First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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I heard that first impressions are very important and its hard to fix a flawed first impression. My question for NT's is what are the traits that might turn you off to a particular person based on there first impression or early impressions that is?

Here are some thoughts:

Being a braggart
Talking about how much money you earns or someone else earns
Talking about how you were recently promoted at work and how important you are
Talking about how stupid everyone else is
Talking about how you got over on someone else
Sexually explicit language
Sexually inappropriate comments
Ignoring someone who is participating in the conversation
Talking down to people

DW, good point. ... Can't really think of anything else to say.

Last edited by Seraphim on 27 Aug 2009, 5:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

Normally, I don't look people in the eye. I have trained myself to look at the nose or the lips. Once, during my college entrance interview, I had to force myself to look the interviewer in the eye and I wanted to throw up. I became so nauseous and so distracted by my interior monologue that I had to break contact every now and then and privately comment on how the interviewer was going bald. (Got into college, though.)

In a job interview, which really would be the only time I take and run with a first impression (there isn't much choice, often), you would be looking at things like:

1) Did they take the time to figure out how to dress appropriately?
2) Are they properly groomed?
3) Is their posture confident (desirable in the US for most jobs) or insecure?
4) Do the clothes fit?
5) Do they exhibit the type of personality that succeeds in the particular job?

I also notice things like if color selections are flattering and well coordinated BUT I also know that doesn't tell me anything about the person's ability to do the types of jobs I've interviewed people for. Just something I notice.

You're really looking at things that are within everyone's control, and if they were willing to make the effort, and able to, get it "right." Someone who doesn't get multiple friends to proof a resume, who doesn't take the time to brush their hair, and so on, is consider less likely to try to dot the i's and cross the t's at work.

Socially, while I do receive first impressions, I make a very conscious effort NOT to base any judgements on them because, well, they are often wrong. If someone is mean or rude, however, and resists any overture to soften that, I'll probably make a decision to keep my distance from then on, because no one needs that much grief in life.

I hardly make eye contact I don't like the feel of it. If I ever make an effort to do so I don't usually see what their emotional state is or verbal cues, I just see eyes. Any cue I do get is from their mouth or body even then it's not alot. I had my second college interview today and I stared at the table the whole time, I tried to look at him a bit but I couldn't, partly because I was disagreeing with what he was saying and he was suggesting I changed 1 of the subjects I chose and I knew what I wanted months ago so I was feeling very frustrated and close to crying (eventually I was persuaded to make the changes to my subjects, eventually, I am very set in my ways).

To NTs: Several NT posts mention "feeling" and "sensing" people's moods and attitudes. Like sitting down next to someone and realizing you are sitting too close because they hunch up. And then someone mentioned poor eye contact makes a person look shifty or nervous. So how does someone with Asperger's feel to you? Do we ever make you nervous, scared, or tense because we are nervous, scared, or tense, or just 'odd'? Is that why we often get bullied as children and adults? I guess I just want to know what it was about me as a kid that made other kids want to bully me, even if I was just sitting quietly reading a book. Or was it simply because I was sitting quietly reading a book and not paying attention to them?

To Aspies: NTs talk about sensing the emotions of others. I can do that sometimes too, but almost never by looking directly at them. Which makes no sense, because if I'm not seeing their nonverbals, how am I getting a read at all? I can even get reads off people in online games, maybe it's a pause between messages, or something subtle in phrasing or response length? Maybe if I'm not looking at someone I'm talking to in real life, I'm getting a read off their breathing patterns or something? I don't believe it's anything mysterious, I know I'm processing something, but what? Anyone else have this issue where cutting out visual processing helps them get a read on someone or know anything about it?

I'm not an aspie, but I too experience this. I even get reads on the gender of most of the posters here when I read their posts. When I first joined this forum, when I read the post of a woman who used an avatar of a man, I was experiencing cognitive dissonance. Body language, facial expressions, breathing patterns, etc. are not the only non-verbal queues available, but I would be inclined to assume that if you are an aspie, then you might not be among the aspies who also have NLD.

