First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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A question for NT's:

Have you ever wanted to have a disorder so you wouldn't have to bear the pressures of being normal?

I love "damn morons"--it makes so much sense. Thanks, mechanicalgirl39. Perhaps sometimes people are just morons.

Question to the NTs:

Why is it that when others do someone a favor, that someone remembers the favor gratefully and often tries to do some favor back, but when I do a favor, the person starts demanding I do it again and bigger and bigger all the time from now and, instead of grateful, they start threatening me with horrible things if I don't or can't do the favor again and again?

I used to love doing people favors (I'm very compassionate because I know what need is) but it only got me enemies and violence, so nowadays if someone needs something, I look the other way or plain say NO.

No, I can't say that I have.

I see two possibilities:

(a) She was upset about something completely unrelated before you joined up, but isn't comfortable sharing that with you. In which case, another go at the friendship in a few months might work.

(b) Something in this situation made her uncomfortable, and that discomfort reduces her desire to further the friendship.

I tend to assume the former, and not the later, and test it out by reaching out one or two more times after a fairly long interval to allow whatever life issue is out there to resolve itself. At that point you re-gauge the reception, and decide based on that.

I can't answer yes to the question as you've phrased it, but almost everyone would like to have something different about themselves. When you have a disorder, you may tend to pin the pressures you feel on that. But if you don't, you'll find something else. There is no pressure, per se, in being normal, but there may be pressure in being a great athlete (wondering if you can continue to perform at that level), or having an ugly, large nose that makes you self-conscious. Almost everything can carry blessings and curses; that phenon is not limited to AS, it's just more pronounced with AS. I have wondered, at times, if it might be better to carry a different balance of gifts and burdens - there are things I would love to change - but its never been to want a specific disorder added to my self.

Lol

BUT ...

It isn't always that simple. It can be very, very hard not to keep your eyes on someone moving around like that. It draws everyone's attention, by the simple fact of its motion (not to mention, it is possilbe you are making sounds and are totally unaware of it). If someone is trying to concentrate, the motion will make that harder, and they will ask you to stop. Others may be embarassed that they keep wanting to stare. Me ... well, if you look happy, I'll just smile at you and try to mind my own business.

It may have something to do with the specific people involved. Some people are users, and will consistently take advantage of others, when they feel they are able. Other people are very careful to reciprocate. Most of us kind of learn who to avoid and who to help.

Also consider the situations; is what you are doing perceived as a favor in the particular situation, or can it be seen as an agreement to take on an additional responsibility?

But why the sudden change, then?

A good friend of ours an NT who has a disorder. She was a blue baby at birth. She has mild cerebral palsy, effecting her right side, as a result. She wants to be accepted as normal as much as possible. She has no desire to escape the pressures of being normal. She longs for people to accept her and treat her like she is normal. She doesn't appreciate people pointing out her differences to her. She is already quite aware of them all by herself. Folks on this forum, for the most part, seem to me to want to be treated as normal too. I don't see people who are here as experiencing less pressure. If anything they experience more.

I'm not qualified to answer your question. I'm mostly NT, but I too have disorders. I wonder how many people there are out there who don't have some something wrong with them. But just to pretend, what mental attribute would I want to give up. Well it might be nice to not have to deal with being APD, but what gifts would I loose if I wasn't? I guess my answer to you is no.

There are people out there that are "give an inch take a mile" types. Which means they are looking and seeking out kind people who readily do favors. Once they find one of these kind folks they quickly analyze what the kind person can do for them. Life is all about them all the time, pure narcissism. We all get snookered on a occasion by these types. The trick is not to take it personally, get rid of the person immediately and not let it affect one's kindness and good nature. Otherwise choosing to interact with the narcissists will sour the rest of the kind people of the world in a hurry.

I have a question for both NTs and Aspies.

When you look somebody in the eyes (make eye contact), what do you see? Do you get non verbal clues about the emotion state of that person? Do you focus on the pattern of the irises? Or you see something else?

I get lots of non verbal queues. Is the person happy or sad etc. If the person can feel me thinking about them, I will feel it in them when I look at them. For some reason, it is much easier for me to make eye contact with blue eyed and green eyed people, than with brown eyed, though there are exceptions. I cannot tell you why. I am not so much looking as I am feeling the person with my eyes. I might notice their iris if there is something unusual like the iris is not the same color in each eye, or some other anomaly. Also its easy for me to perceive whether the person is an introvert or an extrovert, and other attributes are sometimes appearant. I don't get all of this from eye contact. It's more from observation, tone of voice, facial expression, body language, and things I intuit that I have no idea where my intuition gets it.

This may be an area I'm a bit more AS than NT; I'm not that thrilled with eye contact. Now, with my husband and kids I love it, its very natural to look into their souls, in a way, and see all the depth expressed there. But with strangers or people I don't know that well, I'm not likely to hold serious eye contact. I look at their face in the area of the eyes more than specifically into their eyes.

It may be, in part, because I learned a while back that I tend to look for the wrong thing in people's eyes. I connect very well to the pain I can see expressed there, when its there, and I've done some stupid things because of that connection; people in pain aren't always the best to forge relationships with. But I definitely know how to spot them, and its in the eyes - even when they are happy and laughing.

But eye contact can be used for lots of things, the more I'm thinking about it. A brief contact with the eyes and a smile can be a way of saying thank you, or all is good, and so on. I do that a lot; a fleeting connection to someone you have crossed paths with. Send it to a mom whose child is throwing a tantrum, and she knows she has your emotional support. And so on.

But I strangely have trouble with prolonged eye contact with friends ... wierd. Oh well.

One interesting thing is that, unlike a previous poster, I rarely notice eye color or anything like that. Its an emotional connection, not a factual one.

Thank you for pointing that out. Yes eye contact is also an emotional connection, and a form of communication. I evidently use them to make people feel accepted and safe around me. I've been told I have expressive eyes. It's certainly not anything that I try to do.

I have trouble with prolonged eye contact also, but it is hard for me because I have difficulty accessing my visual memory while maintaining eye contact.

And I've contemplated what you said about not noticing people's eye color. That's one of the first things I notice about a person. I wonder if that's some pattern trigger. I'll have to research that I guess.