going to blast him with my ray gun!

I certainly felt liberated when I discovered that I was from "another planet" and that I wasn't alone in this.

hartz, it is liberating as well to know you are not alone in this. But I am not sure it is that easy to identify our differences as being "from another planet," notwithstanding the "wrongplanet" acronym, because if you go even tell the forum name (much less change the 'planet' modifier) to a neurotypical, they freak out. They start acting like the movie "Body Snatchers," with a tremendous irrational fear of the infectious possibilities of autism might make them "catch it." It is very hard to bridge the gap between the autie/Aspie and neurotypical worlds, but it is a predominently neurotypical world we live it. That's the conundrum.

The reason I jokingly said Wrong Planet, was because a familiar pattern in my life, before diagnoses, was having that critical moment in the breakdown in communication occur. Like having my odd humor pop out, or my odd hand gestures. Where somebody invariably asks me, "Where are you from?" Accompanied by the appropriate frown of confusion. I always got the impression that they suspected that I was from some other planet.