However, your vibe feels masculine, which makes you fit yet another pattern. I must go now, so I'll let you wonder what that is.

Last edited by willmark on 27 Aug 2009, 4:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I grew up around people that I now believe were AS so, for me, it tends to be comfortable and familiar.
But I know that others aren't the same; I think people are scared of what they don't understand or cannot relate to; some sort of tribal survival instinct. AS do tend to have different interests, mannerisms, and so on, than the NT population; what is different gets teased. And, also, what is seen as an easy target.

I've never been one to tease others, so it is hard for me to say. But I have disassociated in my past from those I found strange or unable to help my social status; I guess it was part of trying to establish myself in the stratta. The more comfortable I've become with my position, the more open I am to those that others may perceive as "off", although I still can't manage to make myself walk up to a homeless person for a friendly chat. Fear, I guess; I'm not proud of it.



You ask this of Aspies but I also often can read emotions on line, or what has been unsaid behind the words. I think it may be in the speech patterns or timing, or maybe it really is a more cosmic energy that mankind hasn't defined yet. Who knows, but it does seem to be real. What I can't do is figure out when one poster is playing as several; I don't pick up on the patterns; but many on the spectrum do.

DW, could you please explain this more in detail?

To NTs:

If I am around someone I like, I'll watch them a lot while they move and talk, but still manage to miss stuff. For example my mother pointed out to me 'X looked really tired didn't he?' after someone had visited us. That was news to me. I didn't see tiredness. I just saw a dude with medium build and neon blue eyes.

So, what am I doing wrong? What am I failing to watch for?

I can try to answer this one and just jump right into this thread. I haven't read all 25 pages.

When someone looks tired they may slouch slightly, might move more slowly, or might have bags around their eyes. Subtle hints such as these give us the "impression" that someone is probably tired.

I have a question and I apologize if it's already been covered. My dd who is 6 and dx with Asperger's has a lot of trouble with self awareness. She can't tell me how she feels or how something makes her feel. When she cries she notes tears but doesn't aknowledge the emotion. Is this common for Asperger's? Is it something that gets better with age? Is there anything I can do to help her recognize emotion? I've tried the pictures of facial expressions-she doesn't connect the faces with herself. She is very, very smart. Can do math as a wiz, 300 piece puzzles are a snap, etc but emotions seem to be so volatile and hard to get a handle on for her.

Thanks.

I'm familiar with that. It happens most often with family members and it's involuntary. Sometimes I wish I could cut out the signals I'm getting because they make me nervous.

Yeah it gets better with age. I remember that when I was 12 I didn't realize when I was angry. All I knew was that thinking about certain things made my nervous system do something weird.

Try very simple stuff like explaining to her that when something makes you cry that's called sadness. She will learn to associate the feeling that causes her to cry, with a word. At least, I eventually did, she probably will too.

I don't know. When I was little I don't recall experiencing sadness as something separate from general distress.

Mama to Grace, welcome to WP and to this open dialogue thread! I'm happy to see you've jumped right aboard to be with us!

I was almost 40 when a therapist told me that I had no awareness of my own emotions. We attributed it to childhood trauma, with a family that didn't acknowledge feelings/emotions. I'm more intellectual than intuitive, so in order to learn something, I need a book or an article. I dug up a tiny book I had had for years at home and read it, and since that moment I have total awareness of my feelings/emotions at a given moment. It was very simple. You might want to read it and that might give you the words to explain it to Grace, if she's like me in this regard. This tiny book is a true gem. Viscott manages to teach the whole world of emotions in a few pages of very simple yet enlightening text. LINK HERE If you can't find the book, I can quote key sentences for you.

Quote: "Tension and anxiety are frequently felt as muscles tightening in the neck as well as in cramping elsewhere."